Here is a parody of the rest of season one of the 100, my doves! I hope you enjoy it. I swear practically all of it is true. 😉 Here is a link to episodes 1-5
We resume our story in space, where they worship plant pots, and on earth, where a band of misfit teenagers are ruled by a handsome janitor and a murder princess…
BELLAMY & OCTAVIA’S MOM: I give birth in dire grim lonely bloodiness as second children are forbidden in space, pass out and leave 5 year old Bellamy alone clutching his baby sister. Remember she is your sole responsibility Bellamy!
BELLAMY: I sense I am going to grow up to have real problems.
BELLAMY & OCTAVIA’S MOM: I spend 15 years prostituting myself to make sure the guards warn me when they are doing an inspection so we can hide Octavia in the floor. Our whole life is hiding Octavia.
OCTAVIA: I dun like it in the floor! I wanna leave our single-room home and meet other people! I hate you guys.
BELLAMY: Luv u. Don’t be sad. Look, I sneak you out to a masquerade ball in space.
OCTAVIA: I dance and flirt with 2 boys at once, amazingly socially adept for someone who grew up in the floor.
BELLAMY: Aw. I live only for your happiness.
GUARDS: Random spaceship inspection! Octavia is caught!
BELLAMY: I will prostitute myself to save Octavia. I will do anything. I will get all kinds of nasty and freaky!
EVIL GUARD: Um… Not interested?
SPACE PRESIDENT: kills their mom.
SPACE PRESIDENT: imprisons Octavia.
BELLAMY: made to be a space janitor, living in his grim Flowers-in-the-Space-Attic alone with his guilt and misery.
EVIL GUARD: Octavia’s being sent down to earth which may be radioactive and instantly kill everyone.
BELLAMY: I wanna go with her!
EVIL GUARD: You can if you shoot the space president.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Who could have predicted he would react badly to his life!
CURRENTLY ON EARTH
OCTAVIA: I have wandered off, fallen down a hill and knocked myself out, and awoken in a cave, the prisoner of a mutant dude. He is totes silent and savage seeming at all times. So. That is a thing that is happening. I sure am winning at the apocalypse.
RAVEN: Imma cut ur hair, Finn.
AUDIENCE: THIS LADY IS A HERO OF THE REVOLUTION.
BELLAMY: Octavia is missing! I will find her or die trying! I need someone to help me… someone with ideas… but I can rely on no-one… except maybe… my murder princess?
CLARKE: Ten four, on it, assemble the troops!
BELLAMY: Thank you murder princess.
CLARKE: Very mad at you for getting those 300 people killed.
BELLAMY: … Very fair.
BELLAMY: I need a master tracker! I think we have one! Is his name Jinn?
FINN: I’ll come but only because this girlfriend situation is awks as hell.
AUDIENCE: At no time on the quest does Finn do any tracking. Bellamy leads the way 100% of the time.
FINN: Tracking is doing stuff, people.
TROOPS: Why is Finn not doing any tracking?
BELLAMY: Which one of you is Finn, again?
BELLAMY: Team save my sister!
CLARKE: Team me and Raven rebuild radio to contact spaceship, tell them earth is safe to live on, save world.
CLARKE: Bitches get stuff done.
RAVEN: I see we both own metal origami animals so… did you do my boyfriend? He has a move. A metal origami move. It’s a weird move but as we can see, it works.
CLARKE: I certainly didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, due to him not telling me like a weasel in order to get laid.
RAVEN: I instantly cease blaming you as I am classy.
CLARKE: I guess… he could not know when you two would be reunited, so…
RAVEN: Since I have loved him all my life and believed we would do absolutely anything for each other and I visited him every day in jail and then risked an agonising death of organ failure and fiery inferno on the chance of being with him again… he could have waited 10 days before getting down with another girl.
CLARKE: Terrible silence of agreeing that yes indeed.
AUDIENCE: Terrible silence of contemplating Finn’s character.
OCTAVIA: After many attempts to escape mutant kidnapper, I end up chained in his cave. Who knows what will be my fate? One really would not blame me for expecting sexual assault.
BELLAMY: Our group arrives to rescue you!
MUTANT KIDNAPPER: *stabs Finn*
AUDIENCE: YOU’RE OUR HERO, MUTANT KIDNAPPER.
BELLAMY: *carries Finn home princess style*
BELLAMY: Quickly, murder princess!
BELLAMY: … do you know who this guy is?
RAVEN & CLARKE: Time to join forces to save our terrible boyfriend. Suspense!
OCTAVIA: Ugh you’re the worst and I hate you, Bellamy. All you do is shoot presidents for me and make yourself leader of crazed gangs in order to protect me and stow away to possibly lethal radioactive planets to be with me and now launch rescue missions with several fatalities in order to save me from a situation I got into by wandering off and falling over my own feet. I was fine. That guy who had me chained up in a cave seemed TOTALLY nice.
OCTAVIA: I hate u.
