The time has come to talk of many things: namely, my love for lunatics in love and subverted clichés.
Some of you may remember a time lo these many years ago when I decided I loved a Japanese TV show. (Later, my Japanese publisher laughed at me about this. I regret nothing!)
The way I react to certain things I love, such as my Japanese TV show, to Veronica Mars, and to Howl’s Moving Castle: What an awesome lady. I cannot wait to follow her adventures… Who the heck is that weirdo with the intensely strange face?
I have a new thing that I love now. I was watching a Korean drama because I was told there was an awesome lady reporter in it (which was correct) and very much enjoying it. I have always been wary of subtitles, but turns out that so long as you give me buckets of glorious madness, I am perfectly happy to read them.
I was sitting with my friend the Evil One having drinks, as glamorous young things do on a Saturday night, and telling her of my plans to watch more kdramas. She came home with me to have a last drink before she got the night bus, and we put it on so we could check out the first episode.
Nine episodes later, at ungodly o’clock in the morning, we were clutching each other on the sofa and whispering about the greatest love of our time, and also about the most puzzling outfits we had ever, ever seen. Then we passed out.
And now I will tell you all about it!
We begin our tale with Sister Doofus, an irrepressible young nun in training who gets into all sorts of terrible scrapes.
It is much like The Sound of Music. With cross-dressing.
Because the premise of the show is that Sister Doofus must dress up as a guy to take her twin brother’s place and join a boyband. For it was her brother’s dream that if he became a famous singer they would find their long-lost mother: all they knew about her was that she was a singer.
Look, I didn’t make this up. I just report the news.
This is a daunting task, but Sister Doofus is an optimistic soul and as brave as a little tiger in a habit, so she is certain all will be well.
SISTER DOOFUS: I like the band! I like the handsome emo one and the sweet blond one! They look like angels! I am sure we will all get on excellently!
MANAGER: And uh, there is the leader, who resembles nothing so much as a deranged serial killer who saw Spiderman 2 and thought ‘That wasn’t a commitment to eyeliner and bangs. I’ll show you a commitment to eyeliner and bangs. And I’ll do it in a sparkly lilac dress.’
LEADER: Hates everyone in all the world. He is allergic to life, fears rabbits and bidets, has OCD and night blindness, and is a prissy, prissy princess. He has dead eyes and a constant expression caught between a snarl and a sneer. It is… a sneerl.
ME: I will call him the Murderbot.
SISTER DOOFUS: … He seems nice too!
MURDERBOT: House rules: Nobody touches me. Nobody goes in my room. Nobody touches my stuff.
MURDERBOT: The only things I enjoy are transparent tops and ever stranger hairdos.
SISTER DOOFUS: *is not the girly looking one of the group*
PARTY TO CELEBRATE NEW BOYBAND MEMBER: happens
SISTER DOOFUS: gets trashed
WELL-MEANING FOLK: stop her from going to the ladies
SISTER DOOFUS: reels up to the roof, where the Murderbot is avoiding people, like Batman in a sparkly cowl-necked sweater.
SISTER DOOFUS: tries to throw up over the rail
MURDERBOT: You will fall off the roof!!!!!
MURDERBOT: tries offering her: a cup. Nope. A bottle. Nuh-uh. He wrenches a flower from a pot and presents her with that, holding it at arm’s length as she throws up. He almost throws up himself.
SISTER DOOFUS: What a pretty flower.
SISTER DOOFUS: gets up on a bench and falls off
SISTER DOOFUS: wakes up the next day and is like… why is there a cut on my mouth… OH MY GOD. I fell on… SOMEONE ELSE’S MOUTH!
EMO & BLONDIE: WE ARE HORRIFIED.
SISTER DOOFUS: ME TOO. WHICH ONE OF YOU…
EMO & BLONDIE: Er, no.
SISTER DOOFUS: HOW TERRIBLE! A KISS!
EMO & BLONDIE: Er, no.
SISTER DOOFUS: : I do not comprehend.
EMO & BLONDIE: You fell on Murderbot. And you threw up. In his mouth.
SISTER DOOFUS: …
EMO & BLONDIE: He fainted.
EMO & BLONDIE: He is a delicate murderous flower.
SISTER DOOFUS: This ain’t good.
MURDERBOT: arises from his swoon with an intense need to shower.
SISTER DOOFUS: I come bearing tea and a scented candle and a heartfelt apology!
