Since I’d written the best part of several parodies on twitter, I decided to go the whole hog and put up a parody of the 100, season 2, episodes 1 to 5.
THE 100, EPS 1-5
CLARKE: I have awakened in a peaceful white room.
CLARKE: Time to smash the glass and TAKE A HOSTAGE with a glass shard!
HOSTAGE: Careful, I’m a teen cutie, bound to be someone’s love interest!
ARRAY OF ELDERLY FOLKS HAVING A TEA PARTY: Good gracious. A blood-covered lady taking a hostage with a glass shard! What a social faux pas!
CLARKE: I admit I did not expect the inside of the mountain to be a garden party.
MOUNTAIN FOLKS: Fetch the vicar!
MONTY: Clarke, Clarke!
CLARKE: Babies. Subjects. Let me hold you. Your mom the queen is home and will brutally slay anyone who dares to hurt y–
JASPER: There’s awesome food here!
CLARKE: So everybody’s being nice to us, and we have pillows, and heating, and abundant delicious food?
CLARKE: … This is terrible.
CLARKE: Has nobody read Watership Down? In Watership Down, the protagonist rabbits reach a totally five-star burrow where they are made welcome and given rabbit delicacies and told to live there forever, and that turns out to be because it is a burrow where the rabbits are trapped and the men feed them and the rabbits have made a devil’s bargain! A RABBIT DEVIL BARGAIN, I say!
CLARKE: Bigwig almost dies!
JASPER: In the non-fancy parts of the spaceship they did not let us have luxuries such as books.
CLARKE: How are Finn and Bellamy?
JASPER: Bellamy is dead.
MONTY: … Who is Finn?
JASPER: Whoever that Finn guy is you mentioned is probably dead too.
BELLAMY: is not dead
AUDIENCE: The 100 have made a good decision this day.
BELLAMY: is running through the woods with a giant spear
AUDIENCE: Ah, classic Bellamy.
BELLAMY: Hello, tiny subjects I have found wandering in the woods.
TINY SUBJECTS: Hail to our king!
BELLAMY: I spy a mutant who has taken Finn captive! Let us fight them to release our comrade!
TINY SUBJECTS: … Who is Finn?
BELLAMY: You know, Finn! Good old Finn.
TINY SUBJECTS: Refresh our memory. What has he ever done?
BELLAMY: That’s not really Finn’s thing.
TINY SUBJECTS: Doing stuff?
BELLAMY: See! I told you that you knew him!
BELLAMY: I leap to your rescue Finn!
TINY SUBJECTS: I don’t know, boss, we don’t even know that guy…
BELLAMY: is brutally beaten and very disappointed in his tiny subjects
TINY SUBJECTS: To the king!
MUTANT: This is gonna go poorly for everyone.
SPACE VIZIER: *shoots him*
SPACE VIZIER: Bet you a million space dollars?
BELLAMY: Space vizier! This is amazing! You saved me and my tiny subjects! You saved Finn!
SPACE VIZIER: Who is Finn?
BELLAMY: It is so funny everyone is asking me that.
FINN: I am in this scene!
AUDIENCE: Classic Finn.
OCTAVIA: I am poisoned and seeing ghastly hallucinations.
LINCOLN: I go to my home, where I am a wanted criminal, to find you medicine!
ACTUAL MUTANT: I am not a ghastly hallucination, but more on that later!
CLARKE: Take me to your leader!
LEADER: I am an elderly and fancily dressed dude, fond of art, music and every other kind of culture and refined activity. Call me President Snowger Games. Trust me 100%.
BELLAMY: Now we escape the Space Vizier and return to the dropship and find our people!
FINN: That seems like a lot of work. But OK since Clarke’s there.
CLARKE: Why do you creepy people live underground like creepers?
PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: You see the mutants who live on the ground are immune to radiation, and so are you space dudes, because of…?
PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: Well…
CLARKE: Solar radiation!
PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: SOLAR RADIATION! Exactly. Exactly. That’s a thing, right? That’s totally a thing.
PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: Phew that could’ve got very embarrassing.
PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: Anyway we live underground because we are delicate snowflakes, allergic to radiation.
PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: There! That all makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Run along, cupcake!
MAYA, FORMERLY KNOWN AS CLARKE’S HOSTAGE: Pallid & Delicate Underground Flower Seeks Love Interest. Must enjoy: science experiments, believing everything I say, cake and also pie.
JASPER: Oh mama. It is Jasper’s lucky day!
MAYA: Heard you had a great chat with Snowgergames and you were going to stay in docile captivity from now on? Whoo, docile captivity!
CLARKE: Yay I love cake, pie and docile captivity.
CLARKE: … PSYCH! I hate all those things. I’m bustin outta here.
MEANWHILE, AT THE DROPSHIP: Murphy the Serial Killer stumbles upon the beautiful Raven, who immediately tries to shoot him because she is Perfect.
MURPHY: I know I shot you in the spine but have you ever considered my pain?
RAVEN: I can’t believe this gun’s out of bullets.
MURPHY: I have a tragic backstory. Let me tell you about it.
RAVEN: Let me transform my eyes into lasers and try shooting you with them.
