Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Zenda. I mean, Azkaban. (but read Zenda, because, totally hot villain? I trust I need say no more.) : A Parody
HARRY: Now I will, by turns, do suspicious stuff under the bedclothes, drawl sarcastically, look like a Rebel Without A Cause and sulk in my overlarge shirt, then use dark magic and run away to live on the streets. While being a young, sulky boy. In eyeliner. Maybe I’ll be a rent boy!
AUDIENCE: … Harry Potter, let us honestly say we did not see this coming.
IGOR (otherwise known as Respectable Hostelry Owner): I enjoy manhandling you excessively.
HARRY: Note to self: new career going excellently so far!
FUDGE: I am the Minister for Magic.
HARRY: Note to self: have almost instantly become the best rent boy ever to have lived. I rule!
FUDGE: You are not expelled and I am going to lie unconvincingly to you because as a politician, where could I ever have developed lying skills?
RON: Your cat is evil!
HERMIONE: Cats should be worshipped! As should I, but you’ll realize that one day, you foxy redhaired thing, you.
HARRY: Hey, guys!
MR WEASLEY: There’s this guy who wants to kill you. Don’t go looking for him!
HARRY: Why would I?
MR WEASLEY: Um… I thought you were into extreme sports yes, Harry, that’s it, take up bungee jumping instead. That’s all the screen time I’m allowed, okay, bye!
HARRY: But I’m desperately in need of a father figure!
MR WEASLEY: Three words for you about this movie, Mr Potter – Spoiled For Choice.
LUPIN: *lurks behind his coat collar, cruelly tempting us with the wistful notion that he might be in any way attractive or charismatic*
RON: Ice on the window screen! Oh my God, the world is ending, Europe will be destroyed, Jake Gyllenhaal will take his clothes off!
DEMENTOR: Wrong movie, you idiot. I mean, woooo.
LUPIN: Eat my sweeties.
AUDIENCE: Can defeat the Dark Lord but apparently does not know not to take candy from strangers.
DUMBLEDORE: I’d like to take advantage of this time for speechmaking to display my cunning ploy of dispensing platitudes rather than information throughout this fine moving picture venture.
DRACO: You fainted because of Dementors? You pansy!
HARRY: Malfoy! What’s with the boy-band hair? Also, as later events will unfold, coming from you that is, like, an entire packet of Rich Tea biscuits.
DRACO: And you never answered any of my letters all summer.
HARRY: Stalking is a criminal offence, you know.
CUARON, THE DIRECTOR: I eentirely refuse to continue work without a session of male bonding with under-age boys in their night attire! Eet is an important arteestic addition!
HARRY: *makes steam engine noises*
AUDIENCE: *makes inappropriate and dreadful ‘going like a steam engine’ puns*
RON FANCIERS: *swoon*
CUARON: Behold my arteestic genius. On with the show!
TRELAWNEY: I am KOOKY. KOOKY, do you hear me?
RON: Where did Hermione come from? What do you want from me?!
HERMIONE: *puts hand on his leg* Tell you later. P.S. This class sucks.
HAGRID: I am a professor!
DRACO: I’m going to rupture something from sneering so much, you know.
HERMIONE: *tries to hold Ron’s hand*
RON: Would you quit it with the inappropriate touching, Hermione? You’re making me seriously uncomfortable in my place of work.
HARRY: I DON’T WANT A RIDE ON THE EAGLE! … Oooh, flying. Okay, time to turn around. I like my brooms non-sentient. *returns after long period in which people thought he might be dead*
DRACO: Soul crushed by disappointment! Cannot go on! Must kick the killer eagle in the shins!
HIPPOGRIFF: *slashes, to all appearances, Draco’s sleeve*
DRACO: Nooooo! Not my *haute couture*! *swoons*
HERMIONE: Medic, medic!!!!!
CUARON: Have successfully inserted sexual tension between Emma Watson and every boy to hand. Oh, the cleverness of me, the cleverness of me!
