When I scrambled out of the window, I found the sky black with night and the air wild with leaves. Ambrose stood on the very edge of our sloping roof, dancing and singing to the last wind of summer. There was a cobra wrapped around his waist, coiled against the brown skin just above his silk pajama pants. The snake’s domed head rested in the place where a belt buckle would be, its golden eyes shining like jewels. He was holding a second cobra like a microphone, the scaly tail wrapped around his wrist. He sang right into its fanged open mouth, as he swayed and spun as if the slope of the roof and our gutter was a dance floor. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, but he was wearing a velvet dressing gown, and it flared around him as he spun. Ambrose danced with the leaves, danced with the winds, danced with the whole night. Leaves whirled down around him like confetti, and the wind hissed like a thousand more snakes.
I cupped my hands around my mouth and called out: “I’ve heard the term snake-hipped, but this seems ridiculous!”
My cousin turned, and with his turn the high winds died away from our house. The illusions of the cobras faded away to nothing. Ambrose dropped me a wink.
“I embrace the figurative,” said Ambrose. “Literally. Welcome home, Sabrina. How’s the wicked outside world?”
When I was much younger, I used to follow my cousin around the house pestering him to show me more magic, tell me another joke, pick me up and spin me around. I thought he was the coolest person in the world. I always used to ask why Cousin Ambrose couldn’t come out and play with me in the woods. Aunt Hilda explained to my uncomprehending six-year-old self that he was trapped in the house because he was being punished.
“Know that his punishment was unfair, Sabrina, and we must love him all the more to make up for that,” she’d told me. “It’s natural when you’re full of youthful exuberance to play little tricks like teasing girls, crashing carriages, drowning sailors, burning cities, ending civilizations and so forth and so on. Boys will be boys.”
It was years before I found out what he’d actually done.
The spell confining Ambrose to our house has been in place for decades longer than I’ve been alive. He’s always been here for me, haunting the house like a friendly ghost. When I was little, he was the ideal playmate, making my dolls move by themselves and my toys whizz about the room with avuncular indulgence. Now I’m older, I suppose he’s more like my big and ever-so-slightly bad brother, willing to gossip about boys with me all day long. Or girls, if I ever wanted. It doesn’t matter to Ambrose.
My aunt, who lovingly cooks up eyeball dishes. My cousin, the smooth magic criminal. We’re not really a traditional family.
I shrugged and walked carefully down the slope of the roof to stand beside him. “The world’s pretty much as always.”
“Really? From all I hear, seems like the world is drastically altering. Climate change, warlock rights activists… sounds horrible.” Ambrose’s voice was wistful. “I wish I could see it for myself.”
“Cheer up. Our town’s pretty much as always. Nothing changes in Greendale.”
“You can’t lie to me, Sabrina, I know you far too well. Also,” Ambrose said blandly, “I put a spell on you so that if you lie to me, your nose will turn purple.”
Ambrose grinned, a flash of white teeth in the dark. “Am I? Guess we’ll see. But for now, tell me your troubles. Unleash every bee in your bonnet. Cousin Ambrose is all ears.”
I hesitated. From our rooftop, I could see almost our whole small town, and the woods. The woods stretch on so far, dark and deep. I shivered and Ambrose put an arm around me,
“Is it your Dark Baptism? Is it your mortal friends? Wait, no. I bet it’s Harvey.”
There was an edge to my voice. “Why do you think it’s Harvey?”
Ambrose’s arm tightened around my shoulders. “Wild guess. I’m wild, and I’m always guessing. And I know how much you like him. Mind you, I’m not saying I see the attraction. Personally, I prefer my golden boys slightly tarnished.”
I poked him in the side. Ambrose laughed, and unlooped his arm from my shoulders. Ambrose doesn’t hold onto anything for very long.
“So, what’s with your boy? Is he in an artistic sorrowful phase? Sweet Satan in a ballgown, I hope he hasn’t started calling you his muse.”
I thought it over before I answered. There was a worn air about Harvey sometimes, as if he cared too much and had to bear too much.
“He’s sad sometimes. His dad and his brother both work in the mines, and his dad keeps pushing him to take some shifts down there too. His dad talks a lot about the family business and the family legacy, but Harvey doesn’t want to be trapped down there in the dark.”
“Good news, Harvey, mining is a dying industry!” announced Ambrose. His voice more thoughtful, he added: “Though things don’t stay dead in our town.”
“We saw—I feel so dumb saying this, but we saw a really beautiful girl at the edge of the woods. I wondered if Harvey thought she was better-looking than me.”
“Impossible,” Ambrose said. “Ridiculous. Wait, did you get a picture of this gorgeous specimen? Show me, and I’ll tell you the truth, trust me. Well… you can’t trust me. But show me anyway.”
I hit my cousin in the arm. “Thanks very much. You’re so helpful.”
We both sat down on the slope of the roof. Ambrose stretched out his legs wildly over the edge. I hugged my knees, pulling my skirt primly down past them.
“You think Harvey might be faithless?” asked Ambrose. “I’ll cast a spell on him so it feels like his wandering eyes are melting.”
“No! Ambrose! You wouldn’t!”
I twisted about and glared at him. In Ambrose’s wide dark eyes there was a darker glint for a moment, but the shadow passed.
“Of course not, I’m joking. I’d just do a hilarious and ultimately harmless spell, because I’m a sweetheart. Don’t I look like a sweetheart?”
I raised an eyebrow. Ambrose grinned, all teeth. I made a throat-cutting gesture with my thumb, and Ambrose pressed a hand to his heart as if deeply wounded.
“I guess… I just wish I could be sure of him,” I mumbled. “I always wanted to find a great love, like Mom and Dad did. But I feel like to have a great love, the other person has to love you back.”
My mother was a mortal, and my father was one of the most powerful among the witches. I can’t imagine how much he must have loved her, to marry her and have me. If your parents have a life-altering love, how do you measure up?
“There’s a spell for that, you know. Do you have some of Harvey’s hair?”
