Hello, my beloved internet! It’s been kind of a rough time between us lately, and I’ve been feeling crappy and anxiety-filled, but instead of flailing about I wanted to do something positive instead, so I thought I’d make you something nice.
I saw Pacific Rim with my best friend last week, and I really loved it! I did not expect to really love it, as giant robots are not really my thing, but we all know how I feel about psychic bonds. I saw mention of a great Japanese heroine here: http://bedlamsbard.tumblr.com/post/56817485482/okay-this-is-the-thing-about-pacific-rim-for-me and then I saw more and more recommendations for it, and I ended up wanting to see it, and I ended up enjoying it even more than I thought I would.
So, to express my love… This one’s for you, internet. I hope you enjoy it.
INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE: How do we deal with all these attacks by enormous creatures from the sea?
RUSSIA: How about… we create giant robots which are powered by two people who have a psychic bond, and the robots BEAT THEM UP!
INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE: Go home Russia, you are DRUNK. Who has any better ideas?
INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE: *crickets*
INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE: What were you saying again, Russia?
RALEIGH: You wouldn’t have picked my brother Yancy and me to be heroes.
AUDIENCE: Well no. YANCY and RALEIGH? Your parents were clearly sadists.
RALEIGH: But we turn out to be awesome at mind-melding and punching sea monsters while in a giant robot suit. Yancy wake up let’s fight monsters together! My character could use development, but my abs are already pretty great.
YANCY: … As a non-morning person, I object to being roused to fight giant lizards by someone this gleeful. As the less aesthetically attractive sibling in a movie, I object to my imminent demise.
MARSHAL PENTECOST, KING OF THE GIANT ROBOTS: Do not do this thing I am telling you not to do.
YANCY: We’re going to do the thing, because we are mavericks who play by our own ru-
MARSHAL PENTECOST: I told you not to do the thing.
RALEIGH AND GIANT ROBOT: *stagger to their fainting surf*
OLD MAN AND LITTLE KID: Uh…
RALEIGH: Fetch robot smelling salts.
INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE: We finally had a better idea than the giant robots! We’re going to build a big wall and surely the monsters will not climb it or reduce it to toothpaste.
MARSHAL PENTECOST: Do not do this thing.
INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE: We’re going to do the thing.
MARSHAL PENTECOST: Why does everyone do the thing I tell them not to do? Have they not noticed I am played by IDRIS ELBA?
MARSHAL PENTECOST: I’m not listening to them. Canada was in on that call, and nobody listens to Canada!
CHOI: Ten-four, Marshal. By the way, what are you eating, sir?
MARSHAL PENTECOST: Plot Point Pills Which Indicate Imminent Death of A Hero’s Mentor Figure.
MARSHAL PENTECOST: I call them Death Mentos for short.
FIVE YEARS LATER
RALEIGH: I am building a giant wall so that somebody will feed me.
AUDIENCE: Why is there a food shortage if the monsters are only attacking the coast? Are the monsters eating the food? Are the monsters fiending for a Krispy Kreme?
RALEIGH: Marshal Pentecost, I see that while I have been mourning you have acquired a natty outfit!
PENTECOST: Kind of you to notice. I have also been protecting humankind from extinction, while looking so fly. Now come help pilot a giant robot.
RALEIGH: That’s not a good id-
PENTECOST: What part of ‘do the things Idris Elba is telling you to do’ is everybody finding so difficult?
RALEIGH: I’ll never copilot a giant robot again my heart is dead!
RALEIGH: I HAVE JUST MET YOU & I LOVE YOU.
MAKO (in Japanese): He’s not what I was imagining.
RALEIGH (in Japanese): Better or worse?
MAKO: Worse, but would hit it.
RALEIGH: Whoa, sparks & rust.
IDRIS ELBA: We’re a resistance! And half the budget goes on my tailored coats.
ALL: MONEY WELL SPENT.
RALEIGH: So that’s a clock counting from the last kaiju attack? And it’s called… a War Clock?
IDRIS ELBA: The resistance is long on handsome, short on naming prowess.
IDRIS ELBA: Please meet our scientists. They are very quirky. You can tell because they are played by actors who do not attend the gym.
NEWT: Hello I have accurate depictions of the giant lizards of death who are rapidly bringing our world to an end tattooed on me!
AUDIENCE: Accurate nerd observation. Would trust movie to nerd again.
RALEIGH: Hey girl you know what I like to do with a foxy lady?