BELLAMY: Luv… NO, OKAY, FINE. HATE U ALSO.
BELLAMY: … I go contemplate the nightmare that is my life. Aside from that threesome, that was OK.
SPACE VIZIER: Wow we killed 300 people but it turned out earth is habitable.
SPACE VIZIER: In a strange turn, I feel SUPER GUILTY.
SPACE PREZ: Don’t feel bad. We only have enough spaceships to get half of the 2000 people on our spaceship to earth. We would definitely have killed those people anyway. We will kill more. Death death death.
SPACE PREZ: I am a noble leader.
VERONICA VAN EVIL: I randomly show up and want to help on the space council.
SPACE PREZ: I welcome u, Veronica Van Evil!
CLARKE: We have established radio contact with you space president!
SPACE PREZ: Is my son safe?
CLARKE: No… he’s super dead… but come on, space president, you had to know that was on the cards…
SPACE PREZ: 🙁 my grief might be more sympathetic if I did less ‘culling’ of my ‘population’ 🙁
CLARKE: Could we get some medical advice? It is an emergency. Our white male lead has been stabbed!
THE 100: And now, a scene in which a black gentleman is chained up and hit and electrocuted in the nips. Yikes. I mean, moral ambiguity, okay, but yikes.
BELLAMY: He stabbed one of my people and up with such things I will not put, even if it was… whatshisface.
BELLAMY: Cool, whatever.
OCTAVIA: Do not do this! When he kidnapped me and chained me up in his dark cave and I was terrified and screaming, I thought he had kind eyes and good intentions and six-pack abs!
CLARKE: You stabbed my beloved Finn with an ornate poisoned blade, please tell us what the antidote is.
RAVEN: No you stabbed MY beloved Finn with an ornate poisoned blade, please tell us what the antidote is. *waves electrocutions*
BELLAMY: TELL US WHAT THE ANTIDOTE IS. INCIDENTALLY I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH WHATSHISFACE.
BELLAMY: Murder princess, you do not have to watch the torture if it would… emotionally… huRT you or something?
RAVEN: *waves electrocutions* I love Finn so much!
CLARKE: I do anything for Finn!
LINCOLN THE MUTANT: I’ll never tell! I am an impregnable fortress of secrets.
OCTAVIA: What if I were poisoned? Would you tell me what the antidote was?
LINCOLN: Obviously! You are super hot.
OCTAVIA: Solve problems through hotness, not torture. Jackasses.
FINN: *spends most of the episode unconscious and foaming*
AUDIENCE: Aw, he’s doing a thing!
AUDIENCE: Wait, does Finn have chest hair? I thought that was illegal on the CW.
CLARKE: I heal u Finn.
RAVEN: Speak to us Finn.
BELLAMY: I protect all my subjects.
BELLAMY: But just quickly remind me of this one’s name.
LINCOLN: Sexy mama lemme whisper in your ear… I can speak English. I didn’t use any English to tell you how to save your poisoned comrade or anything.
OCTAVIA: That’s very romantic.
LINCOLN: We are in love.
OCTAVIA: Let us run away and have sex in the cave where you had me chained up as I screamed in terror. MEMORIES!
LINCOLN: Oh no the dude I stabbed intercepts my escape. Surely he will sound the alarm, attack me, or at least have questions.
FINN: Oh no, dude, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I don’t really… do stuff.
CLARKE: Space President, we have now made a technological leap from paper cups on a string to space, to fuzzy radio, to a full-on skype chat sesh! People would like to talk to their moms now.
SPACE PREZ: Would you like to talk to your mom?
CLARKE: No, because you and my mom killed my dad Space John Green and I am mad.
SPACE PREZ: That’s hurtful, Clarke.
CLARKE: Everybody loves John Green! Everybody misses his vlogs!
HIRED ASSASSIN RANDO: … Mom?
EVIL GUARD: I hire you to assassinate Bellamy.
HIRED ASSASSIN: OK, mom. P.S. you look really different.
CLARKE: Bellamy, come with me to a secret store of supplies the space president only just mentioned because it would in no way have been useful before.
BELLAMY: Anything you want, murder princess. Why me tho?
CLARKE: Just curious to see what the group will do without their leaders, to be honest. My bet is paint their faces with dirt.
BELLAMY: I’m bringing a lot of food with me. But not because I’m going on the run since the space prez is coming to kill me.
CLARKE: I am sure he won’t kill you.
BELLAMY: He executes people for stealing gum and I tried to assassinate him.
CLARKE: … that’s a good point.
BELLAMY: Octavia, I’m sorry I rescued you from a dark cave where you were chained up at risk of my own life.
OCTAVIA: h8 you 5eva.
BELLAMY: Love u but sometimes wonder what it would be like if someone was nice to me.
FINN: Raven, I cheated on you. I know that you know this, or else I would not tell you.
RAVEN: Do me.
FINN: I still want to cheat on you.