My mouth fell open.
“No I do not have his hair! And no, Ambrose, I do not want to cast a love spell on my man and one of my best friends since childhood, like a total creep, thanks for asking.”
I spoke in my most severe and Aunt-Zelda-ish tones. Ambrose waved a hand in an airy gesture. Leaves fluttered toward him, as if they were butterflies that loved him and might alight in his palm.
“I didn’t mean a love spell. I’m not a big fan of them myself. They make everything too easy, and I like a challenge. You and I both are so cute, Sabrina, anyone suggesting a love spell would be insulting. But there is a spell that might open his eyes to how wonderful you are. Teenage boys can be so blind. Trust me, I was one for… oh, half a century at least.”
Ambrose looks as if he’s in his early twenties now. He seemed really grown-up to me when I was little. I believed my cousin knew everything. Sometimes, I still do.
I could do the spell. I haven’t come into my full power yet, and I don’t have my own grimoire, but I can do simple spells. My aunts and Ambrose are always ready to help me with magic, and have taught me everything they could, but they tell me it’s nothing to the lessons I’ll learn after my Dark Baptism when I start going to the Academy of Unseen Arts with the other witches.
I don’t want to leave my school or my friends, but I do want to learn more magic.
“It’s tempting,” I admitted.
“Temptations often are.”
If I did the spell Ambrose suggested, I could be sure of Harvey. Irresistibly into my mind crept the notion of Harvey gazing at me, wide eyed, forgetting everything else in the world. There were only two months of mortal school before I had to leave, but I could be sure of him in the time we had left. I banished the private vision with an effort.
“I don’t know,” I said at last. “Casting a spell on Harvey, for nothing but my own benefit—it doesn’t seem right.”
“As you wish. You’re such a good girl.” Ambrose shrugged. “Sometimes I wonder how you’re ever going to make a wicked witch.”
“Yeah,” I whispered to the wind, too softly for even Ambrose to hear. “Me too.”
Daughter of Chaos
“Wait!” said Nick Scratch. “Help me.”
It was the last thing he’d expected Nick to say.
Harvey stopped trying to shove the door closed. “What do you mean?”
“I helped you on the night the ghosts came. You owe me, mortal.”
Harvey bit his lip. “I know. But how could someone like me help someone like you? I can’t do any magic.”
“The way you looked at me earlier, before you turned away,” Nick said. “It’s the same way Sabrina looks at me, as if she can’t believe what I just said. Witches have always liked what I had to say before now. I’m not a fool. I can tell I’m doing something wrong, but I have no idea what it is.”
There was a silence, in which Harvey leaned against the door and weighed Nick’s words.
It was a strange revelation, that Nick Scratch might be sincere.
“So you . . . really don’t know what you’re saying is horrifying?”
Nick frowned. “Why would it be horrifying?”
“Huh,” said Harvey. “Okay.”
Roz had explained to Harvey that misunderstanding other people’s cultures was hurtful. It was like when you stepped on somebody’s foot. You should apologize and stop doing it before you did anything else.
Witches weren’t the same as persecuted minorities, but if Harvey was misunderstanding Nick, he felt bad.
“I’m sorry,” said Harvey. “I think we’re having communication issues. The way you talk about Sabrina is normal for witches?”
“I have a friend who thinks I’m not coming on strong enough,” said Nick. “Do you think that’s the problem?”
“I do not think that’s the problem!”
The words burst from Harvey without his permission, but with extreme conviction. He saw Nick smirk.
“See. I knew it. Tell me what I should do.”
“Witches must do things really differently from mortals,” Harvey said, still shaken. “Maybe you’re flirting with Sabrina in a witch way, but—but Sabrina went to school with mortals. She’s used to being friends with mortals.”
Nick caught on fast. “And dating mortals.”
“Dating me,” said Harvey. “Yeah.”
The words were heavy as stones in his mouth. Harvey used to dream they would be together always.
Now always was over.
For Sabrina, there was bound to be someone else.
That didn’t mean Harvey had to be involved. He looked at his own hand, fingers curled tight around the edge of the door. He could close the door and pretend none of this was happening.
Nick reached out and laid a hand on his arm.
“Listen,” Nick said, in his oddly low voice. “I know you hate witches for killing that boy, your brother. But I didn’t have anything to do with it. And you and Sabrina, you love each other, the way mortals do. Right? I’m worth keeping. I’m smart, I’m strong, and I’ll do anything she asks. Having me by her side will help her. Give me a chance.”
Harvey almost didn’t hear him over the roaring in his ears. Witches killed that boy. Your brother.
Oh, he’d known magic was evil. He’d always sensed something strange lurking beneath the surface of Greendale. He’d seen what he now knew was a demon in the mines, long ago.
Harvey had spent years trying to make sense of what he’d seen, trying to turn horror into art. Then horror came to his home and took his brother. He was so scared of magic, and Sabrina was living in a world of magic now.
He was terrified of what might happen to her there.
He wanted to hide from magic forever, but he couldn’t let anyone else he loved get hurt.
Nick was one of the witches, and kind of a jackass, but he’d come to their house to protect Harvey and his father. From what Harvey gathered, when the evil ghosts came, the other witches had holed up somewhere safe. Nick had put himself in real danger to do as Sabrina asked.
There was a chance Nick might be a good guy. Harvey was certain there must be a lot of magic boys at Sabrina’s other school who liked Sabrina. They might not be good guys. Harvey didn’t know what was happening at that Academy, and he couldn’t be there to support Sabrina. Nick could.
Harvey hated the idea of Sabrina with someone else. The mere thought made his stomach tip and roll as if he were on the sea in a storm, made him actually want to throw up.
But he hated the thought of her alone and in danger even more. If there was any way for him to help Sabrina, he wanted to do whatever he could.
He hesitated. “Do you really like Sabrina?”
Nick said: “Yes.”