MAKO: Uh, no.
RALEIGH: RESPECT HER and her awesome kill scores and her fearless observations! Also maybe pilot giant robots with her?
MAKO: I like your answer but I have to pass.
RALEIGH: And maybe… braid her hair and sing her love songs while she makes up her mind?
RALEIGH: Okay I’ll be waiting just across the hall if you change your mind.
RALEIGH: Waiting… shirtless.
RALEIGH: If you like it then you should put a giant robot on it!
IDRIS ELBA: I cannot help but see that Raleigh has been hanging about the place shirtlessly. Somebody get him a fetching sweater from my private ‘fitted to be fly’ wardrobe.
SILVER FOX AUSTRALIAN: Hey Raleigh looking good!
RALEIGH:…I don’t know where this sweater came from.
TOTAL BRAT AUSTRALIAN, SILVER FOX’S SON, ODDLY NAMED CHUCK: You’re old and ugly.
SILVER FOX: Son, that’s not true, you can clearly see he is a youthful chiseled beauty.
IMPROBABLY AUSTRALIAN CHUCK: Well, you suck.
SILVER FOX: That’s not true. He is a very skilled giant robot pilot, second only to the most skilled robot pilot of them all, whose name is a mystery but let’s face it, when you’re talking about who’s the most awesome at something, you’re talking about Idris Elba. We’re talking about Idris Elba.
IMPROBABLE AUSTRALIAN: Well you don’t have a bulldog.
RALEIGH: That’s true, and hurtful.
RALEIGH: Hello assorted hopeful robot pilots! My name is Raleigh Beckett, and my turn-ons include Mako Mori, being flipped to the ground by delicately built ladies, ladies with blue in their hair, and giant robots. My turn-offs include piloting giant robots with anybody but Mako, and when turned off I hit people with large sticks.
MAKO: Commander Fitted Jacket, let me fight him!
IDRIS ELBA: Okay, but only because it makes daddy so proud when you bring grown men to their knees.
MAKO: Did it hurt when you fell on your ass after I flipped you to the ground?
RALEIGH: Did it hurt when you fell from robot copilot heaven?
RALEIGH: Have you ever thought just maybe, you belong with me?
MAKO: I have thought that I respect my commanding officer’s decision not to let me play with large toys or large fluffy blond men.
IDRIS ELBA: Listen up, Maverick Officer Fluffy Duckling Touchy Feely, I got rules.
IDRIS ELBA: No touchy. No feely.
RALEIGH: It’s a love story baby just say yes!
MAKO: No. Commander Hot Dad Cool Coats forbids it.
RALEIGH: I get it, Mako is like a daughter to you.
IDRIS ELBA: Exactly, and that is why she can’t psychically bond with anyone and have them thinking sexual thoughts about me. That would be very scarring for her!
RALEIGH: Why would they be–
IDRIS ELBA: Oh please. I am Idris Elba.
RALEIGH: Well I’m certainly not–
IDRIS ELBA: Oh please. I am Idris Elba.
MAKO: RALEIGH WITH A BOOM BOX!
IDRIS ELBA: Hello.
IDRIS ELBA: Sorry I’ve never… seen this expression on anyone’s face when they opened a door to find me there? Disapp… Disapplontment?
MAKO: Disappointment, Dad. Sorry, Dad. This is just not what I was hoping for.
IDRIS ELBA: Really? Because Raleigh respected your choice to say no to giant robots without pushing, and now I shall give you my blessing. You may have Raleigh Beckett’s hand in giant robot war.
MAKO: This is just EXACTLY what I was hoping for.
IDRIS ELBA: They always want such weird things. My Little Ponies. Blond dudes.
IDRIS ELBA: Remember when you were a little girl, and I turned on a street, and a halo of light surrounded my head, and angels sang and you regarded me as your own personal saviour?
MAKO: That’s basically every day, Dad. You’re gonna have to be a little more specific.
IDRIS ELBA: I was talking about the day we first met when I saved you in a robot. Anyway, I’m proud of you! *wipes tear* My little girl. All grown up and punching seamonsters.
IDRIS ELBA: You’re never quite ready for the day when they leave the nest, and meet a man, and pilot a giant robot with him to avert the apocalypse.
RALEIGH: I’m going to keep quiet because soon we’ll have an unspoken love connection through a giant robot and we don’t need words.
RALEIGH: So I’m not going to say much because I’m the strong silent type.
RALEIGH: Damn girl you look fine.
