My dear friends and tear suppliers, this is a happy happy time!
IN OTHER LANDS is a finalist for the Award for Best Young Adult book at the Hugo awards! I am overwhelmed by this news, and the reception of this book. I truly did not believe the gay romance and the wings and the four years of sarcastic shenanigans would go over like this, but I’m so proud and so touched.
To celebrate, I am putting up a parody I prepared earlier of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I hope you guys like the parody! It is my gift to you.
I do have more parodies both done and in the works, and for early access to parodies, stories and My Latest Book News, I am going to start actually sending out newsletters! I’m not sure what one does with a newsletter but tell me what you guys would like and I’ll do that. Sign up for my newsletter here!
As well as getting on my newsletter, I have modified and updated my website, so it is shiny. You can behold the shiny, along with my author appearance at the North Texas Teen Book Festival and my brand new author photos, in which I wear a dazzling array of my cancer wigs.
Before we start parody time, let me make one thing clear: I found much of this movie compelling and entertaining, but I don’t really have a ship, space or otherwise. However, I would push literally anyone else in these movies off a space bridge to get to John Boyega.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a girl watched Star Wars without being a mega-fan, so forgive any mistakes. (She even watched the prequels. She didn’t deserve that.)
General Hux, the Nazi Weasley: Blow up this small resistance fleet & especially its roguish pilot. Set phasers to maximum evil.
Poe: Is this General Hugs’s Fast Food Emporium? Can I get extra cheese on that?
Hux: No this is Hux at the evil empire, you must be confused.
Poe: My robot wants the animal fries.
BB 8: beep beep
Hux: Are you mocking me?
Poe: My robot also wants extra cheese.
Hux: Can you stop, the stormtroopers are getting hangry!
Poe: Let’s attack with reckless courage!
Secondary character Paige: Uh oh, that never goes well for secondary characters.
Poe: i am so happy to blow up ships & see Finn naked!
Audience: Relatable. Uh that second thing.
Poe: You must have so many questions
Finn: Where’s the other main character?
Rey, Our Fearless Jedi Protagonist: Is on Cute Space Penguin Island with Luke Skywalker
Luke: I’m here to throw away your expectations & my lightsabers.
Rey: Well I’m not giving you any more lightsabers Mr Skywasteful.
(I wonder what our villains are up to!)
Kylo Ren, Our Emotagonist: I have daddy issues.
Audience: We know.
Kylo Ren: I mean… I have all of them. Nobody else is allowed to have daddy issues again. I collect them. Like Pokemon.
Kylo Ren: Well, time to talk to my evil father figure and overlord, who I’m pretty sure is going to be very proud of me and tell me I am a good evil boy!
Space Hugh Hefner: u disappoint me & ur helmet is ridiculous.
Kylo Ren: I don’t like your gold lame space robe but I’M not making personal comments.
Kylo Ren: Imma destroy my helmet & drive my spaceship too fast!
Evil minions: who was that?
More evil minions: I dunno, but he trashed the elevator.
Evil minions: Oh, then he must be Kylo Ren, the reason insurance fees are at a premium in the Empire! So that’s what Kylo Ren looks like without his helmet. I guess he does his hair with the Force.
Luke: I milk the many boobed space cow.
Luke: I keep ancient sacred texts in an old tree.
Luke: I lead a rich and varied life.
Rey: I need a teacher. Um, to be clear, not in space dairy farming or librarianing.
Leia: Poe you have great hair & great instincts but I urge a moment’s thought.
Leia: Literally anytime.
Leia: But especially when evil is tracking us.
Leia: And now evil is blowing up all our spaceships.
Kylo Ren: do I wanna kill my mom & be a 100% orphan…
Kylo Ren: no I think I will… restrain myself…
Universe: Congratulations! Here is your ‘not as big a murderer as you could’ve been’ award.
Rey: Hey, look at this footage from the original movies and then help me in my mission to murder your nephew and my overly tall garbage nemesis.
Luke: I feel this vision of young Leia exploited my feelings.
Poe: I order that we not retreat in the face of overwhelming odds!
General Holdo: As the new leader, I order you shut your pretty mouth.
Poe: We must take rash action!
General Holdo: As a purple space hair wizard myself, I respect your curls but not your judgement.
Rose: I am dazzled by the sight of Finn & when he attempts to leave I will stop him by any means necessary!