“I’m not promising anything. And I don’t want you making fun of me with any more weird jokes. But I guess I could teach you about the mortal way to court someone. If you want to learn.” The words almost stuck in his throat, but he forced them out. “Sabrina deserves to be treated right.”
Harvey was a pretty quiet guy, always afraid he’d say something dumb and be embarrassed or say something mean and be ashamed, but Nick wanted Harvey to tell him what to do.
“I’m a quick study,” Nick said, moving to come inside.
Harvey rolled his eyes. “Could the first thing you study be boundaries?”
Nick appeared genuinely bewildered. “What about boundaries?”
“Well,” said Harvey, “it would be nice if you had some. You do realize you keep trying to barge into my house without an invitation.”
This seemed to startle Nick. The wind howled, as though outraged a witch might be denied entry into a mortal’s home.
“If a witch didn’t want someone to come in, they’d lay protection spells on their threshold.”
“Okay,” said Harvey. “But I can’t do that. What would you say to a witch with, uh, protection spells on their threshold?”
“I’d ask if I was welcome,” Nick answered slowly. “If I was, the witch would say ‘Come in out of the cold.’”
There was a long pause. Harvey made a gesture for Nick to continue.
Nick hesitated, his brows pulling together for a dark moment. Harvey got the impression witches didn’t get told what to do by mortals often. It was possible Nick might storm off.
Instead, Nick began to smile. He tapped his knuckles lightly against the open door.
“So, farm boy,” he drawled. “Am I welcome?”
Love in the Time of Satanism
A Parody of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Part 1
SABRINA: I am a perky blonde teen girl with magical powers, who lives with my aunts in a Gothical house!
AUDIENCE: Ah yes, a tale as old as time.
SABRINA: Our powers come from Satan.
AUDIENCE: … come again?
SABRINA: We live in a funeral home and only the Dark Lord KNOWS what we are doing with the corpses!
AUDIENCE: Go big or go funeral home!
SABRINA: As the time when I must commit my soul to Satan grows nigh, I’m having doubts.
AUNT HILDA: All I ever want for you is happiness.
AUNT ZELDA: All I ever want for you is to worship the Dark Lord adopt a suitable goblin companion as a familiar, and take me as your style icon and dress like an evil secretary pin-up.
SABRINA: Well, I’ll take these wise words under advisement.
AMBROSE: Dear Sabrina, as your immortally hot cousin who is under permanent house arrest for magic crimes, yes selling your soul to Satan is a big commitment, but have you considered… immortal hotness with magic powers, and being surrounded by other immortal hotties with magic powers.
AMBROSE: Just saying. Might be fun.
SABRINA: And do you think you make all good life choices?
AMBROSE: I plead the Devil’s Fifth: I refuse to answer on the grounds I’m already incriminated.
SABRINA: My mother was mortal so my aunties sent me to mortal school and at my mortal school I acquired my favorite teacher Ms Wardwell…
MS WARDWELL: Don’t get too fond of me.
SABRINA: Ominous. And my best friend Roz…
ROZ: I’m the preacher’s daughter.
SABRINA: So that’s awkward. And Susie…
SUSIE: Am I a tomboy or do I have gender identity issues?
SABRINA: We’ll be exploring that. And of course… my boyfriend, Harvey.
HARVEY (shyly): I love you Sabrina.
SABRINA: omg. Do you? I love you also!
HARVEY (quietly): yay
SABRINA: Time to have a magic dance party of being IN LOVE! Surely nothing nightmarish will shortly occur.
MS WARDWELL: instantly slain and body hijacked by a villainous demon lady, acquires fantastic blow-out.
AUDIENCE: Look I don’t want to have a demon kill me and steal my face but if she gave me a really bomb makeover that would win her back some points.
MS WARDWELL: From now on I am but a face for Lilith, the Mother of Demons.
LILITH: And what a face! Let me just accentuate these cheekbones with evil mood lighting.
GOBLIN SHADOW IN SABRINA’S ROOM: I watched you in the shadowy woods and am now lurking in a corner of your bedroom.
SABRINA: This seems pretty alarming!
GOBLIN SHADOW: *turns into a cat*
SABRINA: … I meant to say pretty adorable!
AUDIENCE WHO WATCHED THE SHOW ‘SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH’: Salem! Salem! SALEM! Hail Salem! Salem our lord and savior! Salem king!
AUDIENCE WHO DIDN’T: Aw, eldritch kitty.
WEIRD SISTERS: We are Prudence, Agatha and Dorcas, not biologically related, but orphaned witch girls with an eerie bond.
WEIRD SISTERS: We will be the mean girls of this enterprise.
WEIRD SISTERS: But we will not be cheerleaders.
WEIRD SISTERS: Though we are spiritually cheerleaders for Satan.
WEIRD SISTERS: Our style aesthetic is ‘if the Puritans went Goth and invented the miniskirt.’
SABRINA: We’re frenemies, I guess you’d say!
PRUDENCE: I think I’d use a shorter word. Think you’ll enjoy attending the Academy of Unseen Arts with us?
SABRINA: … maybe not.
SABRINA: So I’m a witch and I might have to leave you and attend witch school—
HARVEY: I’m deeply insecure and I just heard the words ‘leave you’ attached to a very far-fetched story and I’m freaking out–
SABRINA: Is now the time to calmly explain further?
SABRINA: NO! For I am also insecure about our relationship! I mean, I make all good decisions. Now is the time to wash these memories from your brain with a chant and a make-out.
HARVEY: Kissing is magic?
SABRINA: That’s how memory charms work. I don’t make the rules.
SABRINA: … But I think I should.
SABRINA: This is really a very difficult decision.
SABRINA: Personal autonomy…
SABRINA: True love…
SABRINA: High school party vs dark ritual in woods…
AMBROSE: IMMORTAL HOTTIES!
HARVEY, A Sweet Boyfriend: oh hi Sabrina’s wicked cousin, wanna come to a high school party?
AMBROSE, Too Cool for High School Parties & Under Occult House Arrest: I’d be banished to the nether realms.
HARVEY: Um…is that, like, a sex thing?
