Since my Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Book 2 is coming out, and in the spirit of Christmas, I have written you guys a parody present! Unfortunately it got a little long… so unlike me…
Here is the Part I of my parody of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Part 2. This is a parody, so there are many jokes told at the expense of characters I love! (I have by now completed three books about them, so I love them all. Not recommended: saying ‘I love Nicholas Scratch’ while carol singing at church. Learn from my mistakes.)
Previously on Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, our half-witch half-mortal heroine Sabrina had to choose between the witch and mortal world and chose both! Then with the help of the Mother of Demons disguised as her kindly teacher, Sabrina used necromancy to resurrect her boyfriend’s dead brother (with poor results) and after diverse incidents felt forced to signed away her soul to Satan. Her cousin Ambrose got a boyfriend and got mixed up with Warlock Rights Activists. Her Aunt Zelda got HELLA mixed up with Father Blackwood, the head of the Warlock Rights Activists. Her Aunt Hilda got to know a mortal man with a cape and a secret. Her frenemy Prudence, head of the Weird Sisters/cheerleaders for Satan at Witch School, was revealed to be Father Blackwood’s secret daughter. Her new friend at Witch School, Nick Scratch (that is his actual name, actually) got a huge crush on her and tried to express it in traditional witch ways such as inviting her to orgies and offering to be her second boyfriend. Her boyfriend (now ex) Harvey was traumatized forever by having to shoot his undead brother and meeting Nick Scratch. Lilith, Mother of Demons, realized Satan wanted to offer Sabrina a job opportunity (Queen of Hell, comes with benefits) and was vexed. Sabrina’s mortal friends had problems such as Blindness Connected to Powers of Prophecy and gender identity issues…
In summary it was all very chill. Previous parody here. Now Sabrina has to decide what to do after committing herself to darkness…
Read on for people coming up with deeply unsettling plans, and making some wild romantic choices!
SABRINA: After selling my soul, and getting fashion advice from my familiar, I’ve decided I need more monochrome in my wardrobe.
SALEM: I don’t talk but I do like to strut my funky stuff on the catwalk.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: My plan to subjugate Sabrina with the help of my prize pupil Nick Scratch has 0 flaws!
SABRINA: After 5 mins of witch life I’ve decided to be the top of the whole school.
NICK SCRATCH (dreamy sigh): Wish I was the whole school.
BLACKWOOD: …my plan has 1 flaw.
LILITH, MOTHER OF DEMONS: After murdering the former principal I am now principal of this mortal school. I think I have a pretty good grasp of mortal bureaucracy. I also got voted Best Hair in the yearbook.
SABRINA: I’ll be indefinitely playing hooky from mortal school, Ms Wardwell.
LILITH: Cast off your mortal bonds! Mwhahahaha!
SABRINA: Ms Wardwell just be like that sometimes.
ZELDA: Speaking of subjugation, Father Blackwood, if you like it you better put a ring on it, and thus grant it power within our evil patriarchal witch society!
FATHER BLACKWOOD: How to balance these two facts… I’m horribly evil, and she’s awfully sexy…
MEANWHILE AT MORTAL SCHOOL
THEO PUTNAM: So you previously thought I was a girl, but I’m a guy called Theo.
ROZ & HARVEY: We love you, Theo.
BILLY THE TRANSPHOBE: Putnam shouldn’t be on the boys’ basketball team. HARVEY: HOW ABOUT I KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS?!
AUDIENCE: Harvey yes!
ROZ: Harvey no!
THEO: Let’s not be hasty. I’m willing to hear Harvey out.
AMBROSE: I don’t know that you’re qualified to be top of the whole school…
SABRINA: Can’t believe my cousin loves the patriarchy more than me! AMBROSE’S BOYFRIEND LUKE: What have you done for him lately? The patriarchy gave him magic powers.
AMBROSE: Actually I love Sabrina more than the patriarchy. The patriarchy has no cute hairbands.
SABRINA: 🙂 🙂 🙂
FATHER BLACKWOOD, AMBROSE’S BOYFRIEND LUKE, AND THE REST OF THEIR WARLOCKS RIGHTS SOCIETY: A toast to the patriarchy!
NICK SCRATCH: So, um, when you said ‘screw Sabrina Spellman’ I think, I, uh, misunderstood your meaning…
WARLOCK RIGHTS ACTIVISTS: Here’s to Nick, amazing future leader of the school!
NICK: Oh, that’s nice.
WARLOCK RIGHTS ACTIVISTS: Now, a sexy lady dancing!
NICK: Maybe I misjudged you guys.
WARLOCK RIGHTS ACTIVISTS: Now, a fake Sabrina head on a platter!
NICK: Cis men were a mistake.
WARLOCK RIGHTS ACTIVISTS: You’re a…
NICK: I forgot something in the library!