Rose: I am the most relatable character in all the Star Wars.
Rose & Finn: Let’s infiltrate the enemy base & destroy the space tracker!
Poe: It’s a lunatic scheme!
Poe: I love it.
Poe: what do you think, Leia?
Leia: is in a coma
Poe: she loves it too
Kylo Ren: wow I’ve never had a psychic link with a lady before. should we call this force time or force Skype?
Rey: I’m gonna hit you with my best shot.
Kylo Ren: this is my first time force skyping
Kylo Ren: be gentle with me
Kylo Ren: blast me lightly
Luke: Everything you say is wrong.
Luke: Saying that to youths is my hobby, that & bingo with reptilian space nuns.
Rey: I have all these dark urges
Rey: don’t Force shame me, Luke
Kylo Ren: … did someone say dark urges?
Luke: I tried to train someone with dark urges once…
Rey: Yes, but dude, you are meant to be a space sage, you must have noticed Kylo Ren is garbage.
Finn: Hey I’m so glad we’re on a quest for a master code breaker in space Monte Carlo!
Rose: Space Monte Carlo is garbage!
Finn: Sparkly garbage.
Rose: space Monte Carlo’s riches are built on the worst business of all…
Finn: oh man, space hooking?
Rose: war profiteering!
Finn: as a child soldier I am stunned to hear war has terrible effects.
Rose: AND this city is built on cruelty to space cat horses.
Finn: I hate animal cruelty. I also hate it when the space Monte Carlo popo throw us in the slammer before I get even one spin on the space roulette wheel.
BB 8: beep beep I killed a man in space Monte Carlo just to watch him die *jailbreak*
DJ: Hi my name is DJ and I am a space hacker, trust me because you conveniently found me in prison!
Rose: Okay but first we need to escape and cause as much property damage to Space Monte Carlo in the process as possible.
Finn: Causing property damage was totally worth our lives.
Rose: Freeing one (1) space cat horse was totally worth our lives.
DJ: I find this moral questionable, but then I’m morally questionable like that. Let us away!
Rey: It’s time to ask you the most important question of all, Kylo Ren.
Rey: why did you kill your fa–WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!
Kylo Ren: should I change
Kylo Ren: but these are my best off the shoulder pants
Kylo: I could hitch the pants higher–
Kylo: OK I guess I’ll just stand here shirtless & tell you about my tragic backstory.
Rey: Interesting. Interesting.
Luke: so, back to your nemesis, Kylo Ren,
Rey: Yes, I’ve been thinking about him and I think he’s totally ripped.
Rey: Totally redeemable. Yes, I had a very important Force-related shirtless vision about him.
Luke: what was that word?!
Rey: … very important… Force related…
Rey: excuse me I need a cold shower
Rey: Actually this is no time for half measures. I must fling myself into the icy remorseless ocean.
Rey: Here we are… a campfire… sharing secrets… a definite possibility of spin the light saber…
Kylo Ren: Oh god, you know I am that guy who plays John Mayer very badly on the acoustic guitar.
Rey: I don’t want to think about that at this time, Kylo!
Rey: How about a spot of hand holding… Ben.
Kylo Ren: Finally my life gets a PG 13 rating for something besides murder.
Luke: LEAVE ROOM FOR THE FORCE, KIDS!
Luke: let me flash back to the time I looked into my nephew Ben’s mind and saw the evil overlord’s hands down his mind. I was tempted to maybe kill Ben. I thought about it for a fleeting moment. I had never had such a thought before even in all his unfortunate teen musical phases. Still I know I was wrong.
Luke: Alas, Ben was but a scared boy.
Rey: who looked like he was 30?
Luke: Times in the Jedi temple were hard.
Rey: I gotta go save Kylo Ren like you saved Darth Vader
Rey: But first Imma do my hair. Mascara. Some light blush.
Luke: I did not put on lip gloss to redeem Vader.
Rey: Sure, Luke, let’s perpetuate the myth men aren’t all wearing makeup in the movies. Do you know what lipstick Captain America wears, because it is fetching and I think it would impress Kylo Ren.
Luke: In my day villains kept their shirts ON.
Luke: I’m gonna burn some books, that ends well always.
Yoda: You burned nothing that Rey does not already have.
Luke: Ah, spiritually.
