Happy Daughter of Chaos day, my sweetlings! Book Two in my Chilling Adventures of Sabrina tie-in series is out TODAY!
And thus in celebration I have made you this present: an affectionate parody of the rest of Part 2 of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.
We left off having recently beheld two bone-chilling sights: 1) Sabrina displaying powers that seemed a titch infernal and 2) (from Nick’s point of view) Harvey princess-carrying Sabrina.
AUDIENCE: Hell on earth beckons with heaven’s merciless soldiers at the ready!
HARVEY: Is heaven not nice? 🙁
NICK: Please improve your mind through extensive reading, farm boy, and consult the Bible.
SABRINA: I heal the stabbed.
HARVEY: Please read a comic, Nicholas, this is clearly a Dark Phoenix situation.
HARVEY: Let me explain Jean Grey. No, there’s too much. Let me sum up.
NICK: Can you please leave before the evil witches kill you?
SABRINA: Great point Nick. Important to shield Harvey from the many people who must have failed to notice him storming a desecrated church.
HARVEY: But if evil witches kill me all your problems are solved, Nick?
NICK: GO TO YOUR HOME! READ A BOOK! DON’T PRINCESS CARRY ANYONE ON THE WAY OUT!
SABRINA: Harvey let me take a special alone moment to thank you for princess carrying me out of the desecrated murder church.
HARVEY: Sure, it’d been ages since I did something wildly misguided.
SABRINA: Let me give you a tender cheek kiss, maybe do some gazing into your eyes?
HARVEY: Wow, Sabrina, we are amazing at this platonic thing I think?
SABRINA: We’re geniuses at plans and being platonic!
NICK: A banshee screaming ‘ohnoohnoohno’ has basically taken up 24/7 residence inside my skull.
SABRINA: Oh here you are in my bedroom while I am scandalously unclad, what a situation, whatever shall we… converse about?
NICK: That mortal and his princess carrying ways!
NICK: I wish to princess carry you. Like… emotionally.
SABRINA: Aren’t you more the sexy make-out guy than the princess carry guy?
NICK: I CAN BE BOTH.
NICK: I have deeps!
NICK: Let’s revisit your sexy make-out idea.
LILITH: Taking a time-out from tormenting Sabrina to enjoy romance! You know I haven’t had luck with men in the past.
ADAM: Many bad apples out there.
LILITH: Mine was Lucifer, Lord of Darkness.
ADAM: Lots of people feel that way about their exes.
LILITH: I was the one who invented the pick-up line ‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’
LILITH: It was a genuine question because he just had. But the line worked, and I never get the credit.
LILITH: And frankly it was all downhill from there.
ADAM: Sometimes people change.
LILITH: Sure. How well I remember when he started manifesting as a demonic goat…
LILITH: Also when he tried to give MY JOB as Queen of Hell to Sabrina, who is 16 and not a gifted planner.
ADAM: Let me take you away from all this.
LILITH: That’s tempting.
LILITH: And believe me, I know tempting.
NICK: A happy moment at last! I can’t believe I get to read a new book by my favorite author!
SABRINA: So my dad’s book is called ‘Sexy, Lovable Mortals, & Why We Should Sexily Love Them.’
NICK: Can’t believe books have BETRAYED me like this.
ROZ: Heard you can cure the sick?
SABRINA: And control the weather! And unite the warring peoples!
ROZ (coughs): But back to that first thing.
SABRINA: I cure thy blindness, Roz!
ROZ: Deeply sorry to have doubted you, Sabrina. You’re my best friend forever and I will support you in all you do.
SABRINA: Invite the kids from your dad’s church to my party about witchcraft!
ROZ: … I will even… oh God… support you in a Plan.
SABRINA: We must have a party tonight in which I explain to all mortals and witches that we must mingle and delight in each other!
NICK: You’re going to throw a party about delighting in that farm boy?
SABRINA: That isn’t what I said.
NICK: That is what I heard.
THEO & HARVEY: are off blamelessly fighting a demon in the mine.
THEO: So you saw a demon in the mine and called me.
HARVEY: Yeah!!! Because we’re best bros.
THEO: Yes, thank you. But I don’t have magic powers.