WARLOCK RIGHTS ACTIVISTS: What did you forget?
NICK: I forgot myself. I forgot I should be in the library with the lovely soothing books. ’Scuse me, coming through…
SABRINA: Let me swing by mortal school to support trans rights with a magic basketball assist.
THEO: He shoots, he scores! He might also want to practise real hard without magic help.
ROZ: Let me support trans rights with Michelle Obama quotes!
HARVEY: I’ll kill a man. Or give you a tender hug. Those are my two settings, I have no others.
THEO: Aw, my guys.
AUDIENCE: Team Trans Rights And Tender Hugs!
HARVEY, ROZ & THEO: tender 3 person hug.
NICK SCRATCH: Tell me about your interests and hobbies girl.
SABRINA: I’m interested in destroying the patriarchy.
NICK: oh wow, me too, no way!
SABRINA: …
NICK: No seriously.
SABRINA: …
NICK: NO SERIOUSLY.
PRUDENCE: I would like to fight the patriarchy with you.
SABRINA: Because we’re true friends now, not frenemies?
PRUDENCE: No, gross. Because my father is the worst, and expects me to do childcare, and I might stab him.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Oh Prudence, you are so spirited.
PRUDENCE: Maybe daddy will love me and the patriarchy isn’t the worst?
AUDIENCE: Spoiler. It was, though.
SABRINA: Can I trust this boy Nick Scratch to fight the patriarchy with me?
LILITH: Can you trust someone called Nick Scratch? Are you high? Do you have a crush on him?
SABRINA: Wow do I have a crush on an attractive boy who’s always hitting on me and whom I have sexy dreams about…
SABRINA: Wait, DO I have a…?
LILITH: Turns out I’m a truly amazing educator.
HARVEY: Let us discuss how to support our trans friend Theo.
ROZ: Wait, I’m attracted to you!
HARVEY: … Whoa, are you…?
ROZ: Is the support for trans rights why I’m finding you attractive, or are my powers of prophecy screwing with my love life?
HARVEY: …?
ROZ: Powers of prophecy are not good wingmen.
HARVEY: Maybe Sabrina and I are just on a Satan-related break, though.
SABRINA: Nick and I are here to defy the patriarchy and I am wearing my badass leather jacket!
NICK: I am wearing my badass cardigan!
SABRINA: …
NICK: Witches do everything backwards but I support your bid to be top.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Let down by everyone! Ambrose, I know you will support me and the patriarchy as the peer leader of the school.
AMBROSE: I don’t know that I’M qualified to be peer leader of the whole school…
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Oh Ambrose, my prize pupil, you are so humble.
AMBROSE: Listen, I graduated 100 years ago.
AMBROSE: From Oxford, baby.
NICK SCRATCH: I hope Sabrina will take me to Dr Cyborg’s.
HARVEY KINKLE: I wonder what Sabrina’s doing in Invisible Academy.
SABRINA SPELLMAN: Do I have a Type?
NICK: Oh look it’s the boyfriend already at the mortal cafe!
SABRINA:…
NICK: Remember? Your boyfriend?
SABRINA:….
NICK: … Our boyfriend? The nation’s boyfriend?
SABRINA: Someone’s going to have to explain monogamy to you real soon.
NICK: … Is that a type of plant?
SABRINA, LITERALLY STANDING IN THE COMPANY OF AN ATTRACTIVE MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: I cannot believe Harvey is in the company of an attractive member of the opposite sex.
NICK: But why would anyone be upset about their romantic partner holding hands with an attractive person?
NICK: Everything is confusing!
NICK: But I am so ready to be mad at that mortal.
SABRINA: He is no longer my romantic partner!
NICK: What… why?
SABRINA: Take me out to a magic rendez-vous, warlock boy.
NICK: What I meant was, you’re making a great decision!
NICK: Let me bring you to a club run by Dorian Gray, who prefers an all-gentlemen clientele.
SABRINA: You want to take me to an men’s club… run by… Dorian Gray?
SABRINA: That’s where you spend the majority of your social time?
NICK: …. Something wrong?
SABRINA: Just getting accustomed to Witch Lyfe.
SABRINA: Will you take me to this exclusive gentlemen’s club against the rules?
NICK: Yes.
SABRINA: Will you defy your headmaster to support me in this sexist competition?
NICK: Love to!
SABRINA: Will you support my bid to be queen of everything?
NICK: *bats lashes* it’s my dream to sleep my way to the top.
SABRINA: Here’s looking at you, kid.
BARTENDER DORIAN GRAY: I only care about myself being hot, other people being hot, and hanging out with mainly dudes 24/7 4 Eternity, and myself being hot.
SABRINA: Literary backstory checks out.
BARTENDER DORIAN GRAY: So Satan sent you two these cocktails and tells you he ships it.