RAVEN: Do me on it.
FINN: I’m going to try and cheat on you again.
RAVEN: Do the slow bone.
FINN: I’m not sure why this is going so well for me.
THEIR LEADERS GONE, OUR MERRY BAND: *accidentally all get high on berry drugs*
MONTY: I can’t control the moon.
CONNOR: I am the most beautiful broom in a closet.
FINN & RAVEN: Guys, we are naked.
CLARKE: Supplies! Yay blankets!
BELLAMY: Dumb blankets. Dumb… huge bucket of guns…
BELLAMY: Murder princess, it’s MURDER CHRISTMAS!
BELLAMY: I think we should bring these machine guns back to our camp of delinquent teenagers!
CLARKE: … oh no…
BELLAMY: we need to protect ourselves from mutants though?
CLARKE: True. OK but we’ll need safeguards and precautions!
BELLAMY: I don’t know what those things are? Are they berries? You should have all the berries you want, murder princess.
CLARKE: Good enough! Teach me how to use a machine gun.
BELLAMY: … the way you handle a loaded weapon gets me OVERwhelMED.
CLARKE: Sorry, what?
BELLAMY: I am super high and I hallucinate the space president and those 300 dead people who as it turns out don’t matter narratively at all.
BELLAMY: Oh God I am a monster, a monster, kill me, I am a terrible monster, I deserve only death!
HIRED ASSASSIN: … wow, I did not expect assassination to be THIS easy, but OK?
CLARKE: Try it and I machine gun you in the face!
BELLAMY: … murder princess?
HIRED ASSASSIN: I did not expect tiny blondes with large machine guns either.
BELLAMY: I tackle you!
CLARKE: I machine-gun-whip you!
BELLAMY: I cut your throat in a grisly struggle! … this is kind of our THING.
CLARKE: I can’t believe we killed a dude together AGAIN.
BELLAMY: I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
CLARKE: I know you are a murder-obsessed lunatic, but please do not leave us. I am 100% certain that the whole group would just sit around eating crayons til we all died. I need you.
BELLAMY: I will never leave you murder princess. Do you wanna talk about your issues with your mother? I am here to emotionally support you and murder people, and I am temporarily out of murder victims.
CLARKE: Oh God we are cuddled up against a tree hallucinating while covered in blood and dirt and there is a corpse at our feet, this is a living nightmare.
BELLAMY: This is the no. 1 most romantic moment of my life.
CLARKE: Space Prez, I am going to straight-up blackmail you into letting Bellamy live.
SPACE PREZ: Done!
BELLAMY: On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a murder and a blackmail…
FINN: Man, I wish Bellamy, who princess carried me through the woods and tried his best to get an antidote to my poison, was getting executed.
CLARKE: What are you talking about? Who doesn’t like Bellamy?
FINN: But we’re co-presidents of the I Hate Bellamy Club…?
CLARKE: No, I was the secretary, and anyway I burned all the minutes of our meetings.
FINN: Did you burn the minutes of the ‘Princess Was My Nickname & He Stole It’ meeting?
CLARKE: It sounds different when he says it. Murderier, for one thing.
FINN: Did you burn the minutes of the ‘Nobody Asked Him To Take Off His Shirt Anyway?’ meeting?
CLARKE: I burned them all! I trust him, shirt or no shirt!
FINN: BELLAMY? Why would you trust BELLAMY?
CLARKE: I know right, after that bastard slept with me when he had a girlfriend I didn’t know about? Oh wait that was you. Bellamy doesn’t have a girlfriend and I have never slept with him.
CLARKE: … I just said all that out loud and my life choices made me sad.
FINN: But aside from that what has Bellamy ever done for you.
CLARKE: Saved my life, saved your life, made me his queen…
FINN: But what has he ever done for you LATELY. Like within the last five minutes.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Now we have murdalised 300 people and plan to murdalise 1000 more, time for a pageant!
AN UNDERSTANDABLE ATTEMPT MADE ON HIS LIFE: *bomb explodes*
VIZIER’S MOM, THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF PLANT POT: alas I die. sing to me a holy hymn of plant pot.
SPACE PREZ: Who did this terrible thing?
VERONICA VAN EVIL: Who can say?
VERONICA VAN EVIL: The space president is gonna leave 1000 of you worker class types to die in space.
SPACE PREZ: Veronica Van Evil, I told you that in confidence!
VERONICA VAN EVIL: I stage a coup, steal one of our few spaceships and jet down to earth with a bunch of space weirdos!
SPACE PREZ: Curse your sudden and totally predictable betrayal, Veronica Van Evil.
LINCOLN AND OCTAVIA: Lincoln and Octavia’s Cave of Boning Down, Please Keep Out!
FINN: Hi guys.
FINN: I wanna be friends.
FINN: Do you wanna play checkers?
CLARKE: Aw it is a party! I wish I was not so sad and lonely.
BELLAMY: Get drunk and party, murder princess!