DRACO: I’ll get you, my pretty… you and your little chicken too…
DRACO: No, the sleeve was ripped right through! It’ll never be the same again! I’m sorry, I… can’t go on…
PANSY: You’re such a hero, Draco.
HARRY: I don’t see why Malfoy gets to keep his love interest and I get left with a time-share in Hermione. Favoritism so unfair.
LUPIN: I am the king of the swingers yeah, the jungle VIP, la la, by the way you should say ‘riddikulus’ to the Boggart.
DRACO: This class is riddikulus. Oh my God, I am so WITTEH, I love myself!
LUPIN: What are you even doing here?
CUARON: There’s this scene where a teacher comes out of the closet dressed in women’s clothing? Man, I love kids’ movies and their total lack of subtlety in symbolism!
ALAN RICKMAN IN A DRESS: Do you? I do not.
HARRY: Professor Lupin, you’re the right age, how about being my surrogate father figure?
LUPIN: You have your mother’s pretty, shiny eyes.
HARRY: Eeep… Note to self: Over-application of blusher bad mistake.
FAT LADY: Sirius Black cut up my picture!
PERCY: And I’m Head Boy and I only get two lines. We all have our problems, sister.
LUPIN: Let us wander out into the woods on another completely inappropriate example of teacher and individual student relations.
HARRY: Wow, this surrogate father figure thing is going really really well. Do you have any friends looking for an adopted son, well-mannered but with rage issues, good-looking in a kind of effeminate way, conqueror of evil and not a fussy eater?
LUPIN: … I’ll get back to you on that.
SNAPE: Since Lupin is unavailable at the time of the full moon, how’s about you all start reading about werewolves? Does that ring any bells with anyone? Anyone?
DRACO: *howls like a wolf. Or a total dorky exhibitionist*
SNAPE: *mild exasperation* Why are you even here?
DRACO: I AM EVERYWHERE! *floats origami swan to Harry which reads ‘Feels like lightning runnin’ through my veins, every time I look at you’*
HARRY: I look dashing in this picture. I’m keeping this. But don’t think you’re winning me over, Malfoy.
HARRY: It absolutely figures that the one Quidditch match I get to play this year is in such foul weather.
HARRY: Dementors! *swoons*
CUARON: He loses the game so he feels his MANHOOD is CRUSHED! And then we ACTUALLY CRUSH his big flying stick! *chokes on glee*
AUDIENCE: … oookay.
LUPIN: Please to chase away Dementors using this spell.
HARRY: If I do, will you give me the paternal love and acceptance I crave?
LUPIN: I’ll give you more candy.
HARRY: Good enough.
TWINS: Let’s go someplace more private. We have something to show you.
HARRY: I’ll bet you do.
TWINS: It’s a map.
HARRY: … Oh! Thank God!
HERMIONE: Moooove closer. Move your body real close, move closer. Till we feel like we’re really making…
RON: Yes, Hermione, but what are you really trying to say?
DRACO: Hi, Weaselby. I thought I’d ruin the moment.
AUDIENCE: *incredulous stares* *Weaselby*?
DRACO: I know. I’m such a dork.
HARRY: *throws snowballs because Cuaron got overexcited about the idea of mudwrestling and had to be taken home for the day*
DRACO: Oh my God, I’m being manhandled by invisible forces! … I knew my Russian fur hat would make me irresistible. Father was so wrong to advocate tasteful chiffon.
HERMIONE: Ron fancies that barmaid. So tonight she must die.
RON: I feel like I’m missing something here… Aha! I know!
HERMIONE: My love, you do?
RON: Harry! He just sneaked into the pub!
HERMIONE: Men. Can’t live with them. Am too smart for anyone to believe I killed them by accident.
HARRY: My parents were betrayed by their friend!
HERMIONE: I’m just going to take off your invisibility cloak so we can all see you’re crying.
HARRY: I’m not crying! I’m *sniff* murderously angry!
RON: Way to leave a man with some dignity, Hermione.
HAGRID: They’re killing Buckbeak! He was my only friend. Apart from you guys and the headmaster who gave me a sweet job I wasn’t even qualified for.