HARVEY: I cherish u.
THEO: I appreciate that and I’m here for you, but I can’t BELIEVE I’m gonna have to shoot a demon.
HARVEY: That demon you shot was guarding a mural that looks a bit like…
THEO: Uh-oh, eldritch.
LILITH: Based on your understandable devotion to me and your delicious roast, I’ve decided to run away with you, Adam.
ADAM: Thanks so much for having me for dinner.
ADAM: Actually I’m Satan wearing an Adam illusion.
ADAM: But you are literally HAVING Adam for dinner, he’s the roast.
SATAN: God I love dad jokes.
LILITH: I can’t believe the cannibalism motif of the series came back to bite me.
LILITH: As a natural response to grief, I must make an animated scarecrow to murder Sabrina.
NICK: Isn’t this a great party? Guess who isn’t here!
SABRINA: Time for me to reveal my magic to the mortal world!
NICK: Or hear me out, babe… a conga line?
SABRINA: But don’t you want to princess carry me? Emotionally.
NICK & ROZ: Mutual affection for Sabrina and desperation to preserve our romantic relationships are leading us to make rash decisions!
SABRINA: Imma jump off the roof with a broomstick.
NICK & ROZ: Sabrina yes!
HARVEY: SABRINA NO!
NICK & ROZ: ohnoohnoohno
NICK: So, you suspected there was a demon in the mines, and instead of contacting the many magical people of your acquaintance, you took your tiniest friend and went in to face the demon yourself?
HARVEY: Yep! Love that for me.
THEO: So we saw this eldritch mural of Sabrina on the gates of hell, we recognized her by her hairband, and we thought to ourselves…
ROZ: When were hairbands invented?
NICK: Does this mural herald the apocalypse?
SABRINA: Do I herald the apocalypse?!
NICK: Yes, Harry?
SABRINA, preoccupied with Satan: Wow you forgot Harvey’s name?
NICK, who has multiple nicknames for Harvey: … I sure did.
NICK (the most popular boy in school despite not being in their No Girls Allowed Club): Harry, let me condescend and establish my—
HARVEY (does not willingly socialize with cis men): What is he doing? Pls someone make him stop. 🙁
NICK: Oh does this bother you? Then I WILL NEVER STOP.
HARVEY: Cis men were a mistake.
THEO: Harvey, you’re a–
HARVEY: I said what I said, bro.
SABRINA: I think I need a plan to solve me being a herald of the infernal apocalypse.
ROZ: oh God… a Plan…
ROZ: As the most level-headed person in the friends group, I’m starting to feel like I may have made some wild romantic decisions here, Harvey!
HARVEY: No! Don’t leave me! I love you!
ROZ: We have been dating for three weeks.
THEO: koff koff guys
HARVEY: I’m in love with you! I undoubtedly mean that but I am also a bereaved child desperate not to be abandoned!
THEO: Think I might be allergic to romantic drama, gotta go.
HARVEY: Theo please help me!
THEO: zoom zoom
NICK: Can we. PLEASE! Go to the library. Can that be our plan? Let me thoroughly research our options before you risk your own life and magical disaster.
SABRINA: OK that makes sense.
NICK: thank you darling. I’ll be right back from the library. You’re making a good and sensible decision!
SABRINA: Is he gone? Time to risk my own life and magical disaster.
SABRINA: Sensible decisions, as if. Has he met me?
SABRINA: Here’s my new plan: create a weird plant doppelganger of myself to absorb my hell-raising powers, and become mortal.
AMBROSE: Sabrina, you know I’m always gonna vote for being an immortal hottie.
SABRINA: Having recently subscribed to the immortal hottie newsletter, I’m very fond of Nick!
SABRINA: Maybe I love him.
SABRINA: But you know what else I love?
SABRINA: Horrifying plans!
AMBROSE: Sometimes I wonder, should I enable your terrible decisions?
SABRINA: Never wonder that.
AMBROSE: Enabling terrible decisions is what family’s all about. Okay, let’s kill your own magic by making a weird plant version of yourself!