NICK: Oh hey, cheers to that!
SABRINA: But is Satan truly the kindly matchmaker he appears…?
SABRINA: Now I’m committing myself to Witch Lyfe, how am I meant to win victories against Satan?
NICK SCRATCH: Perhaps the real victories against Satan were the dates we got along the way.
CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA: Next episode at drama club in witch and mortal school…
NICK SCRATCH: plays the Devil
AUDIENCE: What could it mean?)
ROSALIND: participates in Romeo & Juliet but has to drop out early.
AUDIENCE: Her name is one letter away from Rosaline! What could it mean?
AUDIENCE: We fear disaster heads for these sweet if occasionally Satan-worshipping kids. But we love drama.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: I’ve made a classic witch play about Lilith and Satan way less feminist!
ZELDA: it’s times like this I wonder… are you good enough for me? But then again, could any man be good enough?
AUDIENCE: No man!
SABRINA: I’m glad I’m understudying the witch play. Not really into subservient roles.
NICK: Cool, tie me up.
SABRINA: What?!
NICK: Hey what’s up?
SABRINA: Oh, hey, Nick.
NICK: Also tie me up sometime, girl.
NICK: Have I mentioned that women pronouncing Latin correctly is one of my top ten turn-ons?
SATAN: tempt tempt tempt
SABRINA: Sorry I was distracted by Satan tempting me, what was that?
ROSALIND: Totally stoked to be doing lines from Romeo and Juliet with you, Harvey! I’m sure my name being practically Rosaline spells no narrative disaster!
SABRINA: Hi guys!
ROZ: … Narrative disaster right on cue.
SABRINA: Heyyy, just wanted a distraction from Satan’s constant temptations!
HARVEY: Is the play you’re doing at your witch school the Crucible?
SABRINA: …
HARVEY: Just a little classic witch hunter literary humor.
SABRINA: Almost like our two families are… opposed in some way… from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, you might say…
SABRINA: So in a strange turn of magical events, here we are quoting Romeo & Juliet to each other, Harvey…
HARVEY: Yes. What could it all mean?
2 seconds later
HARVEY: So I’m being thrown down upon my bed and ravished… Congratulations to me!
SATAN: tempt tempt tempt
SABRINA: O no the mark of the beast on the recently bared skin of my beloved! I must flee!
HARVEY: Congratulations to me cancelled. I’m not getting ravished. I recently shot my brother. I’m not feeling good about magic or our relaysh and—where are you going?
SABRINA: Nowhere good.
SATAN: tempt tempt tempt
LILITH: Sabrina, if Satan offers you any temptation or job opportunities, Just Say No.
SABRINA: I’m sure my kindly principal is right.
SATAN: tempt tempt tempt
SATAN: Or what if I threatened your familiar?
SABRINA: I would submit to Satan and burn down my school for my cat.
AUDIENCE: Good to have a relatable heroine.
SATAN: Just kidding I don’t want you to burn down your school.
SABRINA: LOL you really had me there.
SATAN: Thought you’d enjoy one of those mortal dad jokes.
SABRINA: What?
SATAN: Never mind that right now.
LILITH: So this witch school play has many functions within the narrative. It both tells the audience my tragic backstory of romance with Lucifer and also depicts Nick as Lucifer, getting his wings touched by Ambrose and making out with Sabrina…
NICK: I am a dedicated thespian, ok!
NICK: I heart acting.
PRUDENCE: Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your boyfriend, but I enjoyed your sacrilicious performance as the false god.
AMBROSE: I still don’t attend this school but hey, I love drama.
PRUDENCE: So you and I are both devastatingly attractive. Whatever should we do about that?
AMBROSE: I have some ideas…
VALENTINE’S DAY: dawns
WITCH VALENTINE’S DAY: also dawns, but with more dark carnality
WEIRD SISTERS: As I’m sure you’re aware this involves being assigned to a warlock, dressing up as Sexy Red Riding Hood, and daubing oneself with blood.
SABRINA: haha yep… 100% aware… of that..
ZELDA: Like any responsible witch authority figure I just want my ward to carnally enjoy sexy warlocks in the woods. Team Nick!
HILDA: I just don’t trust Nick. Because… I have met Nick. Team Harvey!
AMBROSE: I am dating two people at once, so I don’t see the need to vote, and I’m also too busy to vote!
HARVEY: So Sabrina crushed my heart for the 3rd and I swear final time yesterday. Go to the sweethearts’ ball with me! I’m recently bereaved and making 100% great decisions!
ROZ: Could this go wrong somehow? Surely not…
NICK: Go on a date with me, Sabrina! I will wear a wolf head and you can hunt me through the woods, as is tradition! Or if you want to be naughty, we could do mortal stuff.
NICK: But… no pressure!