MURDERBOT: I communicate my intense hatred and sweep off to shower disdainfully!
SISTER DOOFUS: puts down the tray, and upsets his huge CD rack. CDs all over floor! Papers knocked off desk! She has to hold up the rack! But now there are papers near the candle!
SISTER DOOFUS: has to put it out. Somehow.
MURDERBOT: sweeps back out in a superb lime green bathrobe to find his room trashed, and Sister Doofus spitting on the floor.
MURDERBOT: slams the rack back in place: a trophy falls off and hits her on the head.
SISTER DOOFUS: goes down!
MURDERBOT: *seizes trophy* Oh my god! There is blood on this! Are you OKAY?
EMO & BLONDIE: Murderbot! What did you do?
MURDERBOT: I didn’t!
EMO & BLONDIE: Yeah, right. YOURS IS THE SNEERL OF A KILLER.
SISTER DOOFUS: I am totally at the emergency room, not being forehead iced in a playground because I would be found out as a lady if I went to the hospital. Sweet of you to be concerned, though!
MURDERBOT: I am not concerned. But where are you, because I seized my clothing and a sequin necklace and dashed down to the emergency room!
SISTER DOOFUS: … Whoops, tunnel.
MURDERBOT: has had enough of this and goes off to a hotel, where he can be serene and pour his bottled water into crystal glasses and do his hair in a topknot.
MUDERBOT: is looking at the live-rollin’ practise rooms when a stylist who is in on the crossdressing gig throws Sister Doofus into a room and goes for her pants.
MURDERBOT: A CELEBRITY HAVING A TAWDRY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER? Who ever heard of such a thing? I shall have a seizure.
MURDERBOT: Hang on something’s not right here…
MURDERBOT: A lady! A lady in my boyband! That’s not right! Justice must be done! Give me ten minutes to undo my topknot and find an appropriately vengeful outfit, and I will rain down unholy fire.
SISTER DOOFUS: escapes from locker room full of naked dudes by envisioning them as cherubs with clouds covering their naughty bits.
SISTER DOOFUS: Whoo! Home free.
MURDERBOT: J’ACCUSE! And I took a cellphone picture to prove it!
SISTER DOOFUS: *seizes phone and runs*
MURDERBOT: has a murderface and a murderswagger as he corners her on a rooftop. Their wrestle for the phone concludes in the phone falling on top of a truck.
MURDERBOT: points out she will still be a lady with or without his phone, so he boosts her up to the top of the truck and she gets it down for him.
SISTER DOOFUS: Uh… a little help here…?
MURDERBOT: is too concerned about the pristine condition of his phone to notice the truck driving off.
SISTER DOOFUS: Ohhhh gooooood what shall I dooooooo
MURDERBOT: CHARGES AFTER THE TRUCK AT A MILLION MILES AN HOUR LIKE A TERMINATOR IN A LAVENDER COWL NECK SWEATER
MURDERBOT: JUMP I MEAN RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!
SISTER DOOFUS: *jumps*
BOTH: *go down hard*
MUCH DAMAGE: is done to their fragile bodies and Murderbot’s beautiful, beautiful sweater.
SISTER DOOFUS: So now you know my terrible secret, perhaps you’d like to help me maybe! I want to find my mom you see and…
MURDERBOT: Moms who are singers abandon you and pretend they don’t have children and make you live a life devoid of all affection until you become a murderbot. I hate moms. Denied.
SISTER DOOFUS: How about you take this ring my dead father gave me as a keepsake to prove I am trustworthy?
MURDERBOT: How ’bout I toss it in an artificial lake?
SISTER DOOFUS: IMMA FIND IT COS STUFF CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND IF YOU HAVE FAITH.
SISTER DOOFUS: *searches for 24 hours in artificial lake*
MURDERBOT: Oh God. I have a feeling.
MURDERBOT: A feeling… of… bad… Look I have your damn ring.
SISTER DOOFUS: FOUND IT! I SEIZE YOU IN A HUG!
MURDERBOT: arms out like a victim of crucifixion with a little towel scarf around his neck
MURDERBOT: Guilt and any sort of physical contact… are terrible things that taste terrible together.
BLONDIE: has confused gay feelings for Sister Doofus.
EMO: has noted Sister Doofus is a girl, and decided to romantically date her in romantical secret… EVEN TO HER!
EMO: You could call me (word that means close buddy).