Yoda: But also she literally stole the sacred Jedi texts & is writing ‘mr & mrs kylo ren’ in the margins.
Yoda: Your problem, Luke, is you are always looking to the horizon.
Luke: That scene with the binary sunset is iconic!
DJ: here’s the morally ambiguous tea, Finn and Rose: I’ve betrayed you to the evil empire!
DJ: literally your three options for being are a) rebel b) evil c) amoral selfish scum!
Finn: that doesn’t seem tr–
DJ: it’s the thesis of this movie so learn to accept it!
Finn: Well, I must accept a lot of things, including the fact that I have to use my elite thespian skills to deliver the taunt ‘Chrome Dome’ while fighting Brienne of Space Tarth.
Rey: I’m going to put myself in this box, and post myself to Kylo Ren.
Chewbacca: Is this wise?
Rey: You think I should go for expedited shipping?
Chewbacca: That’s not what I think, no.
Rey: If I don’t come back, tell Finn…
Chewbacca: You loved his performance in the movie Attack the Block?
Rey: That’s perfect. Tell him that.
Chewbacca: They grow up so fast… and post themselves to their evil boyfriends…
Poe: Traitors are the worst.
Poe: Imma mutiny.
General Holdo: I hope you understand what you’re doing. I hope you understand what I’m doing. I mean, I could actually tell you what I’m doing so you could understand, but better to just stay cryptic on this.
Rey: i wake up as my space coffin opens like Snow White, my prince’s hair backlit, and in his hands a bouquet of… chains.
Kylo Ren: Hey, baby.
Rey: Fifty shades of Rey has made a mistake.
Leia: what’s that Poe?
Leia: you want to be blasted unconscious for starting a mutiny?
Leia: that’s what I thought you said.
Rey: Nice of the guards to give us alone time.
Kylo: Everybody refuses to ride in elevators with me at all times.
Leia: To the getaway spaceship! I packed Poe in the hold.
Holdo: I like Poe. Though he’s given me no reason to like him. Except the hair.
Space Hugh Hefner: And here is Rey… lured here by my amazing Forcetime scheme!
Space Hugh Hefner: I’m so proud of you Kylo, my sulky little honeypot!
Rey & Kylo: We got catfished by an elderly pervert!
Rey & Kylo: The double catfish is rare.
Poe: I totally get Holdo’s escape plan now! If only she’d told me.
Leia: In retrospect yes, that would’ve solved a lot.
Rey: This is disgusting, and your evil overlord looks like a tangerine that’s been behind the radiator for weeks.
Space Hugh Hefner: Rude! For that I’m putting you in the space iron maiden of the mind.
Kylo Ren: My internet girlfriend has made a great point. Compelling.
Space Hugh Hefner: you’re going to kill someone Kylo I sense it.
Space Hugh Hefer: you’re going to kill someone and I’m oddly not sensing any feminine pronouns.
Space Hugh Hefner: yep, you’re going to kill someone, and if it wasn’t for my long speech full of obvious foreshadowing, the audience might have been surprised when it was me.
Rey: Hell yes!
Kylo Ren: Now nothing can come between us!
Rey: Except possibly the overlord’s elite army.
Rey: Next time we fight an elite army back to back, my darling evil blueberry muffin, please tie your hair back in a sensible fashion.
Kylo Ren: I won’t.
Kylo Ren: It’s my hair cape. It’s a vital part of my evil aesthetic.
Rey: I can’t believe we took down the dark lord and now we’re getting married!
Kylo Ren: I am overjoyed that we are on exactly the same page! U really get me boo.
Rey: You are never wearing a shirt again!
Kylo Ren: That’s startling information but, as long as I can keep the capes, okay!
Rey: And now we can go back to the Resistance and tell them we have triumphed and have tea with Princess Leia and I can ask to call her Mom!
Kylo Ren: And now we can rule the Empire together as king and queen, beautiful and terrible as the dawn!
Kylo Ren: What.
Rey: What was that about a dark empire?
Kylo Ren: What was that about my mom?
Rey: You had to know your mom was one of your biggest selling points.
Rey: I can’t believe this. I’m starting to think you should have the relationship talk about who takes out the trash and who rules the evil empire before you post yourself to your man.
Kylo Ren: Let’s compromise. You take out the trash. You can take me out anytime. Like we can go to dinner. And let’s rule the evil empire together!