AUDIENCE: Oho, someone taught Mr Nicholas ‘Join our orgy with your relative, Sabrina!’ Scratch a thing or two over the holidays.
SABRINA: He’s trying so hard. And I do look good in red.
THEO: So look, it’s nice that the 3 of us are going to the ball together but the thing is, Roz… Harvey, bless our delicate flower, is looking for someone to lavish love upon… and I can’t really deal with that level of PDA… could you take the PDA bullet?
ROZ: I actually do have a crush on the PDA bullet.
SABRINA: This is fine!!!
SABRINA: Here we are in our underwear, on our romantic blood and milk picnic, but are we officially dating, Nick?
NICK: We have only ever kissed in the context of a school play.
SABRINA: Nicholas you should know by now I am an all or nothing kind of girl.
SABRINA: Wait what was that sound?
NICK: Oh no, I think that was the sound of my troubled backstory arriving…
LILITH: So a man just burst into my office and proclaimed his eternal passion and worship to me? … Who is he?
SECRETARY: did his oath of devotion not clue you in?
LILITH: This happens to me literally every day, he could be anybody.
ADAM: I am your betrothed, shy teacher Ms Wardwell!
LILITH: Oh yes, that is definitely who I am, definitely not the mother of all demons wearing her face.
ADAM: Let me love you!
LILITH: Ew, no.
ADAM: Let me grovel at your feet!
LILITH: Well, okay.
SABRINA: Just thought I should tell you I’m, in a surprising turn of events, taking to the ball—
HARVEY: Nick Scratch—
SABRINA: a gentleman from my other school—
HARVEY: Nick Scratch—
SABRINA: with whom you may be acquainted—
HARVEY: Nick Scratch—
SABRINA: you might find this difficult to believe, but it’s—
HARVEY: Does his name rhyme with Trick Match?
SABRINA: How did you know?
HARVEY: I’m a genius.
HARVEY: You are better than me at tying bow ties Theo! Fist bump! All my love and support!
THEO: You’re sweet, but I’m OK for tender hugs right now.
HARVEY: …. Are you sure?
NICK: That ominous wolf howl ringing through the woods certainly didn’t sound familiar to me!
SABRINA: why would it?
NICK: No reason. Let’s go do mortal stuff! So this is a sweethearts’ dance, what do you call this thing?
SABRINA: it’s a punch bowl.
NICK: Ah, is it for the blood?
SABRINA:…
NICK: I’m new to all this but I’m very excited to be here!
SABRINA: I’m very excited you’re wearing a tux.
NICK: They put spikes in the punch I heard! See, our people are not so different.
NICK: So hey, another mortal thing, romantic slow dancing! I came here to have a good time and it’s super fun so far!
SABRINA: *stares awkwardly at best friend and ex boyfriend slow dancing*
NICK: *in grip of mortal tourist fever* Ooh, confetti.
SABRINA: Do you want to get out of here?
NICK: Ah, l’amour!
SABRINA: Can you believe we were chased out of our romantic nook by a rabid werewolf? So weird!
NICK: haha yes… so, babe, funny first-date story… I know that wolf.
SABRINA: that wolf is an acquaintance?
NICK: So when is a good time to tell your crush that after your parents died you were raised by wolves…
SABRINA: THAT WOLF IS YOUR MOM?
SABRINA: Gotta go find the subreddit JustNoWolfMotherInLaw real quick…
ROZ: So I have visions of terrible events! And I had a vision of us kissing! But I’m sure it will be fine.
HARVEY: Thanks for telling me. Honesty is vital in a relationship.
SABRINA & NICK, ELSEWHERE: *get a migraine*
FATHER BLACKWOOD: *proposes to Zelda with turtle dove hearts*
ZELDA: As is traditional in witch marriage.
NICK: *presents Sabrina with a wolf heart*
AUDIENCE: So, is a wolf heart like a witch promise ring?
HILDA: I too want to celebrate the spirit of Valentine’s with my boss, Dr Cerberus!
DR CERBERUS: But I’m possessed by a sex demon?
HILDA: But do you like-like me?
HILDA: I’m not following your sisterly advice, Zelda. Are you telling me to aggressively sexually pursue the man of my dreams, or to pull him down like an antelope and eat his liver?
ZELDA: … Either? Both?
ZELDA: I mean, sex demons are a feature in every relationship, amirite?
SABRINA: I’m sure this next traditional sexy witch night with Nick and my Red Riding hood costume will go smoothly!
DORCAS, A WEIRD SISTER: pulls down Nick like an antelope
AUDIENCE SURVEY QUESTION: did Nick a) engage in a confusing fight for his virtue, b) go with it, hoping Sabrina wouldn’t find out c) go with it, has no idea Sabrina would be upset?
SABRINA: I’m sure Nick didn’t tell me an elaborate lie and present me with a random different heart… who does that?