SISTER DOOFUS: Uh… seems forward…
EMO: Or word that means either close buddy or boyfriend.
SISTER DOOFUS: Uncomfortable with that! I guess I have to go with the first one, buddy!
MURDERBOTs: Oh God, back in the boyband house circle of hell.
SISTER DOOFUS: BUDDY OMG IT’S YOU YOU’RE BACK OMG HI HI HI!
SISTER DOOFUS: U R MY FRIEN!!!
MURDERBOT: Seriously. Don’t touch me.
SISTER DOOFUS: dances after him at slight distance like a happy puppy. FRIENDS! Truck catching = DUCKLING BOND!
SISTER DOOFUS: Made you shrimp porridge!
MURDERBOT: Allergic to that.
SISTER DOOFUS: Teach me to do a cool autograph like yours!
MURDERBOT: Allergic to acts of kindness. I said good day.
MURDERBOT: *makes 100000 signatures, selects best, puts it in her room*
SISTER DOOFUS: Sry about bothering you before! Emo helped me!
MURDERBOT: Must retrieve evidence of act of kindness so NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW.
ME: His is an alarming face to come creeping into your room at night, like an evil raptor in a ridiculous sweater.
MURDERBOT: Now time for a photoshoot in a swimming pool.
SISTER DOOFUS: !!!
MURDERBOT: In our clothes.
SISTER DOOFUS: Whoo! Now all I have to do is get changed in the darkened swimming pool! OMG people coming back in to find lost equipment! *jumps in pool, holds breath*
MURDERBOT: Ah, all nice and dry in a snazzy red lace top
MURDERBOT: … omg she’s in the pool…
CAMERAMEN: Are you hanging around because you want to help, Murderbot?
MURDERBOT: …. sure… whatever…
CAMERAMEN: We’re gonna go, either because we found our equipment or because your murderface is freaking us out.
MURDERBOT: … excellent…
MURDERBOT: *dives in pool*
MURDERBOT: shakes her in exasperation as he swims her to safety, which wakes her.
SISTER DOOFUS: WAKES WITH PANICKED FLAIL TO SIDE OF HEAD, KNOCKING MURDERBOT UNCONSCIOUS IN WATER
SISTER DOOFUS: Whoo! I am alive! I am – Murderbot? Murderbot?
SISTER DOOFUS: Oh dear.
MURDERBOT: *taken to hospital with Sister Doofus clinging to his hand*
MURDERBOT: *covers Sister Doofus’s hand with his free hand*
MURDERBOT: *uses last of strength to fling Sister Doofus’s hand away*
SISTER DOOFUS: Buddy you are back from hospital! U R AWESOME!
MURDERBOT: … stay away…
SISTER DOOFUS: All I hear when he talks is ‘murbly murbly death threat I am your friend! I will help you! Also I like to make funny faces!’
SISTER DOOFUS: is actually right on all counts.
MANAGER: Look stickers with the band’s faces!
EMO: Which is your favourite sticker, girlfriend who doesn’t know she’s my girlfriend or even that I know she’s a girl?
SISTER DOOFUS: Totally yours! You are smiling in it! I love smilies!
EMO: Oh yes my sekrit romantical plan… is working perfectly…
BLONDIE: Mine is smiley tooooooo.
SISTER DOOFUS: Definitely my second favrit!
MURDERBOT: *dies of affront*
SOME NEWS FOR SISTER DOOFUS FROM HER NEWLY DISCOVERED GOLD-DIGGER AUNT: Your mom’s dead.
SISTER DOOFUS: piteous weeping on balcony.
BLONDIE: I’ll go… get somebody…
EMO: What’s that you say Blondie? My sekrit girlfriend, in distress? Chaaaarge!
MURDERBOT: Crying. I see.
MURDERBOT: … I don’t… human feelings…
MURDERBOT: … still crying…
MURDERBOT: Ahem. Stop crying?
SISTER DOOFUS: *keeps crying*
MURDERBOT: I see. Um.
MURDERBOT: *sits down on the balcony with her and holds her*
MURDERBOT: *strokes her hair*
MURDERBOT: *is wearing a ring like a disco ball on his stroking hand. Of course*
Physical contact! Are you happy now, you touchy, touchy nun?
EMO: At last my laaaady… wut.
MANAGER: … Are you having an episode.
SISTER DOOFUS: I am okay.
MANAGER: I wasn’t talking to you! Murderbot, are you having a human feeling?