SABRINA: I ran from my high school party to my satanic ritual! Time management is key.
COVEN: Please sign your soul away in an orderly fashion.
SABRINA: My name is Sabrina Spellman and I WILL NOT SIGN IT AWAY!
SABRINA: Sorry aunties, I just came to the dark ritual to make a dramatic statement.
SABRINA: Running for the hills and personal autonomy! Running fast!
ENTIRE COVEN: in pursuit
SABRINA: … running faster…
SABRINA: Run like the devil is after you, Sabrina Spellman, because he is. And he brought friends.
AMBROSE: Thou shalt not pass, coven!
AMBROSE: Look I think you should go the immortal hotties, route, Sabrina, but I would lay down my life to defend you.
AUDIENCE: D’awwww, wicked cousin Ambrose.
ZELDA: I’ve brought the leader of our coven to talk sense into you, Sabrina.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Satanism is cool, kids.
AUDIENCE: I get a weird vibe from this priest of Satan with the fancy cloak and matching eyeliner. Dunno what it is but not sure if I fully trust him? Maybe it’s the fangs.
MORTAL SCHOOL: Whoa check out Ms Wardwell’s makeover! Maybe she’s born with it…
LILITH: Maybe it’s Satan.
ROZ: Can you believe that this book has been banned from our school library? Censorship is the worst and also, unrelated but it’s the principle of the thing, I’m going blind!
HARVEY: I’m outraged, this book is a timeless classic!
SUSIE: Let’s use the power of our newly established four-person feminist organization to protest this!
SABRINA: When that fails, I’m going to use the power of witchcraft to fill the principal’s house with spiders!
ROZ, HARVEY AND SUSIE: … That was weird the way that happened.
LILITH: What if I sent an animated scarecrow after Sabrina?
SALEM: What if I tore it apart?
AUDIENCE: Salem! Salem king! Speak to us Salem!
HARVEY: Oh Sabrina u got a new kitty. Hi kitty.
AUDIENCE: I know Salem is sassing him. I FEEL it.
MORTAL BOYS: bother Susie
SUSIE: I will FITE them!
SABRINA: … with dark enchantments!
AUDIENCE: We feel it is established Sabrina really wishes to be helpful and that is an admirable personality trait which may soon decimate lives!
SABRINA: Pls aid me in my quest for vengeance against mortal men.
WEIRD SISTERS: We know what the boys like… high lace collars, lipstick dark as our souls, and blackmail.
BOYS: We don’t, in fact, like that last one.
WEIRD SISTERS: Huh. Don’t care.
SABRINA: I feel I have learned a valuable lesson. Magic can solve all my problems!
BOYS: We also feel we have learned a valuable lesson. Don’t follow people down mine shafts, no matter how sexy those people might be.
AMBROSE: A dead warlock has arrived at the funeral home and I have adopted his lizard. Diagnosis, maybe killed by witch-hunters?
AMBROSE: Witch-hunters are a real and pressing concern.
AMBROSE: But will that soon be plot-relevant? Who knows! Off to pet new lizard friend.
HARVEY: I would like to get a job in a bookshop!
HIS FATHER, MR ‘THE LIVING WORST’ KINKLE: Quick question, why are you garbage?
HARVEY (quietly): don’t know
MR KINKLE: No son of MINE will be working in a store peddling the devil’s written word! Sons of MINE will put the mine in ‘MINE.’
HARVEY: That’s literally the same word.
MR KINKLE: Less backchat, more being tough strong gruff and hard-drinking!
MR KINKLE: No sensitive artist types in this home.
MR KINKLE: I’m just going to keep roughing you up and moulding you into a different shape until your heart dies, k?
TOMMY KINKLE: Hi little bro. Hi nerd.
HARVEY: shy smile
TOMMY: I like your freaky art.
HARVEY (quietly): thanks Tommy
AUDIENCE: That sure is the one beautiful supportive familial relationship in Harvey’s life…
AUDIENCE: Sure would be a shame if anything HAPPENED to it…
ZELDA: So Satan is suing you for breach of contract.
SABRINA: I need a lawyer to fight the devil.
LAWYER: I don’t want you as a client but I am compelled by the power of that snappy line to hear you out…
HARVEY: Sabrina, I saw a devil in the mines as a child and I have been haunted by it ever since!
SABRINA: … devils? Wow I have never… in all my born days… heard of such a thing. What even… IS a devil?
SABRINA: I’m definitely not being sued by Satan right now, if that’s what you’re asking!
HARVEY: Uh. It wasn’t.
AMBROSE: So here I am a dead warlock’s funeral with a stranger. Must make small talk.
AMBROSE: Would you like to come upstairs and see my lizard?
NEW GUY LUKE: … wow you are lucky you are handsome.
LUKE: I see we have mutual interests: getting lucky, being warlocks, maybe killing lizard familiars…
LUKE: Or possibly that last one’s just me.
AMBROSE: yay, getting lucky!
SABRINA: I’m taking off my clothes in the woods! I love and trust you Harvey! Please tell me if I have a witch mark, for legal reasons.
HARVEY: Not where I thought this was going but I cherish u, u birthmark-obsessed loon.
ZELDA: I’m deeply vexed, so I’m going to vent by murdering Hilda, then resurrecting her in our magic grave!
HILDA: Family is murder.
AMBROSE: Sometimes I worry we’re teaching Sabrina bad lessons about magic fixing all our problems and the impermanence of death…
AMBROSE: Oh well. Surely this will never come back to bite us!
AMBROSE: In say, a zombie-like fashion. Just for example.
LAWYER: I’d like to argue that there is a previous claim on Sabrina’s soul, as her Aunt Hilda tells me she was… I don’t mean to upset anyone with a fragile constitution in the audience, but… secretly baptized in a… please brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen… church.
COVEN:… *collective gasp*
COVEN: Hilda, we are shaken to our very cores to hear that you would do something like Christian baptism to an innocent baby!!!