BELLAMY: Murphy, you betrayed my people and SHOT THE PEERLESS RAVEN and I am going to kill you in the face!
BELLAMY: WELCOME TO MURDER TOWN.
FINN: I’m just standing here not doing a thing.
FINN: … Classic me. Did you miss me, you wily audience minxes? I know you did.
MONTY: We would come with you, Clarke, but…
MONTY: Also pie.
CLARKE: flees through myriad chambers of the mountain.
AUDIENCE: Watch out Clarke, there could be a dragon. I mean, he’ll be voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it won’t be SO bad…
SPACE VIZIER: Bellamy Blake! ur under arrest young man.
FINN: Uh… Murphy did, IDK, kill some people, I guess? And I think—shot that girl? I’m pretty sure we used to date. Her face is very familiar to me.
SPACE VIZIER: Arrest that guy for, oh, murdering folks, I guess.
SPACE VIZIER: But also still arrest that other guy for beating him up. And also for his insubordinate rebel leader face.
SPACE VIZIER: And leave Finn alone. He is whole in body and has done no crimes. In fact, he has done nothing at all. Which is exactly right. Please try to follow Finn’s example, class.
FINN: Everything’s coming up FINN!
BELLAMY: You are not doing much to help me.
FINN: You’re surprised?
JASPER: For God’s sake Clarke, don’t open the large door to the outside world when it is just the two of us alone in a sealed chamber! You will kill all the helpless Mountain People, who are pallid, sketchy and well-dressed, but who have given me cake!
JASPER: AND PIE.
CLARKE: Okay, anything for one of my baby subjects.
MOUNTAIN MEN: ur under arrest young lady.
BELLAMY & CLARKE, SEPARATELY: *led off in handcuffs*
BELLAMY & CLARKE, SEPARATELY: F the police.
CLARKE’S MOM WRITES ON DROPSHIP: COME HOME CLARKE!
BELLAMY: It’s funny someone wrote on the spaceship what is written on my heart.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Alone in space, drinkin.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Do I hear a baby crying?
SPACE PRESIDENT: … Man, this liquor is the good stuff.
MONTY: It’s so cool President Snowger Games let you out of chokey and sent you a sketchbook, Clarke!
JASPER: Man, sketchbooks and cake and pie. So glad you’ve embraced docile captivity, Clarke. It is the coolest.
CLARKE: Imma take my sketchbook and sketch myself an escape plan.
CLARKE: Imma take my sketchbook and kill a man, maybe.
CLARKE: Murder princess out!
JASPER: Monty, has it ever struck you that Clarke is not a restful person?
CLARKE: Freedom! Seriously, has nobody else read Watership Down?
MILLER: I have!
CLARKE: Miller! Bellamy’s lieutenant! You’re my only hope!
MILLER: I don’t remember it super well. I think there were hamsters in it.
CLARKE: … They were rabbits, Miller.
JASPER: But have u tried the snacks though? Think about the snacks.
JASPER: I would betray u for a hot cup of cocoa.
JASPER: Actually we all would.
CLARKE: Sigh. Enjoy ur completely predictable betrayal by your mysterious underground captors, jackasses.
AUDIENCE: For Christ’s sake wash Bellamy’s face.
THE 100: No, we will keep his face a mask of blood until you love Finn!
AUDIENCE: Sigh. Enjoy ur mask, Bellamy.
BELLAMY: Release me from prison!
FINN: Can’t. Allergic to doing stuff.
BELLAMY: That’s not a thing!
FINN: Sorry, I think I hear Offscreen Plotlessness calling…
BELLAMY: Why am I even in prison and you are not when we are both criminals?
FINN: Well you attacked a murderer and I performed my usual classy move of standing around staring vacantly into space, so…
FINN: Plus you have to have noticed, I am white, so…
CLARKE’S MOM: Raven if u do not have surgery u will never walk again. But if u do u might die. Also we have no anesthetic and cutting into your spine seems traumatic. For me.
FINN: I suggest not doing anything. Please let’s all just do nothing! PLEASE.
RAVEN: Cut me!
MURPHY: Ah, Raven screaming in surgery. That was me.
BELLAMY: Yes, I know. You shot her.
MURPHY: I mean I was tortured by the Grounders. My suffering was enormous. Let me tell you about i-
BELLAMY: Your absorbing interest in ur own pain while a woman you shot screams in agony is v. uninteresting.
BELLAMY: I don’t like u and. I don’t like ur face.
BELLAMY: … also remember when u peed on a guy and then murdered him?
BELLAMY: Also remember when you hanged me?
MURPHY: Bellamy plz stop bringing up all these embarrassing details when I want a redemption arc.
BELLAMY: YOU ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN FINN.
MURPHY: Who is Finn?
CLARKE: Release me from my prison!
JASPER: no ur a loser.
JASPER: ur ruining this for me. There is pie and I could get laid.
JASPER: I hate u.
CLARKE: I saw a man with a bullet wound, that must have come from our people! I am a murder princess, I know what a bullet wound looks like!
JASPER: ur not a murder princess. ur a loser.
BELLAMY: Release me from prison!
SPACE VIZIER: no ur a loser.
BELLAMY: I must find my people I am their king!
SPACE VIZIER: NO UR A LOSER.