RABID WEREWOLF: Snow White is a classic.
SABRINA: Oh, just no, wolf mother-in-law.
NICK: Oh wow, I am so sorry Witch Valentine’s ended with you having to stab my wolf mom and then embrace me while I wept, covered in blood with a dead wolf wearing a dress in my lap.
SABRINA: I pictured the night going differently also.
SABRINA: Sorry about your mom, babe.
DR CERBERUS: Now you understand I am a vile demon, Hilda, and I cannot besmirch your sweet inno–
HILDA: Brace yourself, incoming! (On a broomstick. In a negligee.)
WARLOCK GOSSIP: So blood, sex, magic… pretty standard Valentine’s! How about you, Nick?
NICK: Sabrina kissed me on the forehead and told me love is not weakness. I felt very cherished and understood.
WARLOCKS: Nicholas please… don’t talk about your filthy kinks in front of the ghost children.
NICK: Turns out I’m way into being cherished.
WARLOCKS: NICHOLAS this is SCANDALOUS, Melvin the Warlock is going to FAINT.
AUDIENCE: In retrospect, many Chilling Adventures of Sabrina episodes make more sense in light of Nick’s backstory.
WITCH SOCIETY: toxic warlock masculinity all night every night!
NICK SCRATCH, RAISED BY PROUD IF MURDEROUS WEREWOLF SINGLE MOM: Sabrina, I’m just so embarrassed you’re seeing this.
AUDIENCE: The show has three new couples, Sabrina/Nick, Harvey/Roz and Hilda/Doctor Cerberus The Incubus! Nick was raised by a werewolf! Witch Valentine’s Day was a wild ride.
AUDIENCE: So much romantic drama! How will they follow this up?
AUDIENCE: I would not have predicted a fortune teller episode.
FORTUNE TELLER: Nobody expects the fortune teller episodes!
FORTUNE TELLER: Except the fortune tellers, because, see above.
SABRINA: Dating a bad boy is unnerving. Can you believe we missed the trailers of our movie?!
FORTUNE TELLER: I am starting to think you have a low bar for this kind of thing.
SABRINA: Harvey would have died in his blood before making me miss a trailer.
SABRINA: I am telling you this one is bad to the bone.
NICK: Sabrina I have something to show you I know you will enjoy: educational books on a fascinating historical topic!
FORTUNE TELLER: … seriously, he seems okay.
FORTUNE TELLER: Maybe it’s all the minxes around him who are to blame…
SABRINA: I could be interested in your blaming minxes newsletter. Thank you, I feel very relieved!
SABRINA: Oh briefly, should I be at all concerned my boyfriend is fully capable of deliberately putting on an elaborate charade complete with, for example, an actual wolf heart, to deceive me?
FORTUNE TELLER: … Nah.
FORTUNE TELLER: Ever considered physically transitioning through magic?
THEO: Oooh now there’s a—
FORTUNE TELLER: Slight turning into a tree side effects.
THEO: Hard pass.
FORTUNE TELLER: Have you considered that an eye operation to cure your incipient blindness could lead to being chased around by an eyeless lady?
ROZ: … It wasn’t in my top ten concerns.
FORTUNE TELLER: Being honest with a man will lead to your doooo—
ZELDA: Say no more, I’ve already discarded the notion.
FORTUNE TELLER: Please let me finish saying ‘dooooooom.’
HARVEY: Hi I don’t have loving authority figures so I’m seeking advice about whether to go to art school from fortune tellers? Current girlfriend going blind, ex-girlfriend MIA. Seriously very sad and lonely and in need of guidance.
FORTUNE TELLER: Your card is the fool!
HARVEY: … sigh.
FORTUNE TELLER: I see in your future a roommate, a mystery closet…
HARVEY: Okay artistic stereotypes are—
FORTUNE TELLER: —leading to eldritch horrors!
HARVEY: no escaping those, huh.
FORTUNE TELLER: *waves fool card*
SABRINA: So you like to flirt with everyone, just witches, warlocks, everyone.
NICK: Cool, we’re talking about our hobbies & interests! I’ve heard of doing that in a relationship. Yes, flirting with everyone is my hobby. And you like hairbands!
SABRINA: Okay Nick… it’s finally time to explain monogamy.
NICK: oh Lucifer Son of the Mojito, bring me a bigger drink.
SABRINA: Actually I’d like you to stop talking to the Weird Sisters altogether.
NICK: Um… they’re my only friends.
SABRINA: Talk to the guys at school.
NICK: That’s gross!
SABRINA: That’s valid.
NICK: Sabrina the men at our school are warlocks’ rights activists!!
SABRINA: Oh, I know, talk to Dorian Gray.
SABRINA: Then your virtue will be safe!
NICK: Oh, you sweet summer child.
SABRINA: It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s them!