FATHER BLACKWOOD: You are excommunicated from this coven, Hilda.
ZELDA: I am so deeply shamed.
LAWYER: Anyway now Sabrina will attend both mortal and witch school.
SABRINA: I have learned I can have the best of both worlds with no consequences!
LAWYER: I couldn’t hear that revelation over the sound of my soul getting eaten by Satan.
SABRINA: Well, I’m off to witch school, I mean… a honey festival.
HARVEY: But u r already so sweet.
ROZ & SUSIE: *retching noises*
ROZ & SUSIE: can it Romeo
ROZ & SUSIE: we blame Harvey for the incessant PDA as we all know he is the tender flower of romance around here!
ROZ: Let’s have a girls’ night at your place, Susie.
SUSIE: The face I’m making is not about my gender identity but about the fact my uncle currently appears to be possessed, I mean, having a breakdown that SEEMS oddly like demonic possession…
SUSIE: But I’m sure there’s no need to fret!
SABRINA: Witch school is menacing and festooned with ghost children and satanic statuary! That seems about the right aesthetic.
SABRINA: aces a solo for the Infernal Choir.
LADY BLACKWOOD, CHOIRMISTRESS AND WIFE OF FATHER BLACKWOOD: Haha, solo competition for Prudence. I don’t like Prudence.
PRUDENCE: Wow, screw Sabrina Spellman.
HERETOFORE UNSEEN INFERNAL CHOIRBOY: … I’m gonna try.
INFERNAL CHOIRBOY: Heyyy pretty lady. My name is Nicholas Scratch-
AUDIENCE: His name is WHAT!
NICK SCRATCH: As I said, hello my name is Nicholas Scratch, my hobbies include books, black clothing, books, foursomes, threesomes, but good news, also twosomes, I’m here to—
SABRINA: Audition for the role of my bad boy love interest?
NICK SCRATCH: Witches are cool, not subtle.
NICK SCRATCH: Actually I’m a big fan of your dad’s writings! Very modern and forward-thinking.
SABRINA: I’m enjoying our talk about magic homework.
NICK SCRATCH: Me too! Also I was the boyfriend of all 3 of your witch frenemies at once.
SABRINA: How do you even find time to study? Surely this is affecting your witch GPA!
NICK SCRATCH (deeply shocked): Oh no! I would never let group sex affect my witch GPA.
AUDIENCE: His name is WHAT! Still not over it!
LILITH: why does Sabrina’s soul not yet belong to our dark master?
LILITH: I mean this entirely literally: chop chop
FATHER BLACKWOOD: wow I’m very busy, expecting a baby, also a shipment of gold-encrusted cravats…
LILITH: u know what they say. Never send a high priest of Satan to do a demoness’ job.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: who says that…?
LILITH: Murdering innocents, corrupting souls, I have to do everything myself.
ROZ: Haha so, Susie’s uncle appears to have become possessed, I mean, had a shock in the mines.
HARVEY: In the demon-infested mines?
HARVEY: … I should go there.
SABRINA: Harvey I must insist that you don’t become involved in the plot.
HARVEY: I do what I like.
SABRINA: … Also don’t steal my lines, muffin.
AMBROSE: So I’m under occult house arrest because I tried to blow up the Vatican, and if I stay in this café too long tiny birds will carry my soul to perdition.
LUKE: … this is not your typical first date.
ROZ AND HARVEY: witness some unsettling possessed behavior at Susie’s place.
SABRINA: Let me run in and cure this case of possession real quick!
SUSIE, ROZ AND HARVEY: … that was weird how that happened.
LILITH: Let me kill this formerly possessed man so he doesn’t clue anyone in to my evil plans to lure Sabrina into a world of darkness.
SUSIE: Alas, Uncle Jesse, I hardly knew ye.
AUDIENCE: The poor mortals are deeply disadvantaged by the fact they are Superman’s Girlfriend and don’t know about the secret world, so whenever they appear the plot has to go hide. We’re watching the show for Sabrina’s Chilling Adventures, and the mortals currently have no chill.
AUDIENCE: Also the world of magic may soon kill them all.
NICK SCRATCH: I know what the ladies like.
NICK SCRATCH: … Forbidden literature.
NICK SCRATCH: May I provide you with an illicit journal?
SABRINA: Down the basement, lock the cellar door, and oh baby, talk banned books to me.
NICK SCRATCH: Pls enjoy this book written by your father which may help you solve eldritch riddles. Also I tucked inside the pages an application I filled out to be your bad boy love interest.
SABRINA: … that was very thoughtful.
SABRINA: I used this forbidden book to open a magic box and accidentally unleash a dream demon on my whole family, giving them all revelatory dreams!
ZELDA: I dreamed my sister stayed dead after I killed her, so I’ll stop doing that.
HILDA: I think I would like more freedom?
AMBROSE: I DEFINITELY would like more freedom.
LILITH/MS WARDWELL: Let me help you with this dream demon. I’m a witch too, and I could be your mentor, like Evil Wan Kenobi!
SABRINA: Obi Wan Kenobi?
LILITH/MS WARDWELL: That’s what I said.
SABRINA: I too have learned a valuable lesson from this dream episode! Ms Wardwell and Nicholas Scratch seem like two trustworthy and helpful people.
AUDIENCE: Sabrina pls his name is NICHOLAS SCRATCH!
AUDIENCE: I spy a bad boy love interest and ye olde traditional love triangle coming our way…
SABRINA: Thanks for that book Nick! Also I read your application to be my bad boy love interest, and you were in my demon dream, and I’m flattered but I have a boyfriend and teen love triangles lead to much strife and unhappiness–
NICK SCRATCH: May I present to you, the Satanic solution to love triangles.
NICK SCRATCH: Two boyfriends.
NICK SCRATCH: No waiting.
AUDIENCE: lol Sabrina’s face
AUDIENCE: ok bad boy love interest, you have our attention.
HILDA: Now I’ve been expelled from the coven, I guess I’ll get ME a job in a bookstore.