Kylo Ren: The Dark Side is very cool and powerful. They taught me many evil things, such as how to neg a lady. Let me show you…
Rey: I have to leave, right now, immediately.
Poe: I said Holdo was a coward for not running away, and now she is saving us all by not running away but dying a martyr’s cool exploding in space death.
Poe: I have so many regrets. Such as all the mutiny. And all the deaths.
Poe: Also never getting with a purple hair wizard.
Poe: Man, I don’t deserve to bang purple hair wizards.
Hux: I remembered our supreme overlord differently. I remember when he was not so divided. And I don’t mean figuratively. I mean by a lightsaber.
Kylo: Um, it was Rey. Yes, totally Rey! She killed Snoke & all the guards! And she’s my girlfriend.
Hux: Now THAT’s ridiculous & unbelievable.
Hux: Though I have gone into your quarters and read your poetry about her.
Kylo: THAT IS PRIVATE.
Hux: Who’s gonna be supreme overlord now?!
Hux: Oh God Kylno.
Hux: What did I ever do to deserve this? Aside from all the systematic planetary destruction.
Stormtroopers: Youths are in charge of the Empire! It is now illegal to not eat brunch.
AUDIENCE: This planet is made of salt.
AUDIENCE: So the battle between the Skywalkers will take place on the physical incarnation of the internet…
Leia: Any words from our faithful allies?
Space Cadet: Um, I think our faithful allies are ghosting us.
Space Cadet: But we do have 700 emails from hux @ generevil asking to defect to the Resistance and begging you to save him from your awful son.
Leia: Delete the spam.
Minions: Millennium Falcon sighted.
Kylo Ren: Minions, destroy the SS Daddy Issues at once!
Finn: Time to kill myself for the glorious revolution!
Poe: No Finn! The moral of this movie is less suicide runs for hotties!
Finn: Rose… why did you stop me killing myself…
Rose: Because we have switched ideologies, though it might make more sense to meet in the middle, but I guess that’s for the third movie!
Finn: … and then kiss me?
Rose: Have you seen you?
Minions: Is that… Luke Skywalker?
Kylo: Fire on Luke. Crush every father figure. I must destroy the whole set.
Poe: oh Finn, my sweet space summer child, u remind me of me from when I was young.
Finn: last week?
Poe: good times, my rash youth.
Poe: So Holdo was right and I was wrong, and Rose was right and you were wrong, even when you totally switched opinions. Maybe the lesson here is… women fix stuff.
Finn: We can’t ask women to do all the emotional labour in space!
Luke: I took Rey’s advice.
Audience: Faced down the First Order?
Luke: I did my hair to go see Kylo Ren.
The Battle of the Skywalkers: good or evil, the Skywalkers only put on capes to dramatically fling them off.
Rey: Finn! We have not had any screentime together and I miss you! Let us embrace.
Finn: Exactly what I was thinking.
Rey: Wait. Possibly… Finn’s shirt might also come off?
Rey: Or might Rose… already be taking Finn’s shirt off?
Poe: Hey baby. Rey baby.
Rey: Possibly a lot of people’s shirts come off?
Rey: This revelation is a real gamechanger for me.
Luke: I’ve astrally projected here to sass you, Kylo.
Luke: It’s the galaxy’s first sasstral projection.
Luke: Now I must away, to turn into nothing but a cloak, dramatically flung into the horizon.
Luke: Told you that sunset scene was iconic.
Rey: And so you’re back from outer space
Rey: I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
Rey: I should have changed the spaceship lock
Kylo: Woe. All I have is the illusion of my dad’s fuzzy dice & his Honk for Smugglers sticker. And an empire.
Kylo: … And one (1) remaining father figure. Please await Movie 9: The Hunt for Chewbacca.
Audience: So instead of dying facing Kylo Luke died facing Kylo…
Movie: But in an EMPOWERING WAY.
Unremarkable Child Actor, Of Course A Boy: I could be a Jedi!
Movie: Maybe the final thesis of this movie is, anyone could be a magic space wizard! Especially any unremarkable boy. And that’s beautiful.
One small thing:
Unremarkable Child Actor, Of Course A WHITE Boy: I could be a Jedi!
Now it’s flawless!
Just wonderful! I love Attack the Block too!
You had me from “General Hux, the Nazi Weasley.”