SPACE VIZIER: I am sure I will keep these filthy mutants in place because I am an awesome leader. Unlike you.
BELLAMY: I got guns from a storage facility where…
SPACE VIZIER: Went there already and we found MORE guns you didn’t find. Ur the worst leader ever.
BELLAMY: Wow are you telling me adult trained military personnel perform better search parties than two super high children trying to escape an assassin? You shock me, sir. What a burn on me.
BELLAMY: I mean, I hate myself. I blame myself. I failed my people. Plz search for them.
SPACE PRESIDENT: I found a baby in a filing cabinet!
SPACE PRESIDENT: I’m going to ride inside a space torpedo with this baby 2 earth.
SPACE PRESIDENT: THIS PLAN CAN’T FAIL.
SPACE VIZIER: our camp is 100% secure.
SEVERAL SOLDIERS: *get crucified*
CRUCIFIED SOLDIERS: What a burn on you, Space Vizier.
CLARKE: Why do all u ppl who live in a mountain have sockets built into ur chests?
PRESIDENT SNOWMOUNTAIN: Not for any sinister reason, that is 4 SURE.
PRESIDENT SNOWMOUNTAIN: … Is this your idea of pleasant brunch conversation?
CLARKE: OK let’s talk about corpses.
PRESIDENT SNOWMOUNTAIN: You are putting me off my French toast.
CLARKE’S MOM: Plz search for our missing children.
SPACE VIZIER: I totally will, except I totally have my fingers crossed.
CLARKE’S MOM: I can see them.
SPACE VIZIER: I meant to put them behind my back. My bad.
DUDES IN AUTHORITY: keep women and people of colour imprisoned and lie to them.
AUDIENCE: Keen social commentary with babes, the 100, carry on.
JASPER: Clarke if u keep being a busybody u will get kicked out.
MILLER: That seems true.
CLARKE: Minions, I am disappointed in you.
CLARKE: Also, get kicked out? All I do is try to leave and everybody begs me not to open the door! UR NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.
JASPER: There’s a pillow fight in half an hour!
CLARKE: Curse the pillow fights and pink fuzzy jumpers of the oppressor!
SPACE PRESIDENT: omg the space baby was a space hallucination!
WELLS: So am I.
AUDIENCE: WELLS! WELCOME BACK. WE HAVE NO QUESTIONS. NEVER LEAVE.
WELLS: On your feet dad. Be there for your people. The only ones who care about leadership in this show are teens. Even in death, I am cooler than u.
SPACE PRESIDENT: I love my dead socially responsible son!
AUDIENCE: Don’t go Wells! DEPRIVE THE SPACE PRESIDENT OF OXYGEN SOME MORE. BRING BACK WELLS 2K14!
AUDIENCE: Seeing Wells again made it clear what a mistake it was to off him and what potential he had as a charac–
SPACE PRESIDENT: I wake up in a space missile in a desert beside the Brooklyn Bridge.
AUDIENCE: Good for you, space dictator.
CLARKE’S MOM: Raven you are paralysed in one leg from the knee down.
RAVEN: Is that how spinal injuries wor-
CLARKE’S MOM: Sure is!
FINN: Raven, you’re awake and partially paralysed after an excruciating surgery. Allow me to gently neg you.
RAVEN: u charmer. Get outta here and save the rest of the cast.
FINN: Raven no.
FINN: Raven you can’t. You can’t ask me to…
RAVEN: I am!
FINN: … do a thing…
RAVEN: I will!
FINN: Bellamy, I’m bustin you out of jail.
BELLAMY: Finn! This is so unexpected!
FINN: Raven made me.
BELLAMY: Finn! Now I understand!
LINCOLN’S BUDDY: I feed you medicine. Lincoln has been kidnapped, best give up on that guy.
OCTAVIA: I never give up on abs. I kidnap you and force the Grounder Queen to exchange hostages.
GROUNDER QUEEN: Noooo, Lincoln’s Buddy is a super valuable hostage.
OCTAVIA: Uh… thanks for telling me…
LINCOLN: Reunited, and it feels so goo…
LINCOLN: *unexpectedly re-kidnapped, along with his buddy, by band of marauding cannibals*
LINCOLN & HIS BUDDY: It has not been our day.
BELLAMY: I’m takin’ Murphy and will get grounders’ location out of him.
FINN: Bellamy no.
BELLAMY: We gotta get weapons.
FINN: Bellamy stop.
BELLAMY: I am a whirlwind of doing stuff!
FINN: BELLAMY PLEASE.
CLARKE’S MOM: Hi teens, I send you off on a dangerous search and rescue mission! Will be chillin here. Have some guns.
MILLER’S DAD: Also more guns!
FINN: Help meeeee….
BELLAMY: Guns! Sah-weet!
CLARKE: I think they are performing sinister medical experiments in this mountain! How to get put in infirmary?
CLARKE: Silly me, just have to rip apart my deep stitches with a large rusty shard of metal! What a silly billy muffin I am to be sure. Haha, blood everywhere, gristly sound effects, my plans are 100% gold.
CLARKE: Just gotta gouge my own arm.