NICK: Ummm… very new to monogamy but is it… a good sign when people say that?
ROZ: no escape from terrifying blindness curse…
HARVEY: no escape from terrifying magic town…
NICK: no escape from terrifying monogamy…
FORTUNE TELLER: I am secretly evil, mwhahaha!
FORTUNE TELLER: I’m Lilith, and some of that stuff I said in service of my evil plan, but some of it was honestly just to mess with people.
ADAM: My love, you’re home!
LILITH: And you’re here. Remind me of your name again?
ADAM: Let me adore you!
LILITH: That’s a nice name.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Remember your boyfriend Luke?
AMBROSE: Sure, excited for him to return to me!
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Funny story, he was murdered by witch-hunters.
AMBROSE: How is that funny…?
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Evil dad jokes aren’t funny. Like regular dad jokes, but in an evil way.
AMBROSE: Sure hope this group of murderous witch-hunters don’t turn up onscreen!
FATHER BLACKWOOD: As your future distant-cousin-in-law…
AMBROSE: Feeling conflicted about that too.
AUDIENCE: Pour one out for Luke. Will miss LGBT couple, won’t miss the sexism.
ZELDA: I’m a traditional lady. I think marriages should be for power, satisfying physical urges, and obviously, access to Satan, not ‘love.’
WITCH NEWSPAPERS: Zelda is to wed the wicked Father Blackwood! Sources close to the bride say ‘he is an evil tool’ and ‘she can do better.’
HILDA, AMBROSE & SABRINA: It’s us. We’re sources.
NICK: Cheers darling, here’s to another day of successful mongoose.
SABRINA: Monogamy. But yes! Could this be love?
NICK: I hope so, I’ve never done that before! Could we make love or perhaps if you wanna go wild you could kiss my forehead again and verbally express your affection.
SABRINA: I’m distracted by a ghost.
THE GHOST OF SABRINA’S FATHER: Zelda can do better.
SABRINA: Papa do preach.
NICK: oh wow! Your dad is my favorite author. Do you think I could possibly get an autograph?
SABRINA: My father has come back from the dead with a dire warning.
NICK: … So you’re saying now is not the time.
AMBROSE: I’ve been thinking about my descent into darkness and… I don’t wanna have one. Love my fam! Let’s take down evil patriarchs!
SABRINA: ok I have a new plan. Nick will be shirtless.
SABRINA, AMBROSE & NICK: there are no downsides to this plan.
NICK: So just putting this out there. I don’t need reciprocation, or to come up for air for 4 minutes….
SABRINA: Fabulous news! So you can teleport to the depths of the ocean and fight a giant squid to rescue my father’s last work!
NICK: … I mean, I could do that.
SABRINA: Wait. How would I reciprocate fighting a giant squid?
NICK: … you’re right, darling. I was being… so silly…
NICK: I can explain why I teleported shirtless into Sabrina’s bathtub holding a large book!
HILDA: I would strongly prefer you did not.
SABRINA: Must get this forbidden text to our religious leader, the Antipope, and use it convince him Father Blackwood’s policies are uncool. How will we get his attention? No doubt he is stern and inaccessible…
THE ANTIPOPE: In the words of the unholy gospel, what up, sexy!
ZELDA (smug): Thaaaanks, your Unholiness.
AUDIENCE: omg will Zelda sleep with the Antipope?
THE ANTIPOPE: And what up, sexy! to you as well, child!
NICK (smug): Thaaaaanks, your Unholiness.
AUDIENCE: omg will Nick sleep with the Antipope?
THE ANTIPOPE: That hairband is sexy also. Antipope approved.
SABRINA: Thanks, your Unholiness?
AUDIENCE: omg will Sabrina turn down the Antipope?
TWIST: The antipope is murdered, unseduced.
NICK: I have a suggestion about what we could do to entertain ourselves tonight!
SABRINA: I bet.
NICK: Hit the pedal heavy metal (most importantly) show me you care… rock me, rock me.
SABRINA: Your ideas and abs are intriguing, and I’d like to subscribe to your shirtless newsletter.
NICK: I heard a rumor mortals cuddle afterward and I’m pretty excited!
AMBROSE: I’m covered in blood!
NICK: Can’t this wait?
AMBROSE: I’ve been framed for the antipope’s murder!
SABRINA: Sounds like ‘no.’
NICK: What does a guy have to do to get CHERISHED around here?!
SABRINA: I think a dead mouse in the trash round back of the gay bar might be a key witness in my cousin’s murder trial.
NICK: That makes sense! Let me support you through this trying time. You enjoy a refreshing Witchcraft on the Beach. I’ll find the dead mouse.
AUDIENCE: Sabrina, we realize you are deeply concerned about your cousin Ambrose, understandable as he is one of the best characters on the show, and Nicholas, we realize you are desperate for affection, but…
AUDIENCE: Please someone get Nick Scratch out of the trash.