CLARKE: I see… so I’m going to have a drink, and then…
BELLAMY: Then have another.
CLARKE: And then…?
CLARKE: Am I going to have a little dance?
CLARKE: Make a little love?
CLARKE: Not to put too fine a point on it, get down tonight?
BELLAMY: Do whatever you want, sweet murder princess!
BELLAMY: I personally will be guarding the perimeter with a large machine gun, so don’t worry about a thing. Gosh I hope I get to do a murder soon.
CLARKE: Imma try to have fun!
FINN: I swoop in to prevent that business!
CLARKE: I don’t know why I love you but… I guess I do… maybe, assface.
FINN: No, listen. Someone finally noticed I had nothing to do on this show, so now I indicate great respect for human life though previously I caused people’s deaths and voted for letting others die! We must make peace with the mutants. Please come to a peace talks with the mutants. Bring no weapons. I am sure they are trustworthy.
CLARKE: So you’re not so much doing a thing, as asking me to do a thing?
FINN: Baby steps.
CLARKE: I am swayed by your words, or maybe your new haircut.
FINN: Whatever you do, do not tell Bellamy.
CLARKE: Oh, sure thing.
CLARKE: BELLAMY! Finn asked me to go meet with the mutants and not bring weapons.
BELLAMY: I’m not sure who the insolent peasant you refer to is, but let us instantly murder him for having stupid ideas.
CLARKE: What if you were to follow us secretly and bring many guns to guard me and we didn’t tell Finn about this?
BELLAMY: … I like to have a secret about weapons with you.
CLARKE: Uh you said the mutants wouldn’t bring weapons but they are covered in weapons???
LINCOLN: That’s true. Oh well it will be gr8, Clarke.
FINN: Definitely approach them by yourself and unarmed, Clarke. Have a chat. This will go awesome. I feel it.
JASPER: I am drunk and I have a machine gun! This will end well.
RAVEN: I think my boyfriend is up on the bridge with a ho, and I have a machine gun! This will end well.
BELLAMY: Guys I have waited my whole life to have a murder princess ask me to come armed to a secret location, DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME.
JASPER: The other side also brought snipers in the trees and I think one of them is going to shoot Octavia! *fires*
SNIPERS: *also fire*
MUTANT PRINCESS: *tries to gut Clarke with the large knife up her sleeve*
BELLAMY: Hey lady I don’t have a spare murder princess! *fires*
OCTAVIA: I know I have indirectly caused the deaths of many people who were only trying to protect me, but I am VERY MAD AT YOU GUYS!
FINN: Clarke, I know I put you in a situation where you were unarmed, surrounded by people with bows and arrows, and then almost gutted with a large knife, and I have to say… you really hurt my feelings back there.
FINN: Why did you not TRUST me?
CLARKE: Huh… I wonder… it’s as if we had the sex and you had a girlfriend you didn’t tell me about!
BELLAMY: Look, murder princess, a spaceship! I hope it will please you.
CLARKE: I wonder how the space weirdos will change the dynamic of our television sh…
SPACE WEIRDOS: *explode in fiery inferno*
CLARKE: This narrative structure is very surprising.
CLARKE: Wow the space weirdos blew up. There are limbs everywhere.
BELLAMY: People, you must not touch explodey stuff.
RAVEN: I could turn this explodey stuff into weapons for us.
FINN: I am in this scene!
OCTAVIA: I wanna prance outside into the murderer-filled radioactive rainforest to be with my boyfriend!
OCTAVIA: Crapweasels, I have discovered Murphy, the exile from our camp!
MURPHY: I am infected with the plague.
CLARKE: … Jesus I am bleeding out the eyes!
BELLAMY: Murder princess, did he DARE LAY HANDS upon you?
CLARKE: No, it is plague. I set up a quarantine! I tend the infected!
CLARKE: You stay here with me young Octavia no more sneaking out of camp!
BELLAMY: OK thanks murder princess. Bye.
CLARKE: Just kidding Octavia. Instantly sneak out of camp and get info by throwing your cat at your mutant boyfriend.
OCTAVIA: GIRL. ON IT.
LINCOLN: Let’s run away together, my honeybunch of 1 day.
OCTAVIA: That seems like an amazing plan.
LINCOLN: There is no antidote to the plague but I think you’re holding it off by being super hot.
OCTAVIA: Kiss me, you mad fool.
MONTY: I think Octavia likes that mutant dude.
JASPER: I hate you! I’m cool now. I shoot things. MOVE OUTTA MY TENT.
MONTY: That escalated quickly. I can’t move out of the tent right now, dude. I’m not wearing pants.
JASPER: Then I will exit my own tent in a huff!
BELLAMY: What’s up, murder princess?
CLARKE: We’re all bleeding from the eyes and mouth in here. But stiff (bloody) upper lip.
BELLAMY: Proud of you murder princess! How’s my baby sister?