CLARKE: Just gotta rip off a manhole with bare hands…
CLARKE: Just gotta climb to a metal room where they keep the Grounders in cages and siphon their blood.
CLARKE: I am a whirlwind of doing stuff!
VICTIMS: *hanging upside down being drained of their blood*
MORE VICTIMS, INCLUDING GROUNDER PRINCESS: *in cages awaiting their turn*
CLARKE: … Wow everyone in the mountain is a vampire?!
CLARKE: I was not expecting that!
CLARKE: Do you think the Mountain Men making know about blood types, and that transfusions are not generally done via chest socket?
GROUNDER PRINCESS: Plz just get me out of this damn cage.
CLARKE: We’ll escape together. Just right out this chute and into a—oh my god, a cart full of dead bodies! Holy crap, cannibals! Oh no, we’re being chased by dudes with guns!
PRINCESS, WHO NOW SHE IS CLARKE’S SOLE SCREEN COMPANION SHALL BE KNOWN AS ANYA: Space wuss.
ANYA: All we have to do is hide in this perfectly nice corpse container.
CANNIBALS: I spy our lunchbox!
CLARKE: … It is time to go now.
SPACE VIZIER: So you let Bellamy escape with several guns, which might have come in useful, and Finn, who… is camp property and we’ll find a use for him one day. UNACCEPTABLE.
CLARKE’S MOM: What are you going to do about it?
SPACE VIZIER: Nothing!
BLONDE SOLDIER: *whisper whisper*
SPACE VIZIER: I MEAN, have you flogged with a space whip! In compliance with space law.
CLARKE’S MOM: I thought we just executed everybody who did any crime in space.
SPACE VIZIER: … Do you wanna be executed?
CLARKE’S MOM: I’m going with no.
SPACE VIZIER: Good call.
MURPHY: Walking through the woods tied up is uncomfortable!
FINN: Aw, buddy, I’ll free you.
BELLAMY: Finn, he shot Raven.
FINN: Quit living in the past, Bellamy. Why can’t we all get along? Let’s be bros. Let’s be forest bros!
MURPHY: Can I have a gun, bro?
BELLAMY: Serial killer says what?
BELLAMY: That’s why you can’t have a gun!
FINN: He’s way harsh, isn’t he? I know how it is, bro.
MURPHY: Excuse me, do I know you?
MURPHY: *whispers* I want Bellamy to be my bro.
CLARKE: That way!
ANYA: Can’t hear you over the sound of my solo escape.
MOUNTAIN MEN: There you are, Clarke! We’re disappointed in you, and considering temporarily confiscating your sketchbook and your fuzzy pink jumper.
CLARKE: Die underground vampires, die!
ANYA: I leap to assist you! And then I leap off a waterfall!
CLARKE: I can’t swim…
ANYA: Space wuss.
CLARKE: NOBODY CALLS THE MURDER PRINCESS A SPACE WUSS.
CLARKE’S MOM: *tied to a post, whipped with a sizzling space whip*
SPACE VIZIER: This hurts me more than it hurts you!
CLARKE’S MOM: Bet you one million space dollars?
FINN: That’s Clarke’s watch. It was her father’s before hers and is of immense emotional significance to my lady.
BELLAMY: Murder princesses do not give stuff up without a fight.
FINN: I can’t believe I’m about to say this but…
FINN: DO SOMETHING.
FINN: … Something has broken within me as I say those words.
OCTAVIA: Hello, mutant queen? Can I come with you and rescue my sweetie?
MUTANT QUEEN: You took one of our people hostage last episode! KILL HER.
OCTAVIA: Okay I’ll come along behind!
OCTAVIA: I just thought it would be cool to go together. But it’s whatever.
MONTY: Jasper, where’s Clarke?
JASPER: I dunno, but here is cake!
JASPER: And here is pie!
MONTY: I don’t know. Suddenly I’m feeling… not that hungry.
JASPER: Monty, you’re upsetting me.
BELLAMY: *tackles and captures mutant*
FINN: Let’s take the mutant to Clarke’s and my sex bomb shelter and question him!
BELLAMY: *questions him*
MUTANT: I don’t know where they are, I found this watch on the ground.
AUDIENCE: It’s true!
BELLAMY: It could be true?
FINN: TORCHER HIM.
BELLAMY: That time I tortured my sister’s boyfriend turned out real awkward.
FINN: *PISTOLWHIPS TIED-UP GUY*
BELLAMY: JESUS FINN SETTLE.
FINN: *points a gun at Bellamy*
BELLAMY: *wrestles Finn into submission*
MUTANT: Uh, I guess Clarke and the others went that way.
MURPHY: Better kill him.
MURPHY: *cackles* What? I am a serial killer. Love me.
BELLAMY: No, Murphy.
MURPHY: Is that a no on the killing or on the lov-
BELLAMY: BOTH. I sense that the murder princess would not let her people kill a helpless prisoner, like I sense she specifically did that in the last episode of last season. THEREFORE, we are not executing a tied-up prisoner. Come at me. Try to come through me. Come on. Fight me.
GUN: Bang bang.
FINN: I shot him dead! I luv Clarke. Let’s go find her.
MURPHY: Finn I am stunned!
BELLAMY: FINN YOU ARE GROUNDED.