SOME TIME LATER: …
SABRINA: Looks like making a weird plant doppelganger of myself didn’t work out! Let me think of another plan…
ROZ: The woods are crawling with hell creatures, why not make wild romantic decisions! Harvey, I love you too!
THEO: koff koff
HARVEY: never leave me
THEO: I’m still here and I’m DEFINITELY allergic to romantic drama.
HARVEY: should we get married
THEO: I need a romantic drama inhaler.
THEO: is so very tired.
PLANT SABRINA: I toddle about, newborn, seething with dark magic, a manifestation of Sabrina’s id!
PLANT SABRINA: I love… waffles!
PLANT SABRINA: I love… Aunt Hilda!
PLANT SABRINA: I love… Harvey!
AUDIENCE: Oh, there it is.
AUDIENCE: Oh Nick, we are so sorry.
HARVEY: Listen, Plant Sabrina, I DO know what monogamy means.
NICK, somewhere in the library, unmolested by plantlife: Wow I have such a headache, and I don’t know why.
HARVEY: I really want to not tell lies and be honestly devoted to someone.
PLANT SABRINA: Then I guess I have to put u in a cocoon.
PLANT SABRINA: I love… my mortal friends!
THEO & ROZ: We have questions.
PLANT SABRINA: No questions! Only cocoon.
THEO: I’ll get us out of this, but I wanna be clear, I’m this season’s mortal MVP.
PLANT SABRINA: I love… Ambrose!
PLANT SABRINA: Do you love me, Cousin Ambrose?
AMBROSE: Very much, but remember the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ witch policy about love.
PLANT SABRINA: It says it loves me or it gets the cocoon.
AMBROSE: I’m not sure why, but I’m getting a weird vibe here.
REAL SABRINA: Ambrose, our plan to create a dark plant double of me backfired!
AMBROSE: Who could ever have anticipated this!
REAL SABRINA: Let’s use the power of our familial love and trust to defeat her.
AMBROSE: And the power of deceit. That’s key with family.
SABRINA: I think Father Blackwood brainwashed Aunt Zelda to be his obedient wife!
HILDA: How could you tell?
SABRINA: She was being obedient. And wearing pastels.
ZELDA: *wears a floral gown, and hums*
HILDA: I hate to see her this way. We must break this fell curse.
NICK: I hate to seem overly inquisitive, my dove, but why did I return from the library to find a murder scarecrow trying to drown you?
SABRINA: Things have been happening so much but never mind! I have a Plan!
NICK: I support you entirely.
NICK: But I might need to sit down and take some deep breaths…
SABRINA: Do you know something, my teacher wears many bondage chic outfits and laughs maniacally at the moon?
NICK: We’re witches. Seems standard.
SABRINA: Furthermore do you know, everything my teacher ever said to me has led me down the path of damnation?
NICK: Has it?
SABRINA: Sometimes I think the people in my life can’t be trusted!
NICK (sweating): I know my name is Nick Scratch but…
SABRINA: I think my teacher might be Lilith, the Mother of Demons! I can’t believe all this time I was blinded by…
NICK: Her great cheekbones and incredible hair?
SABRINA: My own trusting nature, NICHOLAS.
ZELDA: Oh hells below, my husband brainwashed me!
ZELDA: And framed my beloved semi-nephew Ambrose for murder!
ZELDA: All that I could have forgiven, but pastels? I want a divorce.
ZELDA: Or preferably a widowhood.
ZELDA: So, what’d I miss?
HILDA: Quite a lot…
ZELDA: Does searching for power derived from male authority figures always end up rebounding on women because trying to work within the system doesn’t work in a broken system?
HILDA: Could be.
ZELDA: Just some thoughts I had while holding the remains of a minced mouse.
HILDA: Was Sabrina right about everything?
ZELDA: Hang on Hilda. I wouldn’t go that far.
SABRINA: So now I have tied up my teacher and killed my plant doppelganger in a duel, our problems are solved!
LILITH: What’s that you said, you performed all the tasks of a herald of hell?
SABRINA: Wow, this seems like something a proper kindly mentor would have informed me of before I did it! What happens now?
LILITH: Nothing big.
SABRINA: Oh thank god.
LILITH: Except the apocalypse.