CLARKE: I sent her out into the mutant-infested radioactive jungle!
BELLAMY: … if it wasn’t you, murder princess, I would shoot you in the face.
EXTRAS: We also have plague!
MOB: We riot over plague!
CLARKE: I fire a gun into the air and demand order!
RANDO THUG: I WILL SHOOT CLARKE IN THE FACE!
BELLAMY: You dare threaten the murder princess! I will punch you in the face with your own gun! That’ll learn you.
BELLAMY: Still mad though!
CLARKE: I faint!
FINN: I catch you!
BELLAMY: I didn’t know you were in this scene, Quinn.
OCTAVIA: I have some news! The bad news is: there is no antidote to the plague. You live or you die, within the day!
EXTRAS: What’s the good news?
OCTAVIA: I didn’t say anything about good news. The other bad news is the mutants are attacking.
CLARKE: You want to talk more about peace?
FINN: I don’t do stuff and that includes consistent characterisation. How about we build a bomb!
FINN: … magic? I don’t… I didn’t intend to suggest *I* would be *doing* anything!
RAVEN: I will build you a bomb, Finn.
FINN: I am so ungrateful for my girlfriend, super hot 16 year old lady Iron Man.
BELLAMY: Who sets the bomb, a dangerous task? I will shoot it.
BOMBS: Is that how we work?
EVERYONE: Shut up bombs.
FINN: … well…
FINN: … hmmm…
FINN: … Whoa do they really expect me to do something? I’ve made my position on this so clear!
RAVEN: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
FINN: OK OKI guess I will do it.
EVERYONE: falls over with plague.
BELLAMY: It is all on u Jasper. U must shoot the bomb to make it explode.
JASPER: Well let’s talk about this…
BELLAMY: *bleeds out the eyes and mouth*
JASPER: Or not. No. No, that seems good.
OCTAVIA: Aw, Bellamy. You are bleeding out the eyes and mouth. I soften slightly.
BELLAMY: I love you so much. I am so terrified of dying. Stay with me.
OCTAVIA: Just kidding I’m going to see my boyfriend.
MUTANTS: We come over this bridge to kill plague-stricken children, beating our war drums!
MUTANTS: Why do we have war drums? Like what gave us that idea? Like why?
MUTANTS: Sure hope nobody blows up the bridge with a bomb!
BELLAMY: Let’s get everyone inside and hide from the mutants.
CLARKE: You don’t think Finn and Jasper can pull off our daring bomb scheme?
BELLAMY: hahaha. You are so funny murder princess.
CLARKE: hahaha. They’re useless. We are all gonna die.
JASPER: I definitely can’t shoot this bomb!
MONTY: I brought u a spare gun! U got this buddy!
JASPER: Oh buddy. I love u. U invented alcohol, and now provide emotional support. You’re the best friend any teenage boy could have.
RAVEN: I’m going to go do plot for my boyfriend because I know he hates to do stuff.
RAVEN: Set a bomb, shoot it, while bleeding from mouth and eyes and hallucinating… anything for Finn!
FINN: I, um, I’ll come, and, um…
RAVEN: You can help me get away from the awesome destruction I have created.
FINN: OK that doesn’t seem too taxing. Lean on me while we hobble back to camp.
RAVEN: Lean on you? Lean on you? Bellamy PRINCESS CARRIED you through the woods at night and he doesn’t even know your name!
FINN: Raven we have spoken about this and you have to understand my position if our relationship is to last! I WILL! NOT! DO STUFF!
CLARKE AND BELLAMY: Finn and Jasper succeeded? That doesn’t make any sense at all…
RAVEN AND MONTY: We saved the day!
CLARKE AND BELLAMY: Ahhhh, right, gotcha, it’s clear now, no further questions.
RAVEN: I have considered matters such as you actually occasionally doing stuff for Clarke, and your cheating on me, and my own awesomeness and deserving of better.
RAVEN: Welcome to Dumpsville, population you.
FINN: I do seem to kind of want to be with Clarke, who I have known 10 days. I am glad I did not have to break up with you or anything however. I hate… to do stuff.
LINCOLN: Now, to run away together on the basis of some boning and two conversations.
OCTAVIA: It seems too horrific an act to leave everyone I have ever known, especially when my loving brother is potentially dying. No. Alas. Take your artfully crafted leather sketchbook and go.
LINCOLN: I know right? Who even makes these?
BELLAMY: Are you doing okay, beloved murder princess?
CLARKE: I am. I think we should spare Murphy.
BELLAMY: I think we should kill him in the face!!!
CLARKE: How surprising. But consider this: You know how sometimes you think guys are horrible psychopath assholes and then you get to like them…?
BELLAMY: I don’t… Oh. Oh I see.
BELLAMY: Well. I guess Murphy can live.
MURPHY: Hahahahahaha! I secretly kill Connor.
CONNOR: I curse your sudden yet, um, predictably racist betrayal.