MUTANTS: use Octavia as bait
OCTAVIA: That’s cool. I just wanted to be part of the gang.
MUTANTS: beat up the cannibals
OCTAVIA: saves the Mutant Queen
MUTANT QUEEN: And now we free the prisoners!
OCTAVIA: But where is the sexiest prisoner of all?
MUTANT QUEEN: I guess they ate him already.
OCTAVIA: Oh Lincoln, Lincoln, why did you have to be so magically delicious?
SPACE VIZIER: One more thing?
CLARKE’S MOM: Are you going to execute me?
SPACE VIZIER: I have to go make peace with the mutants so I’m making you president! Do you have whiplash?
SPACE VIZIER: Oooh, unfortunate turn of words. My B.
CLARKE’S MOM: … Aren’t you glad you undermined my authority as the new president by having me whipped in front of all those people?
SPACE VIZIER: Can’t hear you over the sound of my new mission. Gotta go. Byeeeeeee.
CLARKE: Oh my god, Anya, we’re alive!
ANYA: I express joy by hitting you over the head with a rock and making you my captive.
CLARKE: … That is not our custom in space.
ANYA: Space wuss.
DASTARDLY STRANGERS: Ah captives for our dastardly experimentations!
DASTARDLY STRANGERS: … Bring us the hottie.
LINCOLN: My life would be so much less complicated if I was just a little bit less cute.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Here I am on earth! Very sandy.
DESERT MUTANTS: Hello. Enjoy some bugs.
SPACE PRESIDENT: What a cute radiation-touched face your son has.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Reminds me of my Wells…
AUDIENCE: Quit rubbing it in, Space President!
DESERT MUTANTS: In vengeance, we sell you to more plot-adjacent mutants.
ANYA: Come, my captive, we must evade the Mountain Men! First we cover ourselves with mud! Damn, they’re still tracking us. Time to kill you, I guess.
CLARKE: Not to get all technologically superior on you, but maybe you’re wearing a tracker?
ANYA: Oh yeah.
CLARKE: Let me just cut that-
ANYA: Imma bite it out. No big.
ANYA: Thanks about that tracker tip, girl. Haha, imagine if I’d murdered you for no reason. Boy, would my face be red.
MAYA: You know what I like in a man? An exposed jugular.
JASPER: I am so excited to have met a cool girl like you!
MONTY: Could I have a word…?
JASPER: Monty! Let a playah play.
MONTY: Very concerned about Clarke’s whereabouts.
JASPER: The Mountain Men say she’s crazy and they had to institutionalize her.
JASPER: Story checks out. Clarke killed a BUNCH of people, Monty.
MONTY: Jasper! Clarke killed a bunch of people… for us.
CLARKE: Wait, Anya, did you see—me stabbing you in the neck with a dart coming?
CLARKE: Looks like no.
REDSHIRT: My friend cliff lady is down there on the cliff! I go get her.
FINN: Leave her to die.
BELLAMY: … Imma go get her.
FINN: Consider this: not doing anything. Leaving her to die?
BELLAMY: *rappels using a makeshift seatbelt rope*
MURPHY: don’t worry, Bellamy. I won’t drop you.
MAKESHIFT SEATBELT ROPE: breaks, obviously
MURPHY: *seizes it by his lonesome*
BELLAMY: Wow is this a relief. I totally thought Murphy was being sarcastic.
WITH SOME EFFORT AND ARROWS FLYING, BELLAMY AND CLIFF LADY: are pulled up. Serial Killer saves the day!
CLIFF LADY: THANK YOU FINN. U SAVED ME. THANK YOU.
FINN: I didn’t really do anything.
FINN: But in my experience the ladies are way into that.
FINN: If that’s what gets your motor running…
FINN: Baby, I’m your man.
MURPHY: *long look at Bellamy*
OCTAVIA: Guess who saved you from the mutants shooting arrows.
OCTAVIA: I’ll give you one clue, it starts with ‘Octavia’ and ends with ‘is awesome’!
BELLAMY: OCTAVIA! Hug me, girl!
BELLAMY: I have been hanging out with these losers for days!
OCTAVIA: Hahaha sounds like torture.
BELLAMY: It was real bad. Finn tortured a guy! The redshirts abandoned me one time! And I’m starting to think the serial killer has a crush on me!
OCTAVIA: Hahaha, losers.
OCTAVIA: You shot Raven.
CLIFF LADY: Hey!
OCTAVIA: You fell off a cliff like a loser.
OCTAVIA: You got shot in the leg like a failboat.
OCTAVIA: I don’t even know who you are, man.
FINN: We flirted in the pilot?
OCTAVIA: I’ve done a lot of stuff since the pilot.
FINN: What you’re saying is distasteful to me in the extreme!
BELLAMY: I’m going back to camp to get these ladies medical attention.
FINN: F u and your ‘missions’ of ‘mercy’, I’m gonna find Clarke.
BELLAMY: k. Good luck with that. Hope you do.
MURPHY: I’m gonna go with Finn because I think they might unjustly put me back in jail for being a serial killer.
FINN: Glad to have you, buddy.
MURPHY: Parting is such sweet sorrow.