NICK: Now your cousin is on the run on murder charges, we should probably give up on stopping your aunt’s marriage. One problem at a time.
SABRINA: I love a challenge.
NICK: That’s hot but let’s be reasonable.
SABRINA: … never…
NICK: You tried your very best. Come here, let me cheri—
SABRINA: I’m lifting a plan from Hamlet to foil evil by dressing up as my dad’s accusing ghost! Nick, you play my mom!
NICK: Yay, no doubt Hamlet is a happy play about defying gender roles which I can’t wait to read!
SABRINA: … Yeah, so, funny story about Hamlet, as nobody says about Hamlet…
SABRINA: I can’t believe my Hamlet-based plan failed. Who could have predicted that, narratively?
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Even in Hamlet, the evil new uncle didn’t win, but this is why they call these the Chilling Adventures!
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Married Zelda, claimed Prudence, imprisoned Ambrose for murder, expelled Nick & Sabrina for ghost play. In summary kids, evil has triumphed. Hail Satan & kiss the bride.
AMBROSE: Here I am, shirtless, chained to a wall, oh hells have mercy Weird Sisters, I’m totally at your mercy…
PRUDENCE: Stop trying to seduce my sisters.
AMBROSE: Wow I was just commenting on my tragic prisoner predicament!
PRUDENCE: Oh no you weren’t, you sexy menace.
PRUDENCE: We’re going to torture you for your confession now!
AMBROSE: I confess, I AM a sexy menace.
PRUDENCE: Nobody expects the Weird Sisters Inquisition!
AMBROSE: Usually my hot flings don’t wind up with me in a dungeon.
AMBROSE: Well. Only 36% of the time.
NICK: I clearly have no family, friends or home, and having been thrown out of school, I intend to drink myself to death!
NICK: But first, almost call my girlfriend a xenophobic slur.
SABRINA: So I’m gonna go.
NICK: Gosh, I wonder if she’s off to get CHERISHED!
DORIAN GRAY: Nick I will not cherish u, that’s disgusting
DORIAN GRAY: But I will fetch you your 586th whisky.
SABRINA: Sweet mortals, how has regular peaceful life been?
HARVEY: Roz went blind!
HARVEY: She’s been having constant psychic visions and nervous breakdowns!
HARVEY: Also Theo transitioned!
SABRINA: Whomst?
HARVEY: I’m so stressed my brains might fall out of my nose!
SABRINA: Well, I’ve been doing a lot of stuff too.
HARVEY: I don’t wanna talk about Nick Scratch right now!!!
HARVEY AND ROZ: We are coping with bereavement and blindness, plus perceived abandonment by our close friend in these dark times, and we are going to be making wild anti-witch accusations!
ROZ: Did you turn me blind, Sabrina?
SABRINA: … So I see nobody’s being their best selves today.
SABRINA: I return to the bosom of my family, where… my aunt is married to a megalomaniac and my cousin on trial for murders.
SABRINA: Hold me Aunt Hilda. How could this be worse?
WITCH HUNTERS: … You rang?
NICK: You are running back to your mortal boyfriend’s tender embrace. I will never be held and cherished again. So this is monogamy. Thanks, I hate it!
DORIAN GRAY: Nicholas, Sabrina left some time ago. You are talking to a champagne glass.
WITCH HUNTERS: Last call?
AMBROSE: Let me interrupt my daring escape from my torture dungeon to alert the people recently torturing me of the witch hunter threat!
AUDIENCE: Ambrose is the true hero of this show.
WITCH HUNTERS: We don’t care how heroic or handsome this warlock may be, we are a no-exceptions persecution operation!
WITCH HUNTERS: And now, Academy of Unseen Arts, the lesson plan today is burning you all at the stake.
PRUDENCE: In retrospect, it’s just like my father to go on honeymoon at witch hunter o’clock.
ROZ: So we told Sabrina witches suck.
THEO: Why would you do that?
ROZ: Witches cursed me to blindness…
HARVEY: Witches murdered my brother…
THEO: Sabrina is our friend! She definitely used dark magic to get me on the basketball team, have you SEEN me play basketball?
THEO: We can’t hate everyone in a group just because certain members suck. Hope we can agree the important thing is to cherish each other.
HARVEY: … oh dear god, what have I done.
VARIOUS WITCHES IN VARIOUS LOCATIONS: battle witch hunters, who distressingly have angelic powers
NICK, out of his mind drunk and still tragically the most intelligent person in town: Wait, we could get information from an angelic witch hunter cult member!
HILDA: That’s one idea but, in my defence, my demon boyfriend is feeling peckish.
AUDIENCE: Come Back Zelda, Save The Populace of Greendale From Witch Hunters And Their Own Decision-Making!