DR CERBERUS: Hello I am the owner of the bookstore. Am I your love interest? Do I have a dark secret? Do I always wear this cape?
HILDA: All signs point to ‘yes.’
FATHER BLACKWOOD: On special Satanic occasions I jazz up my cravat with a brocade cloak. The Dark Lord deserves my every stylin effort.
AMBROSE: I’ve been wearing PJs for 72 years.
AMBROSE: I’m sad that Luke doesn’t want a second date.
HILDA: Have a foam cappuccino with extra love potion, I mean whip, Luke.
AUDIENCE: See this is why our relatives shouldn’t set us up. They mean well, but then your aunt pours love potion in a dude’s coffee, so the dude isn’t really into you and also may be a Secret Lizard Killer. And you don’t know about the coffee OR the lizard.
LUKE: I love u now Ambrose.
LUKE: Pls join me in Father Blackwood’s all-male organization.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: there’s talking mice and freedom in it for you.
FATHER BLACKWOOD (mutters): also we oppress women.
AMBROSE: Did you say ‘undress women’? I’m in for undressing all the genders! Undressing women sounds great!
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Well we do that too. Sometimes.
SABRINA’S AUNTS: Did we ever tell u about our sacred tradition of cannibal thanksgiving?
ROZ’S GRANDMA: Did I ever tell u about our sacred tradition of being lady psychics? #roughfamilyholidays
ROZ’S GRANDMA: So witches cursed our line to see the future and go blind, which is why you’re going blind.
ROZ: go easy on the hooch, grams, k?
SUSIE: Hmm having visions of my ghost ancestor Dorothea, who regularly wore men’s clothing.
SUSIE: Hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me.
SUSIE: Then again…
SABRINA: I wonder if my stern Satan-worshipping Aunt Zelda would let me be eaten in a satanic cannibalistic ritual. Well, time to put myself in the lottery to be eaten. Only way to find out!
ZELDA: Satan grant me patience.
SABRINA: You will need it!
COVEN: The lottery says… Prudence will be Queen of the Feast! And until we ritually murder Prudence, Sabrina will serve Prudence as her handmaiden.
SABRINA: Sometimes being eaten in a cannibalistic ritual… is better…
PRUDENCE: appears in the doorway of the Spellman house
PRUDENCE: Game recognizes game.
AMBROSE: Legends only.
PRUDENCE: I hunt mortal boys for sport, I am beautiful and merciless as the dawn!!! Also I want love and acceptance, and I have instant deep appreciation for Ambrose.
AUDIENCE: It ok! Prudence has her reasons!
SABRINA: Huh, funny noises are coming from Ambrose’s room, let me investigate…
SABRINA: There’s Ambrose. And Luke. And… Prudence.
SABRINA: All the Weird Sisters, in fact. And Nick Scratch.
SABRINA: … Not a lot of clothing, though.
SABRINA: Nope, not much clothing at all.
NICK SCRATCH: omigosh it’s Sabrina! Hey Sabrina! Omigosh! Join us.
SABRINA: … scandalized to the depths of my pastel pjs…
PRUDENCE: Either join us or leave, but either way close the door, there’s a shocking draft.
SABRINA: I exit, as though pursued by sexy bears!
NICK SCRATCH: I miss you already!
PRUDENCE: Head in the game, Nicholas, please. Make it count. Some of us are being sacrificed in the morning.
NICK SCRATCH: Dear diary I spoke to my crush today! I told her she could totally have her mortal boyfriend and me too! Then I invited her to an orgy her cousin was also at! Where am I going wrong… it a mystery…
NICK SCRATCH: I suggested we do something wildly kinky and spend some sexy time one on one. I went too far there I know. She gave me a very stern look. How to make it up to her? I guess supportive affection & maybe a bouquet of whips & black roses?
AUDIENCE: Someone help Nick Scratch. He Is Trying.
AUDIENCE: On the other hand he should be locked up on the strength of his name alone.
SABRINA: You have so much to live for! You’ll see, if you come to mortal school and hang out!
PRUDENCE: I believe you are highly overestimating the compelling nature of mortal high school, but ok.
HARVEY: Hi Sabrina! Hi Sabrina’s new terrifying cousin with fantastic winged eyeliner! Anyway, I’m troubled my family historically stole their mine and genocided some… get this… ‘witches’ because we have a family tradition of being… apparently… ‘witch-hunters’?
HARVEY: So sad.
HARVEY: And it’s not like witches are even real.
SABRINA: Haha Harvey, so true.
PRUDENCE: Turns out mortal school is VERY EDUCATIONAL.
WITCH THANKSGIVING DINNER PARTY: turns into a mess of sexy secrets and murder secrets.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: So Prudence is my illegitimate daughter and my wife is trying to kill her.
AMBROSE: for the wild gossip I am receiving and the copious quantities of alcohol I am consuming may Satan make me truly thankful…
SABRINA: Nice that Prudence isn’t getting killed in a cannibalistic ritual but I still have one question…
ZELDA: okay I admit it!
ZELDA: I would never let one of my family members be eaten in a cannibalistic ritual for Satan! I am a disgrace to the Church of Night! I am brimful of disgusting emotions that I must hide at all cost! I am SO ASHAMED. Are you happy now?
PRUDENCE: Maybe Sabrina is OK after all and maybe murder is not the solution to every single one of life’s problems.
WEIRD SISTERS: Prudence is babbling nonsense.
WEIRD SISTERS: Time to kill some witch-hunters!
SABRINA: So your dad and your grandpa, the witch-hunters, took you and your brother into a grove of goblin familiars, and then what?
HARVEY: Are you asking if I shot Bambi?
SABRINA: … maybe so…
HARVEY: Sabrina I basically AM Bambi.
HARVEY: The idea of hurting creatures horrifies me!
HARVEY: My brother Tommy did it for me.
SABRINA: Hope that one won’t come back to bite us.
SABRINA: In say, a zombie-like fashion. Just for example.