BELLAMY: … Anyway, take this gun. Bring back my princess and my people. Do a thing. I’m counting on you!
CLARKE: I drag my captive back to camp!
CLARKE: I espy a blurred message written on a spaceship!
CLARKE: ‘Clarke doom comes?’ Is this the script for season three? It’s very blurred but it does seem plausible…
ANYA: I attack you!
AUDIENCE: Whoo, chick fight!
TWO PEOPLE IN FUNCTIONAL CLOTHING: battle viciously to the death
AUDIENCE: … Ladies, this is so violent…
ANYA: tries to choke Clarke
AUDIENCE: Ladies, settle down…
CLARKE: bashes Anya over the head with a skull
AUDIENCE: Sometimes we think terrible physical trauma isn’t sexy at all.
RAVEN: Bummed to be paralyzed in one leg, but determined to be a whirlwind of doing stuff nonetheless! Mission locate all possible space and delinquent personnel is a go!
RAVEN: Also, unlike everyone else who are covered in mud and blood which has mixed to form a strawberry jam-like substances, I am keeping my face meticulously clean.
AUDIENCE: This is Raven Reyes’s face. Finn, Bellamy, Clarke and Murphy do not have Raven Reyes’s face, sadly for them. But they could make an effort.
SPACE BUDDY: Hi, audience, do you remember me from season one where the Space Vizier found me stuck in a door? Raven, do you remember me from our previous apparent friendly rivalry?
RAVEN: Sure, but get lost, I’m busy.
SPACE BUDDY: I could help?
RAVEN: Boy… help?
SPACE BUDDY, ALSO KNOWN AS WICK: I made you a brace for your leg!
RAVEN: Boy… do things?
WICK: I respect your right to try to climb a tower and realize the extent of your own physical limitations on your own!
RAVEN: This idea of boys doing stuff is new to me, I’m a little flustered!
RAVEN: … wait, I’ve just had a brilliant idea to make a balloon beacon to lead Clarke home!
CLARKE: I follow Raven’s beacon home, and let you go, Anya.
ANYA: I take it all back, Clarke! You’re not a space wuss at all.
CLARKE: Let us make peace between our people.
AUDIENCE: Anya no. Anya, don’t offer to help solve a protagonist’s plot problems!
ANYA: … DONE.
ANYA: *is immediately shot dead by Space Soldiers, who drag Clarke away*
SNOWGER GAMES: Welcome to my inner sanctum, Jasper. I hear you have some questions about Clarke.
JASPER: It’s more Monty, really.
SNOWGER GAMES: Sure, but you seem a lot more…
JASPER: Nerdily appealing?
SNOWGER GAMES: … Gullible.
SPACE VIZIER: Just because I’m leading a dangerous mission into hostile territory, can I not have some private time with my plantpot?!
RANDO SOLDIER: Uh, the prisoner’s being recalcitrant.
SPACE VIZIER: Nah, he seems like a cool guy. I think, given the fact we captured him and tied him up for days, my last-minute effort to be friends is going to go great. Right, mutant buddy?
MUTANT BUDDY: *murder eyes*
SPACE VIZIER: This is gonna be awesome.
SPACE SOLDIERS: *drag Clarke into camp*
CLARKE’S MOM: Wait, that’s my daughter!
BLONDE SOLDIER: Well, in fairness, these delinquents are just not washing their faces. Have you seen that Bellamy kid? He has been up to the eyebrows in strawberry jam for days.
CLARKE’S MOM: Step off, who made you the hygiene police?
CLARKE: Mom, I thought you were dead!
CLARKE’S MOM: No honey, just a bunch of other people. Mostly unnamed characters.
CLARKE: Mom, are Finn and Bellamy dead?
CLARKE’S MOM: No, cupcake! They have names.
CLARKE: I break down and cry with relief.
AUDIENCE: Oh Clarke baby I’m sorry your life is an apocalyptic hellscape.
AUDIENCE: We’re glad your loved ones are alive.
AUDIENCE: Even Finn!
SARAH: … Well, let’s not get carried away.
JASPER: So President Snowger Games said I could go find Clarke, but I dunno, I’m not really feeling it.
MONTY: Jasper! Do you remember the WWCD bracelet Bellamy used to wear? Do you remember what those initials stood for?
MONTY: What Would Clarke Do? Words to live by! We must save the murder princess.
JASPER: I have doubts.
MAYA: OMG it’s conveniently timed face-melting o’clock!
JASPER: OMG we must save Maya!
MONTY: Knock knock.
JASPER: Who’s there?
MONTY: Judging u.
MOUNTAIN DOCTOR: Uh, we could try a totally experimental, new and never-used-before procedure whereby we give Maya all Jasper’s blood!
MONTY: But what about blood types?
JASPER: I’m in.
MONTY: But why do you have all the equipment ready for this experimental procedure?
JASPER: Do it. I don’t wanna be single in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
MONTY: I’m not a doctor, but my diagnosis is… BS.
DOCTOR: How’s about you go to the waiting room, Monty?
AUDIENCE: Mount Weather is now known as Monty Weather. Save Monty!
AUDIENCE: A vampire in a velvet smoking jacket has strapped Lincoln to an Ab Table so he can admire his abs! … Proceed, vampire.