HERMIONE: The Malfoys’ rabid concern for their clothing hurts us all, in so many different ways.
DRACO: Dad says I can have the hippogriff’s head. Um. He shows his love in unusual ways.
HERMIONE: I KEEL YOU MALFOY.
DRACO: oh my god. oh my god, a thirteen year old girl in pink. fetch my smelling salts, quick! *cries*
HERMIONE: *knocks him down*
HAGRID: Dude, I found a rat in my house. Again. I really need to put me down some pesticides.
RON: Scabbers darling!
HAGRID: Look, you can have it if you want it, but don’t blame me if you get the Black Death.
HERMIONE: Buckbeak’s being executed! *clings passionately to Ron*
HARRY: I need love too! *clings passionately to Hermione*
RON: *clings passionately to rat*
AUDIENCE: *gets kind of worried about Ron*
RON: I am being kidnapped by a dog! Harry don’t let me go through the rabbithole!
HARRY: He’s gone! We’re doomed! … Wanna make out?
HERMIONE: Nah, I can get us past the Whomping Willow. I kept forgetting to mention that I’m a weight-lifting athlete.
HARRY: So all that time in the library?
HERMIONE: Secret gym underneath aisle 12. Also, my pink jacket? Is magic.
SIRIUS: I AM HOMICIDALLY INSANE!
HARRY: NO, I AM HOMICIDALLY INSANE!
RON: You know, I think they’re homicidally insane! Cool, the crazy guy on our side is winning. Harry, Harry, he’s our man, if he can’t kill cons no-one can!
LUPIN: Hold everything! Except your wand. That I will magically force you to let go.
RON: Well, I guess no-one can.
CUARON: See, the shifting of the BIG STICKS from hand to hand indicates an almost primal power play! It’s genius I tell you, genius!
AUDIENCE: Because the sticks are, in fact, their magic wands? In fact?
CUARON: I don’t have to work under these conditions. I am an arteeste.
LUPIN: Embrace me, brother!
SIRIUS: Gladly, brother!
RON: I don’t embrace my brothers like that, dude.
LUPIN: Shall we indulge in lots of sinister yet ambiguous discourse?
SIRIUS: Sure. I have missed our little chats.
CUARON: Okay, for some reason they told me to ‘lay off the kids, Al,’ but I have three adult males in a room together in an emotionally charged situation, and I want you to give me all the kinky vibes you can!
SNAPE, SIRIUS AND LUPIN: Done and done.
HARRY: I’m going to take advantage of your distraction by groping Hermione. Hey, is that a wand in her back pocket or is she just pleased to… Oooh, plan! *blasts Snape*
HARRY: Who’s the pansy now, huh? Who’s the pansy now?
PETER: Oh my God, I’m not a rat anymore! Don’t look at me, I’m too ugly! Also please do not kill me ’cause I totally want to live.
HARRY, RON & HERMIONE: Man, he’s got to be the villain. Nobody quite that unattractive could possibly be innocent.
SIRIUS: I’m morally suspect, insane and I have disgusting rotted teeth, but I didn’t kill your parents, so how about moving in and being my adopted son?
HARRY: Oh my god I love you so much nobody’s ever understood me like you we have such a deep spiritual bond I’ve totally felt it ever since I saw your ‘wanted’ posters I think deep down I always knew. Hugs?
SIRIUS: Man, I’m just out of prison and I’m not this desperate for affection.
LUPIN: Full moon! Oh, man, I’ve been a werewolf for thirty years, why does it always sneak up on me?
SIRIUS: Not to worry! I know the cure for lycanthropy!
HARRY: What’s that, then?
HARRY: I don’t *think* so…
CUARON: Now Sirius and Lupin fight! Oh, the animal intensity!
GARY OLDMAN: Because one of us is a dog and one of us is a wolf, right?
CUARON: Oh certainly, certainly. *cackles*
HARRY: I’m going after the man I love like a father!
HERMIONE: You met him like two seconds… Bye, Harry.