MURDERBOT: I… don’t… know exactly… Sister Doofus is upset and cannot do her press conference and needs to go home and talk to her aunt and process!
MURDERBOT: If she goes out looking like that everyone will totally think I abuse her. THIS IS TOTALLY SELF-SERVING.
SISTER DOOFUS: You are my BFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
MURDERBOT: I REFUSE TO HAVE ANOTHER FEELING! I REFUSE!
STYLIST: Let’s dress her up as a girl to sneak her out!
SISTER DOOFUS: *girl*
MURDERBOT: *has a quiet seizure in his soul*
SISTER DOOFUS: *spends her time, as is her wont, duckling-following him about the house* You have been so kind to me! WE ARE FRIANDS. You know back when you guys first started I thought you were the coolest one!
MURDERBOT: HEY! WHAT ABOUT NOW?!
HAIRDRESSER: This new haircut reminds me of when you guys first started the band!
SISTER DOOFUS: Cool haircut buddy!
MURDERBOT: I DIDN’T GET IT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID. I DID NOT.
EMO: Let’s go… to a restaraunt… with low lighting and talk… about a girl I like… someone very close to me…
SISTER DOOFUS: I am sure she’ll be thrilled to know a hot dude like you likes her. Mmm, juice!
ME: Oh no, Sister Doofus, no!
MURDERBOT: Mom, do you remember when I was six before I discovered guyliner and bitchface, and when I ate shrimp to please you and my throat all closed up?
MURDERMOM: Nope. Eat your shrimp. PS I want to cash in on your fame.
MURDERBOT: I gotta go to the bathroom to have an attack of allergies and feelings.
SISTER DOOFUS: Buddy… holy crap you look awful. Did you eat shrimp! Are you having a feeling! Let’s get you out of here!
EMO: I have been stood up for a date. The fact she did not know she was on one is no excuse. I am handsome and soulful! This is unpossible!
SISTER DOOFUS: Murderbot, we are lost.
MURDERBOT: I refuse to be lost.
SISTER DOOFUS: …
MURDERBOT: Some freak trying to find a ring in an artificial lake told me it was always possible to find stuff anyway.
SISTER DOOFUS: D’awwww. FRIANDS.
MURDERBOT: Behold the hotel! VICTORY! Time for my annual smile!
SISTER DOOFUS: ………………………..
MURDERBOT: why are you looking at me funny
SISTER DOOFUS: ……………………….
MURDERBOT: Can we go inside? What is up with you?
ME: I was steeled for her first to like Emo, due to the classic handsomeness and the romantical nature appealin’ to a young girl’s dreams!
ME: But Sister Doofus… really appears to be having a feeling about that smile…
GOLD-DIGGING AUNT: I have arrive to stay!
MANAGER: Sister Doofus can stay in a room with one of the boys! Which one do you pick, Sister Doofus?
MURDERBOT: I. WILL. KILL. YOU.
SISTER DOOFUS: Buddyyyyyy…
MURDERBOT: I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT NOW.
SISTER DOOFUS: I wanna stay with Murderbot…
MURDERBOT: I DECLINE.
SISTER DOOFUS: *puppy eyes*
MURDERBOT: Why has my life become this farce?
STYLIST: Here’s a taser in case he gets frisky.
SISTER DOOFUS: What do you mean?
STYLIST: Um. Nothin’.
SCENE: Guess whose sheets have sparkling sequins on them and whose have manly stripes!
SCENE: Guess whose pyjama top is scandalously low cut!
SCENE: If you haven’t guessed Murderbot’s are the sequins and the revealing night attire, you have not been paying attention.
MURDERBOT: YOU CAN’T SLEEP THERE.
SISTER DOOFUS: Buddy, I would never take your bed!
MURDERBOT: Shyeah. Damn right you wouldn’t. Go across the room, for heaven’s sake!
MURDERBOT: You cannot sleep right beside my bed it is UNSEEMLY I REALISE YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED BUT I AM A DUDE.
MURDERBOT: Also i sleep with the light on.
SISTER DOOFUS: *goes up to turn off his nightlight once he is asleep because she is wakeful*
SISTER DOOFUS: *distracted by sleeping face*
SISTER DOOFUS: Less murderful than usual.
SISTER DOOFUS: … I think… I should pray immediately…
SISTER DOOFUS: *accidentally tasers herself and falls on bed*
MANAGER: What the actual hell is this! Cuddling?