SPACESHIP: Oh no oh God more scenes in the spaceship.
SPACE VIZIER: I wake up from Veronica Van Evil’s attack and the whole ship has turned into the set of Alien…?
SPACE VIZIER: Like green lights and darkness and… it is wild?
SPACE BUDDY: Hello? My arm is trapped in a door?
SPACE VIZIER: I free you, new buddy.
SPACE BUDDY: I hear that the south wing of the spaceship is damaged and people are dead.
SPACE VIZIER: … How did you hear that in a deserted space corridor… with your arm trapped in a door?
SPACE BUDDY: I checked space twitter.
SPACE VIZIER: We’d better break into the control room that, you know, controls the whole spaceship, and save vital personnel?
SPACE PRESIDENT: Don’t save us! Go to the mess hall! Protect the rice pudding at all costs!
SPACE VIZIER: I think that’s the lack of oxygen talking, Mr President.
DOWN ON EARTH
MONTY: Hi Raven please don’t destroy the space radio that may connect me to my parents.
RAVEN: UR PARENTS ARE DEAD I BET AND FINN AND CLARKE ARE BONING IN THE WOODS I ALSO BET!
RAVEN: I’m so sad. I might go live in the woods.
BELLAMY: Girl don’t. I want you to stay and build bombs… and walkie talkies… and lasers… and death rays… and tanks… and robot sharks that live on land who will destroy our enemies… I mean, the point is, I believe in you. I think you too could be a murder princess!
FINN: Girl have I got some sexy news for you: I got dumped. So, baby, it’s you and me on this hunting trip…
EXTRA: Yep, it’s the three of us!
EXTRA: So fun that we get to hang out guys!
EXTRA: I haven’t really spent that much time onscreen with you am I right?
EXTRA: This is gonna be a blast!
EXTRA: Man I hope we don’t have to eat mutant panther again it is so gnarly am I right?
EXTRA: But I love yummy mutant boar it’s my fave!
EXTRA: *is shot full of arrows as Finn and Clarke are kidnapped by mutants*
EXTRA: I dreamed that screentime would be… so different from this hell I’m living…
RAVEN: I have decided to stay and live with you guys!
BELLAMY: Great news!
RAVEN: And to have crazy vengeance sex with you!
BELLAMY: Let me tell you, that is a terrible idea, and I know that because I am a terrible idea expert of some renown.
RAVEN: *takes off her top*
BELLAMY: You make a very compelling argument.
RAVEN: Do me on it.
BELLAMY: Okay but you’re going to feel really awful after the fleeting and cheap physical satisfaction!
BELLAMY: … I mean, not *that* fleeting…
MUTANTS: We have kidnapped you and we want you to heal this 11 year old girl, Tris.
CLARKE: Guys have you not heard things did not go well for her in the Divergent series.
MUTANTS: We’ll kill Finn if you don’t cure her.
FINN: Save me, Clarke!
CLARKE: Oh jeez. Why are you guys bringing 11 year old girls into battle anyway?
MUTANTS: Totally normal battle behaviour. Very normal. Very efficient.
RAVEN AND BELLAMY’S TENT OF BONING ALL NIGHT AND MOST OF THE NEXT DAY: *bones to a halt*
BELLAMY: Feel better?
BELLAMY: Told ya!
CLARKE: I’ve put filthy tubing into this girl’s chest! Now I’m going to inject blood into her via a large syringe!
MUTANTS: Your medicine seems deeply BS.
TRIS: Agreed! *dies*
MUTANTS: Guess it’s curtains for Finn!
RAVEN: Sorry about my insensitivity over your dead parents in space earlier.
MONTY: You know, I think getting down with Bellamy made you feel a little better.
RAVEN: I do feel bet…
MONTY: By the way we think Finn, Clarke and Extra are lost in the woods, maybe dead!
RAVEN: GEE THANKS, MONTY.
MUTANT: Clarke, mutants got priorities. We keep you, we kill Finn. We’re reasonable people.
MUTANT: We mutants need a healer. I have a bum leg I’d like you to tend to.
CLARKE: *kicks him in the bum leg*
CLARKE: *cuts his throat*
CLARKE: *runs into the woods leaving Finn for dead*
AUDIENCE: MURDER PRINCESS!!!!!!!
CLARKE: *gets caught in a trap but points for the good college murder try*
RAVEN: I feel super bad for wishing Finn gone.
OCTAVIA: You cannot make Finn disappear by wishing. Ask the audience.
EXTRA: Guys can you believe it? I am ALIVE! Rescue me!
BELLAMY: We have to get this extra to safety, I am the leader and I am responsible.
OCTAVIA AND RAVEN: But the characters in the credits!!!!
BELLAMY: I am sorry about your boyfriend Linn, Raven.
RAVEN, OCTAVIA & EXTRA: Bellamy!!!!!
BELLAMY: Oh my God. Sorry, your ex Linn. I’m so sorry. That was so insensitive of me.