RALEIGH: If I said you had a beautiful mind would you hold it against mine?
RALEIGH: Let’s do this thing.
RALEIGH: We’re doing the thing!
RALEIGH: This is for real!
RALEIGH: Mako? Mako?
RALEIGH: Wait has this gone wrong and it’s all my fault?
MAKO: You finally get a guy in robot, and he turns out to be a talker.
RALEIGH: In some ways that could have gone better.
IDRIS ELBA: You both totally and humiliatingly failed.
RALEIGH: Yes, ‘succeeding’ is one of the ways in which it could have gone better.
NEWT: I bonded with a piece of a dead lizard’s brain!
IDRIS ELBA: You what? Are you high?
NEWT: The sea monsters attacking us are space aliens from another dimension!
IDRIS ELBA: Are you concussed?
NEWT: They used to be dinosaurs, of course. Dinosaurs with turquoise blood from another dimension! GOD IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
IDRIS ELBA: Are you highcussed?
NEWT: Obviously I need more dead lizard brain to further evolve my theories.
IDRIS ELBA: Absolutely! You should do that. Get right… on that. Please leave.
PACIFIC RIM: Pollution sucks.
AUDIENCE: Sure, because of global warming, ice caps melting, many animals and insects going extinct–
PACIFIC RIM: Also it will cause the giant lizards to come and eat us all.
AUDIENCE: … Interesting new perspective.
IMPROBABLE CHUCK: Hahaha, loser.
RALEIGH: Whatever, loser.
IMPROBABLE CHUCK: Your mother smelled of elderberries!
RALEIGH: You think you smell great? Dude, it’s the seamonster apocalypse.
IMPROBABLE CHUCK: Mako’s hair isn’t that shiny.
RALEIGH: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO PULL YOUR LIVER OUT OF YOUR NOSE! I’M GOING TO PULL YOUR SPLEEN OUT OF YOUR EAR! AND YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHERE I’M GOING TO PULL YOUR KIDNEYS OUT OF!
RALEIGH: You must have been snow in a former life to make me feel so Drift compatible with you.
MAKO: Thanks, dude.
RALEIGH: Can you feel the giant robot love tonight?
MAKO: Yes, but we are fired for incompetence.
NEWT: Hello, I was looking for a dude called Chau?
CHAU: Did you expect someone Asian?
NEWT: Uh… silly me?
CHAU: Anyway I’m a shifty black market dealer!
NEWT: I’m a dude looking to get up and personal with a dead lizard’s brain. No judgements here.
RUSSIAN ROBOT: *dies*
CHINESE ROBOT: *dies*
AUSTRALIAN ROBOT: *it ain’t looking good*
IDRIS ELBA: You guys are hired again.
MAKO & RALEIGH: Woohoo!
IDRIS ELBA: On account of everyone else is dead.
MAKO & RALEIGH: We’d like to modulate that to a quietly mournful ‘woo.’
SUDDEN GIANT LIZARD ATTACK: attacks.
NEWT: *chased across city by giant lizard*
SAVAGE GIANT LIZARD: Have you ever thought just maybe, you belong with me?
NEWT: In retrospect, I’ve made some poor life decisions.
MAKO: Fortunately I have built a giant sword into the robot.
SARAH: This is better if you know her family were swordmakers.
AUDIENCE: How do you know that?
SARAH: Internet addiction–sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing.
RALEIGH: How did I not know you’d built a giant sword into the robot?
MAKO: Bubbles, I love you, but sometimes you talk too much and you don’t pay attention.
CHAU: How did you escape the giant monster?
NEWT: Escape? We had coffee, talked about how to make an interdimensional relationship work…
CHAU: Oh, I getcha. Interdimensional relationships are tough.
NEWT: Back to my previous list of demands! 1. Lizard brains. 2. Lizard brains. 3. Some sort of lizard brain container, that stuff is nasty.
CHAU’S SHIFTY DEALER COMPATRIOTS: Something’s up with this dead lizard. Oh my god, it’s pregnant.
NEWT: I swear, we only met today.
BABY LIZARD: Mommmmmmmyyyyyyy.
NEWT: I flee! I flee my own inevitable fame in a reality TV show called ‘Bringing Up Lizard.’
IDRIS ELBA: I am dying of handsome and narrative inevitability, but the Death Mentos will hold it off a while. Unless I get in a giant robot, then I’m toast.
RALEIGH: So when are you getting in a giant robot?