SABRINA: Harvey Harvey Harvey! I’m so sorry witches collapsed a mine on your head and that your brother among many others were slain! And that only the protection spell I cast on you stopped you from being killed too! And that my many secrets constantly endanger your very life!
HARVEY: Did what you just said make no sense, or am I concussed from a mine falling on my head?
SABRINA: I love you deeply! I’ve never had any ambiguously sexy dreams about magical bad boy love interests!
HARVEY: I’m… glad to hear that?
HARVEY: … Very sad my brother is dead tho.
HARVEY: Especially since now I am trapped in a home with a parent whose abuse is about to turn even more physical.
SABRINA: … Something Must Be Done.
SABRINA: Time for another Epic Sabrina Spellman Decision.
HARVEY: I just want my brother back.
HARVEY: Which is a normal mortal thing to say after people lose their loved ones and in no way an incitement to necromancy.
SABRINA: Right, baby, I hear you. ‘Necromancy.’ Loud and clear.
LILITH: What if I left this book entitled ‘The Dark Lord and Raising the Dead’ conspicuously on my desk.
SABRINA: I mean I’m not a ho for necromancy, but who knows?
FATHER BLACKWOOD: On the sexy topic of my wife being pregnant & u delivering the child have you considered a dream threesome… u, me and Satan?
AUNT ZELDA: how to resist the allure of pick-up lines like that PLUS devilishly elaborate cravats…
AUNT ZELDA: hey Sabrina and Ambrose aren’t the only ones who can have bad boy love interests.
SABRINA: Nick will you help me do a necromancy to raise my boyfriend’s brother from the dead?
NICK SCRATCH: wow
SABRINA: ‘wow that is a crazy idea’?
NICK SCRATCH: wow that’s cute you, how do you say, ‘care’ about your mortal boyfriend’s ‘feelings.’
NICK SCRATCH: I hear that mortals have many feelings.
NICK SCRATCH: I’d be very happy to help!
NICK SCRATCH: u really put the ‘romance’ in ‘necromancer.’
SABRINA: thank u for ur support!
SABRINA: Everyone else thinks ‘raising the dead’ is ‘insane, and inevitable disaster.’
NICK SCRATCH: I’d be a very supportive second boyfriend, don’t you think?
SABRINA: Please Nicholas, I’m trying to concentrate on necromancy.
SABRINA: Time to sacrifice one of the Weird Sisters to resurrect Tommy, then resurrect Agatha via my aunts’ magic grave. Everybody lives and is happy! Congratulations to me on a foolproof plan!
PRUDENCE: I hope you learned an important lesson about not murdering people without my permission, Agatha!
AGATHA: vomits grave dirt
PRUDENCE: I begin to fear Sabrina Spellman’s Epic Plan was, in a surprise twist, not entirely foolproof.
NICK SCRATCH: How’s the resurrected dude?
SABRINA: He’s fine! He’s so great! He always said ‘braiiiins’ a lot!
NICK SCRATCH: That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about mortals to say…
SABRINA: Looks like I experimented—as every schoolgirl does—with necromancy, & the result Came Back Wrong.
AUDIENCE: I mean he Came Back Wrong But Still Cute, so perhaps we could give him a chance…
AMBROSE: Sabrina, Zombie Tommy has already eaten several human corpses.
AUDIENCE: … perhaps not.
AMBROSE: I hate to say ‘I told you so’ but even I knew this was a bad idea, and I tried to blow up the Vatican!
SABRINA: So, Harvey, witches are real, I meddled with your mind and the very powers of life and death, and resurrected your brother as the foul undead who craves the flesh of the living, and I have to re-murder him. Remember I meant well.
SABRINA: I’ll do the murder while you process.
HARVEY: I can’t let you.
AUDIENCE: Oh no, Harvey, not killing zombies is how zombie apocalypses start…
HARVEY: I don’t want you to be the person who hurts my brother.
HARVEY: So I’ll put him down myself.
AUDIENCE: UNHOLY WHAT!
AUDIENCE: Attention! Harvey is a real one.
SABRINA: *crying over the necromancy gone wrong*
NICK SCRATCH: *trying not to cry over the necromancy gone wrong*
HARVEY: *gunned down the necromancy gone wrong*
ZELDA: There there Sabrina, my sweet satanic baby lamb! If any boy hurts you I will kill them!
AUDIENCE: THERE HAS BEEN ENOUGH KILLING!
AUDIENCE: And enough necromancy! We need to rest in peace.
LILITH: Disagree! Time to release some murder ghosts on the town and start a ghost apocalypse.
ROZ & SUSIE: So Sabrina… given Roz’s psychic visions and also the constant possession and necromancy raging through our town, are you a witch?
SABRINA: Yes. Don’t hate me!
ROZ & SUSIE: *tenderly hug Sabrina*
ROZ & SUSIE (whisper): pls can we be in the plot more now
SABRINA: We’ll see friends… we’ll see.
NICK SCRATCH: So the bad boy thing isn’t working for you? I uhm… (shyly) I actually really believe in true love! Let me comfort your wounded heart!
SABRINA: oh wow
NICK: oh wow you see me in a new light?
SABRINA: oh wow that statue of Satan is bleeding?!
NICK: Way to salt my game, SATAN.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Oh dear, the evil ghost apocalypse is imminent. Well, let’s all grab our tiny preserved heads in jars and flee to the curse shelters.
SABRINA: Excuse me! I have my hand up.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: I can’t see you.
SABRINA: I’ll just talk. When the apocalypse comes, what will happen to the mortals?
FATHER BLACKWOOD: uh I dunno? Get mortgages? Die screaming? Their usual.
SABRINA: I’ve evolved a foolproof plan to save all the mortals by collecting them in one place and casting a spell with my family!
ZELDA, HILDA & AMBROSE: Team town saviors! The Spellmans are the best and most loving family unit in the show!
AUDIENCE: D’awww, satanic family feels.
SABRINA: Beloved Harvey, you must come to this magical shelter!