SPACE PREZ: OK, we are all doomed and soon our giant spaceship will shut down, so everyone… get drunk, because I’m giving up.
SPACE PREZ: Wait, you know how this whole show proved our kids were more intelligent than us? A video of my kid and baby Clarke just gave me the idea to just try to send our giant spaceship down to earth! Sure, 95% of us will explode, but hey, better than dying in space when the oxygen runs out!
ALL: Your speeches are so inspirational, sir.
TECH: Uh-oh, looks like someone has to stay behind and manually launch the spaceship.
SPACE VIZIER: I volunteer as tribute! I clasp hands with people as I dramatically walk out of the…
SPACE PREZ: You snooze, you lose! I volunteered myself as tribute without all the hand-clasping!
SPACE PREZ: But there’s still time for one more speech…
ALL: I wonder if the spaceship bit that survives will contain the characters featured in the credits!
BELLAMY: OKAY WE ARE UNDER ATTACK AND WE HAVE TO KILL ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME LITERALLY EVERYBODY JUST KILL ‘EM ALL LET GOD SORT IT OUT KILL THEM ALL OR I’LL KILL YOU!
ALL: He has really not been well in the brainpan since Clarke was kidnapped. The strain is getting to that guy.
ALL: Though admittedly his life philosophy has not changed.
JASPER: But I miss Monty, who has also gone missing, and Clarke and Finn. 🙁
BELLAMY: You don’t think I miss my murder princess? and sweet Monty? And… your friend, who I’m sure is nice? But we must concentrate on the plot, Jasper! Eye on the prize.
JASPER: Hate plot and hate u.
CLARKE: Oh no gonna be killed by mutants.
LINCOLN: I save you.
LINCOLN: I save Finn.
AUDIENCE: That wasn’t necessary.
CLARKE: You are very, very forgiving for a dude we electrocuted in the nips.
MURPHY: I kill another dude. I am, let us face it, a serial killer.
JASPER: I didn’t see you murdering anyone at alllllll. Nope. Nuh-uh. Who’s the only witness of a brutal murder? Not me, that’s who.
MURPHY: I kidnap you and take you hostage!
BELLAMY: I regret sparing you greatly. Please take me instead of Jasper.
MURPHY: Sold! Now I’m going to get you to hang yourself.
BELLAMY: I regret every bad idea I’ve ever had. So, basically my whole life.
RAVEN: I jimmy the spaceship open so Bellamy is saved!
MURPHY: I shoot Raven and run away!
AUDIENCE: Not Raven! You monster!
LINCOLN: Now we go away, to the dangerous mysterious mines that are the only way back.
CLARKE: The mines of Moria…?
LINCOLN: The reapers live there, cannibals who rip and tear in a frenzy of bloodlust…
CLARKE: The reavers, like on Firefl…
LINCOLN: REAPERS. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
CLARKE: Um… okay.
LINCOLN: TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
REAPER: I kill you, Clarke!
FINN: No don’t! I bash you with a rock! I… I… I’ve killed someone! Oh my God, I killed someone! It’s the penultimate episode and that means there is a shocking twist and here it is! I DID A THING!
FINN: … I think I’m in shock.
CLARKE: Finn, baby, murder is NBD. Literally I killed someone last night and didn’t mention it because it seemed dull. Bellamy and I have actually co-murdered more than once. We have taken murder from a solo to a double act. What I’m trying to say is: I love murder.
FINN: I love u. I committed an act of plot and I demand, I DEMAND, to have a soulful conversation about our relaysh!
CLARKE: This declaration of devotion is really taking up a lot of plot time…
JASPER: Bellamy you almost died for me!
BELLAMY: Well I’m SORRY, Jasper, but I couldn’t think of a way to do bett–
JASPER: Let me hold you.
BELLAMY: Oh my dear dear God. Your feelings are—they’re right in my face. They’re all over me. Feelings. Affection? I can’t…
JASPER: I cling to your manly shoulders. I am so proud of your character development over this season. You are a hero. I love you, and your hair looks FANTASTIC.
BELLAMY: You and me, Jasper, we’ll go find my murder princess. And Monty. And… uh… you know… it’s on the tip of my tongue…
CLARKE: I’m back! The mutants are coming! We all have to run!
BELLAMY: I’m so glad you’re back! Let’s stay and murder everybody!
CLARKE: Bellamy is right.. that it is dangerous to go. But also, let’s leave immediately.
BELLAMY: My joy at your return was so swiftly curtailed.
BELLAMY: I’m not going and you CAN’T MAKE ME.
FINN: Welp, see ya, Bellamy!
CLARKE: You must come with us Bellamy! We need your dazzling charisma!
BELLAMY: Um, well… thank you.
CLARKE: Your leadership has been superb!
BELLAMY: Well… thank you.
CLARKE: So come with us.
BELLAMY: I think your idea is dumb but you speak to me so nicely and your hair is so shiny.