SISTER DOOFUS: *falls out of bed on waking*
AUNT: Wake up, Murderbot! *slaps him on the ass*
MURDERBOT: I wish to return this life and get the one that had some dignity involved back.
MANAGER: What happened! Did he assault her and she tasered him and fainted! DEAR GOD, did she assault HIM and taser him and cuddle his UNCONSCIOUS BODY?
MANAGER: Loath though I am to believe it of a woman of God, the second scenario is honestly more likely. Only way to get cuddles from Murderbot.
EMO: So how was sleeping over?
SISTER DOOFUS: Grate, grate.
EMO: Excellent. Does not sound like crush! *moony eyes* I got stood up last night but I think she liiiikes me
SISTER DOOFUS: I am sure she does!
EVIL ACTRESS: I have discover Sister Doofus’s secret! Bwhahahaha!
MURDERBOT: Is your car far from here?
EVIL ACTRESS: Ha, you think you can trash it? It is VERY FAR.
MURDERBOT: Excellent. *throws her shoes in a river*
EVIL ACTRESS: I will walk across fields to get my vengeance! I will – get hit in the face with a basketball. Oh, bloody nose. Oh, millions of people taking my picture and crowding me and I am hurt and…
MURDERBOT: C’mon. I wrap you in my jacket and save you.
EVIL ACTRESS: … I don’t understand.
MURDERBOT: Look it should be perfectly obvious by now that under my murderface I am a kittens and rainbows sweetheart.
EVIL ACTRESS: … how about we date.
MURDERBOT: I decline.
SISTER DOOFUS: I am dressed in ladyclothes goin’ to visit the nuns!
MURDERBOT: Where are you going! You can’t just leave! I WILL NOT PERMIT IT!
SISTER DOOFUS: Are you going to give me a lift there and back? Murderbot, that is so nice.
MURDERBOT: … that’s what I meant.
SISTER DOOFUS: Do you think I look nice with my hairclip and my wig and my dress?
MURDERBOT: … ridiculous.
SISTER DOOFUS: I sadly take out my hairclip and leave.
HAIRCLIP: I sadly break.
MURDERBOT: Shopkeep! I need a new hairclip… with pretty… and sparkles… Don’t make me choose one! I am trying not to have a feeling over here!
SISTER DOOFUS: Murderbot sure is takin’ his time getting back.
EMO: On the phone, why don’t I direct you around shopping and eating and follow behind you on… a date where you do not even know I am there!
SISTER DOOFUS: This is super fun!
EMO: And now turn around because… I am riiiiight behi…
SISTER DOOFUS: Oh Murderbot is on the phone I gotta jet.
EMO: But… I… Waiiiittttttt….
MURDERBOT: If you had time to go shopping why did you not just go back home?
SISTER DOOFUS: But then how could I have an awesome car trip back with you back to the home where we live together in the same room? I would miss you!
SISTER DOOFUS: That’s a beautiful hairclip! Is it your girlfriend’s?
MURDERBOT: It’s yours. Don’t–don’t look at me while I am trying to drive.
MURDERBOT: … put it on or something… unless you hate it or whatever… then throw it out the window… I don’t care.
SISTER DOOFUS: I am dressed as a boy so I can’t put on a sparkly hairclip. BUT! I LOVE IT! I WILL KEEP IT FOREVER! AND WEAR IT WHEN I AM A LADY AGAIN!
MURDERBOT: Whatever. What. Ever. I don’t care. I don’t.
EVIL ACTRESS: How about I expose Sister Doofus’s secret to the press!
MURDERBOT: I KISS YOU!
EVIL ACTRESS: Why are you kissing me for pretends? Seriously our lips are not even touching…
MURDERBOT: I got some issues. It looks like we are kissing to the press! And now you will be pleased and not expose Sister Doofus, because you have the publicity that you wanted, which is why you wanted to pretend to date, so everything is awesome, right?
EVIL ACTRESS: That’s not really why I wanted…
MURDERBOT: *robot blink*
EVIL ACTRESS: Pretending was not actually what I was after…
MURDERBOT: Don’t comprehend. Good day.
REST OF BAND INCLUDING SISTER DOOFUS: Congrats on the girlfriend!
MURDERBOT: Yes. This is a. Glorious day.