AUDIENCE: Oh no, he’s shooting him up as part of a bizarre experiment. It wasn’t the abs at all. Vampire, we feel betrayed.
AUDIENCE: Oh now he’s got Lincoln and another… guy of colour… um, fighting to the death for drugs. That and the experimenting. Whoa.
AUDIENCE: Why so racist, vampire?
DR VAMPIRE: I’m a villain, so…
LINCOLN: Why am I always shirtless and tortured? Is it the abs? Am I absking for it?
CLARKE: *wakes up* Up and at ’em! Time to find my friends and my people! Man, I can’t believe I slept for ten hours after jumping off a waterfall and fighting to the death and getting knocked around by the military! What a lazybones, haha, am I right?
CLARKE’S MOM: Honey, slow down—
CLARKE’S MOM: Honey, stop—
CLARKE: No offence Mom, but have you met me?
RAVEN: Clarke! I was waiting outside all night.
CLARKE: *hugs* Because we’re a true sromance.
RAVEN: Sros 4 lyfe.
CLARKE: Sympathies on your leg.
RAVEN: Dealing with it awesomely. Am awesome.
CLARKE: Most beautiful and brilliant lady in the apocalyptic wasteland says what?
SOLDIERS: seize Bellamy’s weapon because he is a delinquent
SOLDIERS: leave Octavia armed to the teeth because she is a lady
RAVEN: Cool, and Octavia and Monroe!
RAVEN: … I see you need a moment.
CLARKE: *nods* Bellamy.
RAVEN: Go on, you.
SPACE PEEPS: Whoa that lady is GOING like a freight train of love set on a collision course! Who will she collide with?
CLARKE: Choo choo!
SPACE PEEPS: Now she is LEAPING like a lioness on an antelope! Who is that shocked but delighted antelope?
BELLAMY: … it me?
BELLAMY: M-m-m-murder princess?
BELLAMY: I have never been hugged by murder royalty before!
BELLAMY: This is such an honour. I’m not sure where to put my hands! Is it cool if I embrace you?
BELLAMY: I’m going to take that as a yes.
BELLAMY: I have no words.
BELLAMY: Except that, in the words of one of our ancient and most revered prophets, oh sinking ships/you came back just in time/this love is good/this love is bad/this love is alive/back from the dead/murder princess murdered free/this love came back to me…
OCTAVIA: What up, nerd, people are staring. And pointing. And holding up scorecards.
BELLAMY: Octavia PLEASE let me have this. Besides, I am laughing into a murder princess’s hair, so joke’s on YOU.
CLARKE: Octavia, hurrah! Hugs for you also!
OCTAVIA: Haha, you’re not hugging me like you hugged BELLAMY. Of course, if you did I would topple backwards and we’d be rolling in the dirt.
BELLAMY (muttering): Curse my stalwart physique…
BELLAMY: Princess, did you murder our people free?
CLARKE: No, we have to get on that. Wait, it’s just occurred to me something’s missing…?
BELLAMY: … well…
BELLAMY: … if you wanted, we could kiss a little…?
CLARKE: I meant Finn.
BELLAMY: I don’t know how to say this any more strongly. WHO’S FINN?
BELLAMY: Oh right. No, I remember. Oh wow, I sent him off into the woods with a serial killer. And I gave the serial killer a gun!
BELLAMY: … Sometimes I still have bad ideas.
CLARKE: Okay enough hugging, time to rescue Finn from a) mutants b) Murphy c) himself!
CLARKE’S MOM: Can I see you alone for a minute, Clarke?
RAVEN & OCTAVIA: *leave*
CLARKE’S MOM: *coughs* Bellamy?
CLARKE’S MOM: Leave, Bellamy.
BELLAMY: … I can’t. We’re married.
CLARKE’S MOM: WHAT?
CLARKE: We’re not married, Mom. But he does have to be with me at all times because we have a close bond of co-leadership forged in blood. It’s platonic. It’s normal.
CLARKE’S MOM: Yeah, congratulations on being normal, kids.
CLARKE’S MOM: Well here’s the thing, how about we don’t rescue Finn and Murphy?
CLARKE’S MOM: I can’t say I find them to be compelling characters.
CLARKE: Mom we can’t just abandon our subjects because they’re not compelling characters!
BELLAMY: ’Sright. Also you did send a team of armed delinquent children to find other children the other day.
CLARKE’S MOM: Yes, I sent some gross janitor guy and a bunch of other dirty faces off to find MY child, I’m not going to send my precious baby after randoms!
BELLAMY: Babe, I am 100% committed to our marriage…
CLARKE: We’re not married.
BELLAMY: … But I gotta tell you, I don’t like my mother-in-law.
CLARKE’S MOM: I gotta go. Clarke, sweetheart, I’m sorry to say I have to leave you alone in a tent with this muscular bad boy, and I guess you’re going to do… whatever unfortunate things you’re going to do.
BELLAMY: That was uncanny.
BELLAMY: How did she know that as soon as she left, we were going to plot to break out and steal weapons?
BELLAMY: So weird.
CLARKE: Uh… sure. That’s totally… what she meant. Let’s get going.
BELLAMY: Wait. Those three words. I have to hear them from you.