HILDA, SABRINA AND NICK, WITCHES ALL: We are under attack from witch hunters!
WITCH HUNTER: *bursts through the door armed with deadly weapon*
ALL THREE WITCHES: … oh it’s Harvey. Here to do a drive-by cherishing no doubt.
HARVEY: Indeed here to do a drive-by cherishing!
SABRINA: Harvey, let me run to your arms!
HARVEY: Sabrina, let me enfold you in my tender embrace real quick. Deeply sorry I evinced suspicion of magic. Ready to lay down my life in defence of witches.
NICK: ohnohohnoohno.
NICK: Witch-hunters! All they do is try to exterminate your people and tenderly embrace your girlfriend! Cherishing, right in front of my satanic salad…
HARVEY: Dude… what is your deal?
NICK: I just want to collect all the hotels and win at monogamy, ok!
HARVEY: Are you thinking about monopoly?
NICK: ohnonohonohno.
NICK: Go home, farm boy.
SABRINA: Nick is so right. Harvey, you are a fragile and beautiful treasure who must be protected from all harm.
NICK: I don’t believe I put it like that!
HILDA: I think Harvey is adorable and he should come with us to witch school!
HARVEY: whoa… ghost children…
AUDIENCE: We would fund Harvey’s scholarship to witch school.
HARVEY: whoa… Ambrose bleeding from a dozen wounds…
AMBROSE: Witch-hunters have taken all the remaining witches to our desecrated church, and now only the baptized may enter!
SABRINA: I think I have a Plan.
HILDA: Please not right now luv, must see to Ambrose, he is bleeding out.
SABRINA: I think… I will fite the witch hunters by myself! Brilliant idea, right?
HARVEY & NICK: oh yes. These are our ‘brilliant idea, Sabrina’ faces.
HARVEY: You can’t let her go into danger alone!
NICK: I don’t LET HER do anything.
HARVEY: Feminist point well taken, but I didn’t say let her do it, I said let her do it ALONE.
NICK: ohnohohno.
SABRINA, OUR FABULOUS HEROINE BUT ANTICHRISTY ABOUT THE EDGES: *storms into church alone to face down witch hunters, is riddled with arrows a la Saint Sebastian, levitates and destroys her enemies*
WITCH HUNTERS: ohnoohnoohno
HARVEY, A BABY ANGEL BUT NOT A PLANNER HIMSELF: *storms into church alone to rescue witches, two of whom murdered his brother, princess carries the fallen Sabrina out*
NICK: ohnoohnoohNOOOOO
AUDIENCE: … #angelpowers4Harvey …?
AUDIENCE: It’s funny when you realize Nick’s been deserted by TWO absolute maniacs on solo suicide missions to a desecrated murder church in the last 20 minutes.
NICK: What the…
AUDIENCE: hoping Nick doesn’t have a nervous breakdown.
NICK: OK farm boy, I just need you to explain.
HARVEY: we’re super platonic friends who were recently deeply in love who now just cherish, and draw lovingly detailed pictures of, each other.
NICK: that’s not what I meant.
HARVEY: oh! I get you. Sabrina levitated, her eyes glowed, she burned angelic creatures to ash with her mind, I have questions myself.
NICK: I find it absurd you would mistake my meaning.
NICK: EXPLAIN THE PRINCESS CARRY! The princess carry is a classic move of high romance!
HARVEY: I would princess carry anyone who needed it.
NICK: Okay, harlot!
NICK: I’ll have you know Sabrina and I are very happily minigolfamous.
HARVEY: With the windmills and the tiny castles?
NICK: (internal weeping. There is so much to learn. Nobody even told him about the windmills and tiny castles.)
NICK: Yes. We love the tiny castles.
NICK: HAVE YOU EVER DRESSED UP LIKE HER DEAD MOM?!
HARVEY: I don’t wanna know about your private life.
SABRINA: Hi guys.
NICK: Honey! We were desperately worried about you!
SABRINA: Were you?
NICK: … I was. Not sure who this other guy is.
SABRINA: I feel good! I feel like being shot full of arrows is a fun workout. I feel like floating around healing the sick. Maybe a little more levitation and glowing eyes later.
HARVEY: Uh-oh, eldritch.
AUNT HILDA: As a medical professional, by which I mean person who delivers babies in forests, I diagnose this plot as moving from ‘eldritch adventures’ to oncoming ‘war between hell and earth.’
Part 2B of the Parody, and Daughter of Chaos: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Novel 2 (a Novel about Witches and Mortals in which Sabrina fights a bad-luck demon and a prince of hell, Nick demands lessons about mortal love, and Harvey and Prudence wonder why this stuff keeps happening to them) are both out this time NEXT WEEK! Until then, I hope you enjoyed the parody. Happy Christmas/Yule/day of the week, my doves and ravens.