SISTER DOOFUS: Murderbot has a girlfriend! I wonder why… I am distraught…
EMO: All his fans are upset he has a girlfriend. Anyone who might possibly feel upset about that is just a big fan. Concerned about his music. And so forth. And et cetra. It doesn’t mean annnnnnyyyyyyyyything.
SISTER DOOFUS: Oh, awesome. Well, I’m just going to go lie under the piano until the funny feelings go away. ‘Scuse me.
MURDERBOT: Where are you? *hunts about* Why are you under the piano?
SISTER DOOFUS: … I am sad…
MURDERBOT: Oh lord. Feelings again. How about I play you a song?
SISTER DOOFUS: I am such a huge fan of you.
SISTER DOOFUS: I gotta go visit dad’s grave in the country. See you later, Murderbot, have fun with your girlfriend!
MURDERBOT: IT IS A TERRIBLE NUISANCE TO ME, BUT I WILL DRIVE YOU.
SISTER DOOFUS: Yaye! *grave visits*
MURDERBOT: Ah the serenity of the countryside. Time for some fey, fey tai chi.
MURDERBOT: Ah, a friendly rustic farmer. I will wave grandly to him.
MURDERBOT: He is shouting something about pigs.
MURDERBOT: … OH MY GOD.
SISTER DOOFUS: Murderbot, you ran away from the pig and got lost!
MURDERBOT: I avoided it. Avoided it. I didn’t run. And I didn’t scream.
SISTER DOOFUS: But I found you! Because I knew you would never take the dark path into the woods, and then that you would never walk down the road with trash in it, and then if you got muddy I knew you would want to clean your shoes, so I came to the river, and FOUND you. Easy peasy.
SISTER DOOFUS: It’s cool to take it slow cos you have the night blindness. Aren’t the stars pretty!
MURDERBOT: Can’t see them. Could be!
SISTER DOOFUS: The moon sucks cos it just reflects the sun, like me seemin’ like a rock star but not actually bein’ one.
MURDERBOT: I can only see the moon. Why are you trash-talking the moon? Jeez.
SISTER DOOFUS: I just like stars is all. And sometimes there is a really bright star… like your favourite star… like you want to look at it all the time…
MURDERBOT: Again, can’t see them, so, like, I guess.
SISTER DOOFUS: And if you liked the star, I mean, that would be okay, wouldn’t it? It wouldn’t do any harm! Just to like the star! That would be allowed, right? RIGHT?
MURDERBOT: Are you, um, crying?
SISTER DOOFUS: CAN I JUST PLEASE HAVE PERMISSION TO LIKE THE STAR?
MURDERBOT: Look I don’t know anything about stars… or human feelings… but you seem a little over-invested in stars, here.
MURDERBOT: Also I’m pretty sure the stars are – up there-?
MURDERBOT: This is a very intense conversation about astronomy. Please don’t cry.
MANAGER: Time to sing a song about unrequited love!
SISTER DOOFUS: *sings beautifully, runs off weeping*
MANAGER: O. M. G. She is in LOVE. With Emo!
MURDERBOT: *sneerl of misery*
MANAGER: Go to her! Do something! She’ll be comfy talking about it with you! She doesn’t see you as a man. She doesn’t even like your sticker.
MURDERBOT: So you should probably tell Emo you’re a girl. And then he’ll like you. And take you off my hands. And you’ll be happy. And it’ll be… awesome. Or something.
SISTER DOOFUS: if that’s what you want 🙁
MURDERBOT: Yes. I am ecstatic. 🙁
EMO: So if there was anything at all you wanted to tell me I am a good listener and a kind person. Some would call me ideal boyfriend material.
SISTER DOOFUS: You totally are! I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.
SISTER DOOFUS: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease can i just stay with you Murderbot please I promise I will be no trouble.
MURDERBOT: Yes… I suppose so. You are my hideous burden to bear.
EMO: I would be happ-
MURDERBOT: I said mine.
MANAGER: If you, er, were suffering from the pangs of unrequited love, like, hypothetically, you could push a pressure point on your nose to ease that down.
SISTER DOOFUS: k!
PHOTOSHOOT: Could you stare at Murderbot for a little bit.
SISTER DOOFUS: My job is awesome.
Photoshoot: Pelt him with leaves and maybe wrestle.
SISTER DOOFUS: AWESOME.