ZELDA: Hilda, we have so many enemies. A nasty teacher at the academy is just the beginning…
HILDA: I murdered her.
ZELDA: … Huh. Well, I think we need to talk to a member of the warlock council about various…
HILDA: I murdered him too.
ZELDA: … Huh.
HILDA: I have three settings, and they are: cooking, providing loving support…
HILDA: … And MURDER.
AUDIENCE: Aunt Hilda’s really blossomed since she found love.
AUDIENCE: Into a murder flower.
AUDIENCE: Love that for her.
SATAN: So now Sabrina has performed all the tasks of the herald to hell, and opened a gateway for me in my new manly incarnation, and shortly the demons in hell will flood through my gates and I will rule earth as it is in hell with Sabrina by my side.
DORIAN GRAY: Uh huh, super interesting.
DORIAN GRAY: Big fan of your manly incarnation by the way.
DORIAN GRAY: Does your manly incarnation have a phone number?
SATAN: Uh, my manly incarnation doesn’t even have clothes.
DORIAN GRAY: Your manly incarnation doesn’t NEED clothes.
ZELDA: Satan is my dark god, whom I serve with both body and cursed soul…
SABRINA: Help aunties! Satan is trying to drag me off to hell!
ZELDA: Guess we have to kill Satan.
HILDA: I’ll get the knives, luv.
SATAN: I’ve decided to make Sabrina queen of hell and earth.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Wow, me and my god are having some religious differences!
PICK-UP FULL OF MORTALS: rolls up to the witch house.
ROZ & THEO: Should we use our powers of invisibility to rob banks, or to fight crime?
HARVEY: So, Sabrina, I was molested and then abducted by a plant person wearing your face…
NICK: Wow, no need to brag.
SABRINA: So sorry, Harvey, but that was last episode’s plotline. This episode the town is about to be taken over by Satan and all his little imps.
NICK: Best go be safe in your home, Harry.
ROZ & THEO: We have names too, dude.
HARVEY: … I also have a name. A different name. But please continue being petty as the apocalypse bears down upon us.
NICK: Thank you Harry. I shall.
SABRINA, born chaos queen: Whenever Harvey gets new dramatic magical information, he launches into drastic action. So interested to see what he’ll do!
HARVEY, born disaster fawn: Let’s blow up the gates of hell with dynamite!
NICK: Satan grant me patience. That is stupi—
SABRINA: Harvey, I have something to say.
NICK: –oh thank the dark god, she’s going to tell him he’s stupi–
SABRINA: I love this plan. It is genius.
SABRINA: Harvey yes!
NICK: HARRY NO!
HARVEY: I only hear one person using my actual name and they think my dynamite plan is the bomb!
NICK: Ohnoohnoohno, am I the mom friend?
HARVEY: you’re not my friend.
AUDIENCE: It is hilarious to reflect that Nick’s main reference for mortals are Harvey, engaged in life-threatening activities almost every time Nick sees him, and now Roz (supports Sabrina in wild plans), and Theo (supports Sabrina and Harvey in wild plans).
AUDIENCE: It is possible Nick believes mortals light themselves on fire for fun, and all Sabrina’s behavior is down to being half mortal.
NICK: Little mortals… tiny… fragile… will die…
SABRINA: Me too probably!
NICK: OH YES, NOW I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
ROZ & THEO: We’re off to the hellmouth to enact Harvey’s dynamite plan!
NICK: What did they teach Sabrina’s lot in mortal preschool, stop, drop and rebel against Satan?!
SABRINA: All right Nick honey, take care of yourself, I really appreciate your loving support of my rebellion against Satan!
NICK: I wanna google ‘how to get mortals to stop blowing their fool heads up’ but I don’t entirely understand what google is…
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Prudence let’s go on a family vacation.
PRUDENCE: Aw, that’s so nice, what’s the occasion?
FATHER BLACKWOOD: I decided I hate our god and poisoned our whole coven, including your adoptive sisters, and now we have to go on the run.
PRUDENCE: I think it’s the Opposite of Father’s Day in Greendale.
NICK: True love is super stressful.
AUDIENCE: Think Nick Scratch might need a hug.