CLARKE: … We need guns?
BELLAMY: I’ve missed us.
RAVEN: Plot Accomplishers, assemble! Here are your weapons.
OCTAVIA: I get weapons and you can’t stop me, Bellamy.
BELLAMY: Wasn’t gonna.
OCTAVIA: Glad our relationship has become more mature, respectful and accepting of me gettin’ some play and doin’ some murders, bro!
BELLAMY: Izzy wizzy wuzzums. Who’s a little murder princess in training? Is it you? It is!
RAVEN: This boy Wick is de-electrifying the electric fences because I asked him to.
CLARKE: Oooooh girl.
RAVEN: I know right, boys doing stuff, still getting used to it!
FINN: Let’s get those mutants and make them talk! They’re hiding our friends in this place.
MURPHY: How do I describe this place? Little town./It’s a quiet village./Every day./Like the one before… By which I mean, they are not hiding hostages in the sugar bowl!
FINN: They COULD be.
FINN: You don’t KNOW.
MURPHY: You’re real new to doing stuff, huh?
SPACE VIZIER: You guys all go away, so that I can go on alone with my mutant buddy, and free his hands, and I can singlehandedly make peace and have a picnic with the mutants!
SPACE VIZIER: Mutant picnic! I CANNOT WAIT.
MUTANT BUDDY: *knocks him out*
MUTANT BUDDY: *throws him in a pit*
SPACE VIZIER: … this is not buddies.
CLARKE’S MOM: Did you let Clarke go off to do plot?
CLARKE’S MOM: *slaps Raven*
AUDIENCE: Not wanting to find Murphy and Finn is understandable.
AUDIENCE: BUT FOR SOME CRIMES THE ONLY PUNISHMENT IS DEATH.
CLARKE’S MOM: She’s my little girl.
RAVEN: Well, this is just a guess. But maybe, when you handed her father in to die…
RAVEN: And got her imprisoned and sent down to a hostile planet…
RAVEN: Where she fought and killed to survive…
RAVEN: And became murderous queen of a band of feral children…
RAVEN: I’m just saying, these life experiences might have changed her.
RAVEN: Maybe. Just a thought. Raven out!
BELLAMY: *gazes lovingly at his sister sleeping by firelight*
BELLAMY: *gazes lovingly at his murder princess sleeping by firelight*
BELLAMY: If I eventually tear my eyes away from you for .01 seconds then resume my loving staring, that’s normal, right?
CLARKE: Congratulations on being so normal, Bellamy.
BELLAMY: Remember when you left me to die?
CLARKE: I’m sorr-
BELLAMY: *tender look* I have never loved you more.
BELLAMY: I’m the one who’s sorry! You left a perfectly good Finn in my care, and I TRIED to take care of him, and I learned his name and everything, but—he has gone all wrong. He’s doing things.
CLARKE: That doesn’t sound like Finn!
BELLAMY: Things like murder. The bad kind. I’m pretty sure.
BELLAMY: I don’t know, maybe I’m a bad leader. Maybe I should have washed his face more.
CLARKE: We all make bad hygiene decisions in the apocalypse, Bellamy.
BELLAMY: What I’m trying to say is, girl, I respect your leadership decisions and believe wholeheartedly that you are a truly good person, despite your doubts in yourself in dark and desperate times.
CLARKE: Bellamy, I feel the same way about you.
BELLAMY: You do?
CLARKE: I do!
BELLAMY: MARRIED. No takesie backsies.
OCTAVIA: I can’t sleep any more because you guys keep doing your gross leadership talk when I am right here.
BELLAMY: OCTAVIA PLEASE. I want the murder princess to think I am COOL.
OCTAVIA: Let’s go find Whatshisface.
FINN: Tell us where my girlfriend is, hapless hostages!
MURPHY: Hostages, I am sorry. You’re embarrassed, hostages. I’m embarrassed. Finn’s being embarrassing. He’s like that drunk persistent guy you bring to a party, except he has a machine gun.
FINN: Tell me or I kill you all!
MURPHY: I swear, I barely know him. It’s just he’s my ride home, you know? Gah.
MUTANT BUDDY: Haha, untying me? We make friends via battle to the death! Did you not see Anya and Clarke’s badass fight? Clarke bonked Anya with a skull, it was hardcore.
SPACE VIZIER: Owwww.
SPACE PREZ: Vizier?!
SPACE VIZIER: Your Spacejesty!
SPACE PREZ: Oh no, if you’re here, who’s making the bad decisions for our people now?!
SPACE VIZIER: And what’s going to happen to us?
MUTANT BUDDY: Welcome to Mutant Thunderdome.
HOSTAGES: We’re outtie.
MURPHY: I understand. Call me later.
FINN: *starts shooting everyone*
MURPHY: Finn, you are shaming me!
CLARKE: That is the sound of bad decision-making. Run!
FINN: Who’s the murder princess now, huh? Who’s the murder princess now?
FINN: Everyone kept saying ‘why doesn’t Finn ever do a thing?’ Well, I told you I should never do anything! I told you and told you!
FINN: Oh hey, babe.
I think we can all agree that a really important thing was accomplished in episode 5: Everyone washed their faces.