MURDERBOT: While unseemly and more messy than I might like, this is a little… I might be having fun… I’m not certain this is a good idea, but I’m going to try out a laugh…
MURDERBOT: WHY ARE YOU MAKING THAT RIDICULOUS FACE? ARE YOU MOCKING ME? ARE YOU MOCKING ME ABOUT THAT PIG? I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A NICE MOMENT!
MURDERBOT: omg my mum wants to have dinner with me on my birthhhhday she has never celebrated it with me beforrrrrre.
MURDERMOM: Hey this is a business dinner. I hate you and I always have that’s why I ran off with a songwriter.
ME: Oh no. OH NO. Murdermom is a famous singer…
ME: Like Sister Doofus’s…
ME: AND SISTER DOOFUS’S FATHER WAS A SONGWRITER…
MURDERBOT: I don’t know anything about that but I know my mom forgot my birthday and I am going to go off in my woman’s trench coat and silk leopardprint scarf and cry.
SISTER DOOFUS: Murderbot is crying the world is ending.
SISTER DOOFUS: Let’s celebrate your birthday you and me! I never saw any crying. Seaweed soup?
MURDERBOT: … ‘m allergic.
SISTER DOOFUS: Let’s flick the pogs of all the bandmembers around a playground! Hee, yours is the worst one!
MURDERBOT… it’s not…
SISTER DOOFUS: Can I do something and I don’t want you to hate it
MURDERBOT: … but I hate everything…
SISTER DOOFUS: HUGS
MURDERBOT: … but… why… the touching…
SISTER DOOFUS: Thank you for being born, this is a precious day!
MURDERBOT: I… am having… a feeling. But I don’t know what… it is.
MURDERBOT: Today you were pretty useful. In that – reminding me I have a soul and bringing the only light into my loveless life is… a use I guess.
EVIL ACTRESS: And now my plan to drench Sister Doofus with water making her… disguise… clear: ACTIVATE!
MURDERBOT: *wraps with tablecloth*
EVIL ACTRESS: At least I have stolen her hairpin!
MURDERBOT: I WILL BE TAKING THAT.
SISTER DOOFUS: About my hairclip-
MURDERBOT: Yes, I’ve-
SISTER DOOFUS: Good thing I lost it. So silly carrying it about with me always. Don’t want it anyway.
MURDERBOT: Oh. Okay. No… fine.
BLONDIE: Sister Doofus, super upset about his hairclip.
BLONDIE: Probably just pretending he didn’t want to find it.
MURDERBOT: …. Really?
MURDERBOT: But how do I give it back to her without showing that I ca… doing a nice th… making a fuss?
MURDERBOT: What if I craft a soft animal for her out of two animals we have in-jokes about and put the hairclip on the cuddly toy and leave it on her bed?
MURDERBOT: That is an ice-cool move. Cuddly toys = total indifference.
MURDERBOT: I am an evil genius.
PHOTOSHOOT: in which they all have to wear their signature colours!
EMO: So whose colour do you like best?
SISTER DOOFUS: Definitely yours.
MURDERBOT: I’m just going to go outside and have a moment.
SISTER DOOFUS: You okay, buddy?
MURDERBOT: NO! NO I AM NOT OKAY! Not that I care! But since you’re a girl!
SISTER DOOFUS: I am confuse.
MURDERBOT: The stickers and the pogs and the colours and you never, ever, ever choose me!
SISTER DOOFUS: …?
MURDERBOT: Could you not just lie just once? Could you not pick me, just ONCE?
SISTER DOOFUS: I’m sorry but your beautiful murderface so close to mine is really impeding my ability to have our very platonic stickers discussion.
EVIL ACTRESS: Are they… flirting?
MURDERBOT AND SISTER DOOFUS: Oh evil actress, if only either one of us knew that much about human interactions.
And that… is all I have watched. The Evil One has threatened me with dire things if I watch any without her. But obviously, I love it, and obviously, I hope that Murderbot and Sister Doofus are not siblings. (Nobody tell me whether or not they are siblings.)
It is a ridiculous show, and not just because of the hero’s fashion sense. But I love it, and it does stuff right. Don’t avoid clichés – use them, twist them to make a new shape and surprise people! And the conflict between characters comes from their characters. These people are in this situation because they are the people they are.
I know, characters create conflict, and you can subvert expectations to create something new–not breaking news. I mostly just wanted to tell you all a story. 😉
ETA: The title of the show is You’re Beautiful, it is available on Hulu, and apparently officially uploaded here.