ZELDA: Nicholas use your strapping shoulders to ward our home against Satan.
AUDIENCE: Probably not a hug from Zelda.
PRUDENCE: I’ve decided to rebel against my father!
SABRINA & AMBROSE: I feel that feel.
PRUDENCE: We must save our coven!
SABRINA: And the world from Satan!
PRUDENCE: Oh dark god here we go. There’s literally zero (0) good things about this day.
AMBROSE: Girl, I love your new rebellious style.
PRUDENCE: There’s one (1) good thing about this day.
SATAN: Sabrina, you are my beloved daughter!
SABRINA: Well, this is rock bottom.
SATAN: And I believe you already know my spy, who pursued you romantically on my orders?
SABRINA: Oh no… here’s a lower place.
NICK: My name IS Nick Scratch, so in a way, this is really more on you…
AUDIENCE: oh no, Nick is that guy who says feminist things but when the chips are really, truly down, sells you out to the patriarchy/Satan!
AUDIENCE: We trusted you, Nick Scratch.
AUDIENCE: We’re more mad at ourselves than you. What were we thinking, trusting somebody called Nick Scratch?
AUDIENCE: Back in the trash, Nick Scratch!
SABRINA: True love has failed me, ONCE AGAIN.
SABRINA: My mortals are busy trying to blow up the gates of hell.
SABRINA: Actually now I think about it, that might be slightly dangerous.
ROZ: Harvey, should we be fighting demons? I literally cannot shoot a gun.
HARVEY: You’ll get the hang of it, honey! I cherish u.
THEO: I’m trying to physically block the gates of hell, but even getting the mortal MVP award may not be worth this.
ROZ: I’m having a psychic vision that we’re screwed.
SABRINA: At least I’ll always have my loving family.
ZELDA, HILDA & AMBROSE: *attack Satan with knives*
SATAN: That… isn’t gonna work?
SABRINA: Actually now I think about it, that might be slightly dangerous.
SATAN: Be my devoted daughter or everyone you ever loved dies!
SABRINA: You don’t think a coerced relationship is basically meaningless?
SATAN: Hellooooo? I am Satan.
LILITH: I want to be on the side of truth and justice!
SABRINA: O rly?
LILITH: OK, I just hate my ex.
SABRINA: That’s more convincing. Welcome to Team Good, Lilith.
ZELDA: I prefer to think of us as Team Lawful Evil.
ZELDA: It’s the law that dudes can’t let us down anymore.
NICK: So there’s no chance you will regard Satan setting us up as a meet-cute?
SABRINA: Get out of my bedroom, I hate you and I’m busy plotting against Satan!
NICK: Sabrina pls you can’t doubt my genuine affection for you! I fought a giant squid. I endure the long national nightmare of monogamy for your sake!
SABRINA: You’re on thin ice, buddy!
NICK: Let me help you rebel against Satan.
SABRINA: Ugh. Those three little words that always melt my heart… ‘rebel against Satan’…
SABRINA: OK FINE. But I will not be in a cherishing mood.
NICK: For how long?
SABRINA: Could be centuries!
SABRINA: OK guys I have a plan. A musical is our only hope.
SATAN: Yay, this is my ideal vision of fatherhood: thrones of skulls, gold lame, and musical numbers.
LILITH: why did I ever date u!
SATAN: We all make mistakes in college. Or Eden.
SATAN: This is a special moment for us. I put a lil ‘Baby on Board’ sticker on the back of my throne of skulls.
SABRINA: Um… thanks.
SATAN: Would you like to keep your mortals as pets on leashes?
SABRINA: Um… sure.
SATAN: Would you like to rule Greendale as your own personal kingdom?
SABRINA: Psych! I ALREADY think of Greendale as my own personal kingdom. One must claim one’s own power rather than having it granted by gross dudes!
SABRINA: Now I will trap Satan in this magic box!
SATAN: That… isn’t gonna work?
AUDIENCE: It’s touching how everyone still has such faith in Sabrina’s plans. Her success rate cannot be described as 100%.
AUDIENCE: But she tries so hard and she means so well.
AUDIENCE: And somebody has to stop the apocalypse.