BELLAMY: Goodbye, fair hovel we buried people in! Goodbye, burned-down panther meat smokehouse! Alas, you were my only accomplishment.
THE 100: journey forth into the woods
THE 100: get shot at
THE 100: immediately go back to camp
AUDIENCE: after all that…? after all that build-up they immediately… No. Fine. Of course. OF COURSE YOU DID, THE 100, YOU RASCAL.
BELLAMY: Looking to you, murder princess.
CLARKE: OK plan ‘murder them all’ is a go.
BELLAMY: Down the basement, lock the cellar door and oh, baby. Talk murder to me.
BELLAMY: We need to make a battle plan. I have maps and schemes and…
FINN: Yeah, like your BOMB on the BRIDGE plan, Bellamy, you dummy!
BELLAMY: That was your plan…?
BELLAMY: My plan was a bomb on our enemies? Which would have solved this problem of… our enemies attacking?
BELLAMY: Sometimes I can’t even deal with you, Fiona.
BELLAMY: What if we shut everybody up in our disused spaceship to protect them?
CLARKE: What if we set all our enemies on fire?
RAVEN: Even though I am shot, I could rig the spaceship so it blasted off at our enemies.
FINN: I peacefully stare into the distance. La la la… la la la la…
RAVEN: Love triangles are very bad for the self-esteem, and bullets are very bad for the spine.
CLARKE: Well, I think you’re the coolest, Raven, and if I was into ladies…
RAVEN: I pass out due to bullet in spine.
FINN: OK, I’m going to do another thing and get Lincoln and his anti-coagulant! KEEP LOVE (TRIANGLES) ALIVE!
JASPER: I guess I will try to rig the spaceship with my vaguely nerdy knowhow…
BELLAMY: Uh-oh about to be murdered by a mutant.
OCTAVIA: I save you!
OCTAVIA: I get stabbed in the leg!
BELLAMY: I princess carry you away!
OCTAVIA: You cannot princess carry me through our enemies to our spaceship.
BELLAMY: Imma try! Because I love you, sis.
LINCOLN: Hello. Please hand over my girlfriend. I will heal her and make her my bride in a faraway land by the sea.
BELLAMY: I admit, dude… you have been super helpful, considering we electrocuted you in the nips.
LINCOLN: No hard feelings.
BELLAMY: Octavia, you finally have my blessing to bone somebody.
OCTAVIA: I love you, big brother. I embrace you. I stroke your hair tenderly.
BELLAMY: … I didn’t mean me…
BELLAMY: … but…
BELLAMY: … if you incest.
OCTAVIA & LINCOLN: Bye-bye.
BELLAMY: Sure. No. Fine. Back to my imminent death.
FINN: Let’s shut up the spaceship and blast away!
CLARKE: Uh, have you noticed that we are missing VITAL PERSONNEL?
FINN: It’s sad about the extras, but…
CLARKE: I refer, OF COURSE, to BELLAMY! And I find it absurd that you would mistake my meaning!
CLARKE: BELLAMY! BELLAMY! THEY’RE KILLING HIM! BELLAMY!
FINN: I’m drunk with the power of doing stuff! I’m going to save Bellamy!
BELLAMY: Wow Ginn. I didn’t think we were close.
FINN: I immediately regret this decision!
CLARKE: Well, I am so sorry to lose Bellamy and Finn, but we have to close the spaceship and blast off and condemn them to a fiery death. Plots before hots, people.
CLARKE’S MOM: OMG earth is amazing.
SPACE VIZIER: You should be here sir.
CLARKE’S MOM: So cool.
SPACE VIZIER: There are trees, unexpected
CLARKE’S MOM: Fluffy clouds!
SPACE VIZIER: You guys sound like stoners. Stoners who are rubbing it in.
SPACE PREZ: Imma get DRUNK!
SPACE VIZIER: OMG smoke in the distance… the smoke of conflict and plot…
CLARKE’S MOM: Another bit of spaceship probably.
SPACE VIZIER: That seems likely.
CLARKE’S MOM: Definitely not our kids exploding everything. No way.
SINISTER MASKED MAN: *burst onto the scene and gas everyone*
CLARKE: Crap I don’t believe it, season 2 conflict is upon us already zzzzzzz
CLARKE: I’m clean! I’m in a fluorescent quarantine ward! There’s a Van Gogh on the wall! The sinister masked men have provided me with mascara! They seem kindly.
AUDIENCE: Thank God! If they have Van Goghs and mascara they have medicine for Raven!
MONTY: Hi Clarke!
CLARKE: I’m glad you’re here with me, Monty. Here at the end of all season 1 things.
So season 1 closes: Our beloved heroine is in a mountain facility surrounded by Van Goghs and mascara. Her hero and my hero are in the mines of Moria surrounded by cannibals. And there are a bunch of adults sitting in the grass going ‘SWEET HOLY TREES, BATMAN!’