IDRIS ELBA: Well, now that I’ve said that, I’ll be lucky to make it ten more minutes. Goddamn, I am toast with marmalade.
IDRIS ELBA: Okay here’s the plan: CANCEL THE APOCALYPSE.
CROWD OF THE RESISTANCE, WHOSE JOB IS MAINLY TO LOOK SAD, CLAP AND POLISH THE ROBOTS: *clap*
CROWD: Goddamn we are lucky to have Idris Elba. Can you imagine some of these lines said by other people? Let’s clap some more.
IDRIS ELBA: Since Silver Fox Australian is out of commission, I will join Improbable Chuck on a suicide mission. Fetch me my tailored robot suit.
LITTLE BULLDOG: Sometimes I feel things for Idris Elba… what little bulldogs are not meant to feel.
SILVER FOX AUSTRALIAN: Goodbye Improbably Named Chuck.
IMPROBABLE CHUCK: I love you Daddy. I love you more, bulldog.
SILVER FOX AUSTRALIAN: I’ll miss him, but I’ve known pain before. My real-life name is Max Martini.
RALEIGH: You know Mako, I’ve been living for so long in the past, when my brother was alive, and I was a biker, and I was banging Littlefinger from Game of Thrones–
RALEIGH: I’ve had a varied career. But I never thought about the future before, and the kind of wedding I want, and that maybe the bridesmaids’ dresses could be teal, and today is a bad day to start embroidering for my hope chest, but–
MAKO: Settle down, my plan is a Vegas chapel shaped like a robot.
HERMAN: Let’s psychically connect to this dead baby lizard’s brain together.
NEWT: That is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me.
HERMAN: By Jove, we will own this bad boy for real!
NEWT: … By Jove? Nobody says that. English people don’t say that. If you are a time traveller, you can tell me. I will believe you, and chances are I will also find it totally hot.
NEWT: Stop everything! You know the bit in the heist movie where they need an evildoer’s fingerprint to get into the high security building?
AUSTRALIAN SILVER FOX: Yes?
NEWT: This is exactly like that except replace ‘fingerprint’ with ‘giant lizard carcass’ and replace ‘high security building’ with ‘alternate dimension.’
IDRIS ELBA: Time to sacrifice ourselves for my beloved adopted daughter and baby badass, Mako. And Blondie too I guess.
IMPROBABLE CHUCK: Sir, it’s how I always wanted to go… beside a man who looks like Idris Elba.
IDRIS ELBA: Me too.
IMPROBABLE CHUCK: You wanted to die with a man who looks like me, sir?
IDRIS ELBA: Oh no. No, I wanted to die as a man who looks like me. And success.
IDRIS ELBA: This robot is now diamonds.
IDRIS ELBA: And so I die as I lived, handsomely, authoritatively, and wearing close-fitting garments.
RALEIGH AND MAKO: *defeat the evil lizards through love and punching, pass into alternate dimension*
RALEIGH: Whoo we did it Mako that one was for real baby nobody punches robots better though sometimes I wish someone could, nobody punches robots half as good as you, baby baby, you’re the best.
MAKO: Please don’t talk so much we are losing oxygen.
RALEIGH: You know the womenfolk, and their delicate lady needs for ‘oxygen.’
RALEIGH: As a chiseled blond dude who is faking an American accent, I am too manly for any such requirements.
RALEIGH: First, send precious beloved badass Mako to safety!
RALEIGH: Next, set precious beloved giant robot to blow up alternate dimension.
RALEIGH: Is there anything else I forgot? Did I leave the iron on in the other dimension, well, plenty of time to–
RALEIGH: Augh augh just remembered CAN’T BREATHE…
MAKO: Wake up in a tiny raft in a metal bodysuit, this reminds me of a trip to Tijuana–oh my God, Raleigh ain’t looking so hot. And that is VERY UNUSUAL for Raleigh.
MAKO: Check for a pulse? Raleigh must be dead because he isn’t talking!
MAKO: Wake up Raleigh! I have lost Idris Elba and that is enough loss for a lifetime!
RALEIGH: You make good points. I will live! For you, and Idris Elba!
AUDIENCE: Sounds like a pretty good battle cry to *me*.
Not as funny as some, I don’t think, because I did find this a touching tale, robots and all: ‘only connect’ the movie suggested, and you can do anything. But I hope you guys enjoyed it!
I’ve read this about 6 times now. THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING.
So. Funny. I am laughing myself off the couch. This is beautiful.