AUDIENCE: Somebody. Anybody? Bueller?
NICK: Due to my extensive reading, I happen to know that a hot magic guy is a substitute for a magic box. I will trap Satan using my own body as a prison!
SABRINA: Wow I have to ask myself, are dramatic plans contagious…
SABRINA: Like, are they kissually transmitted?
ROZ: I’ve been wondering that myself.
NICK: I love you!
SABRINA: I can’t believe my plot to imprison Lucifer, the Great Dragon and King of Lies, got so complicated…
NICK: I love you and the last seconds I’m in control of my body are draining away, do you have anything to say to me?
SABRINA: wow this is so bad…
NICK: Quick cherish for the road?
SABRINA: This is all happening so fast…
NICK: *falls over*
LILITH: I declare myself Queen of Hell, so bright side?
LILITH: Maybe just for me.
EVERYONE: 🙁 🙁 🙁
LILITH: 🙂 🙂 🙂
LILITH: I’ll throw the Satan container into a back room in hell, then throw a party!
SABRINA: His name is Nicholas Scratch!
AUDIENCE: It really is, we’ve come to accept that.
LILITH: None of you are invited to my party because I hate you.
AUDIENCE: Oh NO, Nick is that guy who says feminist things and DOES believe them but still makes mistakes because the patriarchy/Satan are in your head…
AUDIENCE: And now Satan is literally in his head.
AUDIENCE: And NOW, as the darkly ironic frosting on the doom cake…
AUDIENCE: Harvey is helpfully princess carrying Nick to hell.
AUDIENCE: Wow, Nick is having a DAY.
AUDIENCE: Sabrina’s last few months have also not been chill.
LILITH: *yoinks golden crown*
AUDIENCE: Get it, girl! It being the throne of hell.
LILITH: (Dark) God is a WOMAN! And it me.
SABRINA: Mortal friends, you have been extremely helpful during the apocalypse, so I don’t have to protect you from my magic adventures anymore!
ROZ: The fact we almost died means you don’t have to protect us from dying?
SABRINA: Yup! Let’s have a band name.
ROZ: We care for and support you, and I hope I speak for us all when I say–
HARVEY: Yay! Love this for me.
HARVEY: Let’s get awesome life-threatening T-shirts!
THEO: I’m loyally in for life-threatening T-shirts.
AUDIENCE: We do love a Scooby Gang.
ZELDA: I voted myself head of the coven.
ZELDA: Now all I have to do is hope nobody finds out about Hilda’s many murders, or our sacrilegious rebellion against the dark god.
HILDA: Heh heh heh. Stop me before I bake a cake… or kill again!
AUDIENCE: Nice to see women in leadership positions but so often they inherit systemic problems.
AUDIENCE: Best of luck, Zelda, you are a good person deep down!
AUDIENCE: Best of luck, Lilith, you have great cheekbones and inner pain, and that’s more important than being good.
PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: have acquired leather and swords to hunt down Father Blackwood.
PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: we’re gonna do it for justice
PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: we’re gonna do it for vengeance
PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: but most of all… we’re gonna do it for the aesthetic.
SABRINA: As the first task for the Fright Club, I have a Plan, and this one feels like a multiple-episode arc!
ROZ: oh god here we go…
SABRINA: Let’s go to hell and get my boyfriend back!
CUT AWAY: before we see Roz gently weeping, Theo gamely agreeing, and Harvey torn between ‘love me a demented plan’ and ‘would I go to hell for a guy who won’t call me by name?’
SABRINA: All aboard for the infernal road trip!
AUDIENCE: We do love a road trip.
AUDIENCE: Can’t wait for more Bone-Chilling Plans of Sabrina!
AUDIENCE: Please get Nick back! Then place him gently in the trash.
Hope you enjoyed, doves and ravens! Really, I can’t wait for more Bone-Chilling Plans of Sabrina. Part 3 is out January 24! And for now, well, I may have mentioned a novel in which Sabrina accidentally summons a Prince of Hell, Prudence tries to set a Satanic Family Trap, Nick studies mortal love and learns perhaps the wrong lessons, and Harvey princess-carries at least two (2) people, is out now!