RON: Hey baby, I might have to get this leg amputated.
HERMIONE: You’re stealing Draco Malfoy’s chat-up lines?
RON: I confess, I am not a smooth operator.
HERMIONE: I’ll take what I can get.
HARRY: Dementors! Oh no… the horror… my attractively prepubescent face is being blurred… BLURRED, I tell you! *swoons*
SIRIUS: I’m horribly wounded. I get to faint. My godson is such a pansy.
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, go change the past with your Time-Turner. I’ll cryptically hint how.
HERMIONE: Look, since it’s your plan, you do it. We’re only thirteen and we’ve been traumatized enough.
HERMIONE: You can have the Time Turner. Really. Off you go.
DUMBLEDORE: Oooh, my trick knee’s acting up again. Oooh, heavens to Betsy, where’s the liniment?
HERMIONE: … Fine.
HERMIONE: First we lure away Buckbeak with dead ferrets.
AUDIENCE: Random ferret cruelty. Foreshadowing? Circle yes or no.
HERMIONE: Now I’ll imitate a wolf call. It’ll be convincing, don’t worry, I have a magic pink jacket.
HARRY: So if the wolf thinks he’s heard another wolf, he’s coming to do what to us exactly?
HERMIONE: Eeep. Run!
CUARON: *Animal* ferocity! *cackles*
HARRY: Sirius and I are going to live in a house in the country with a white picket fence and we’re going to raise corn and have a swing set and a mommy and lots of babiez.
HERMIONE: Where will you get the mommy and the babiez?
HARRY: We’ll raise them in the vegetable patch or something! Jeez, Hermione, way to spoil my dreams!
HERMIONE: Now we sit in a forest and wait.
HARRY: OK. Wanna make out?
HARRY: How about if I tell you I totally saw my dead father earlier?
HERMIONE: No. Now I just think you’re crazy.
HARRY: You don’t find moral ambiguity attractive in a man?
HARRY: So what do you like, baby?
HERMIONE: I like men to have red hair and lots of brothers and a self-esteem complex and be called Ron Weasley.
HARRY: I could…
HARRY: Look, I know we have all the chemistry of a wet sock in the books, but Cuaron wanted to jazz it up a bit, so I was thinking…
HARRY: So you’re saying…
HERMIONE: Basically? No.
HARRY: *dashes to edge of small rock*
HERMIONE: Don’t do it! Not for my sake, Harry! You’ll get… damp!
HARRY: Expecto patronum!
HERMIONE: … Never mind *that*.
SIRIUS: Oh Harry. *stares soulfully at him* You look so like your dad. Really, really like your dad…
HARRY: You’re lucky I’m affection starved, or I’d be calling child services this minute.
SIRIUS: Dude, thanks for rescuing me. I’m now going to go off and live the rich, varied life of a wanted felon.
HARRY: I’ll go with you and maybe be a rent boy!
SIRIUS: Oh Harry, have your relatives taught you nothing? Proper education first. Be a rent boy later.
HARRY: Aw shucks.
SIRIUS: Now! To the Buckbeak mobile! Away!
RON: … I’m so lost.
AUDIENCE: Don’t worry, so are all the target age group.
HERMIONE: Don’t worry, Ron, you’re just crazy.
RON: I thought Harry was the crazy one.
HARRY (gravely): Yes.
RON: Is Hermione crazy too?
HERMIONE: No, my magical pink jacket protects me.
LUPIN: I am sacked, woe is me, for being different! Being an inappropriate role model for children! Leading an alternative lifestyle!
HARRY: Are you talking about the werewolf thing?
LUPIN: Maybe I am, Harry. And then again… maybe I’m not.
CUARON: You see? Now we give Harry new broom, a BIGGER BETTER broom, to show his new sense of empowerment, nay, his RISING estimation of his own burgeoning MANHOOD…
AUDIENCE: Yes, yes. Have a cool, soothing drink. Good job, man. Good job.
CUARON: *takes a bow* Thank you, thank you! I am an arteeste.