HARVEY: Hard pass. Recently extremely traumatized by magic, staying home.
SABRINA: But when the murder ghosts come, what will you do, shoot them in the face?
HARVEY: that’s exactly my plan.
SABRINA: … not really used to being the less reckless person in a conversation…
HARVEY: I’m unexpectedly hardcore, have you not heard?
SABRINA: … is this how other people feel when they talk to me?
HARVEY: In the plot! Off the chain!
ZELDA, HILDA, AMBROSE & SABRINA: Spellman fam unite! Sure would be a shame if anyone zapped any of us away from this crucial town-saving mission…
HILDA: By the way what did you do about Harvey?
SABRINA: I came up with another foolproof plan!
NICK SCRATCH: shows up at Harvey’s door to rescue him from evil ghosts
AUDIENCE: Oh sweet Satan, Mr Teenage Dream and Mr Share Your Girl! TWO WORLDS COLLIDE.
NICK SCRATCH: I’m a school friend of ur lady who u broke up with for reasons necromantic in nature, here to magically protect u from a supernatural threat—
HARVEY: Explain why u are handsome!
NICK: …Glad someone finally noticed.
ZELDA: How dare you summon me from my family?
FATHER BLACKWOOD: My wife is dying in childbirth.
ZELDA: Oh no… babies…
ZELDA: My only weakness.
LUKE: I zapped you away from your fam because I want you to live because I love you!
AMBROSE: ok but my family are dying.
LUKE: I love you and I don’t care about dumb ladies!
HILDA: I see my whole family got zapped away making this dire situation even more dire!
HILDA: What do we do when we are all alone facing the ghost apocalypse?
DR CERBERUS: Wow… I don’t know…
HILDA: MAKE OUT.
LILITH: Sabrina, perhaps, just throwing this out there, off the top of my head, you must consign your soul to evil to save your precious mortals?
SABRINA: may pause to have a private vision of the horrors currently going down at Harvey’s house
NICK: don’t feel threatened, I told Sabrina she could share us romantically & sexually!
HARVEY: U DID WHAT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! We have JUST MET.
NICK: a rider of the apocalypse is out there.
HARVEY: I don’t care, I AM SCANDALIZED!
SABRINA: aaaanyway I’m sure everything is fine with all the mortals!
LILITH: But for HOW LONG?
FLASH TO MORTALS IN DEADLY DANGER
ROZ: You know, I’m really starting to think I should’ve loaded my grandmother up in an ambulance when she refused to leave her home, because we are about to be killed by murder ghosts.
ROZ: Like no disrespect but Gram may have been wandering in her wits.
GHOSTS: woooo woooo murder woooo
SUSIE: My ghost ancestor Dorothea will protect us!
ROZ: So your ancestor Dorothea is dressed as a guy.
SUSIE: Well, gender presentation is a complicated thing.
ROZ: Talk to me about that any time.
ROZ: … I mean not right now, because of the murder ghosts.
ROZ’S GRANDMA: I’d like to utter my last words: In retrospect, I don’t know why I thought waiting around for murder ghosts was a good idea. *dies*
ROZ: Well, sugar.
ROZ: Preacher’s daughter, remember?
LILITH: … looks like you were driven into a corner by, well, nobody in particular but I bet she’s a smart lady and a snappy dresser, and now you have to sign the Devil’s Book…
SABRINA: looks like.
SABRINA: Ms Wardwell, don’t blame yourself, I know you did all you could.
LILITH: I have indeed been straining every muscle!
HARVEY: wow magic is so scary.
NICK: I am standing RIGHT HERE. Why must you be so hurtful.
HARVEY: angry face
NICK: I don’t like witch-hunters EITHER.
HARVEY: I haven’t EVEN DONE any witch-hunting.
HARVEY & NICK: angry face
GHOSTS: wooooo woooo murder woooo
HARVEY: wow ghosts are so scary.
NICK: … agreed.
HARVEY & NICK: *push furniture up against the door*
AUDIENCE: Not sure how that will help against ghosts but god/satan love you boys for trying.
SABRINA: my name is Sabrina Spellman and I guess I’m going to sign it away!
SABRINA: And now, time to consume murder ghosts with hellfire!
LILITH: Damn girl…
SABRINA: When my cousin Ambrose said going full witch meant ‘immortal hotties’ I didn’t think he was talking about ghosts who were literally on fire.
ZELDA: So Lady Blackwood has died giving birth to a twin boy and girl, and I just don’t feel Father Blackwood would be an ideal father for a daughter?
SABRINA: Now I’ve signed my soul away, my hair has gone white like a crown of bones. Should I be worried? Seems eldritch!
LILITH: Best get used to eldritch.
ZELDA: Hi Hilda, so I kidnapped this baby.
HILDA: ZELDA NO.
ZELDA: ZELDA YES.
ZELDA: where’s my lil kidnap victim? There she is! Cootchie cootchie coo.
NICK: Time for us guys to talk about our feelings, as it seems like the women of this TV show have largely handled the plot, as is their way and which I enjoy!
HARVEY: Founding member of women’s support group. Big fan also.
HARVEY: … Unless it leads to me shooting my brother.
NICK: But, true love! So beautiful, am I right?
HARVEY: Well, uh, yes.
NICK: And because true love, which I haven’t personally experienced but I hear and read great things, one must forgive tiny errors like necromancy!
HARVEY: Sorry why are you encouraging me to forgive my lady whom you clearly have romantic feelings for?
HARVEY: WAIT! Forget I asked! I’ve had enough psychological trauma for one season. No no no. Shhh shhh shhh. La la la not listening, not here for it, that’s enough witches, I said goodnight, sir.
FATHER BLACKWOOD: Ambrose! Now I have acquired a son at the low price of one wife, it’s time for action! Join us in our quest for warlock supremacy!
AMBROSE: wow… so kind… but I think I left the iron on in my house where I live with three women & do all the ironing…
AMBROSE: Evil cult headquarters decor very chic tho.
HARVEY: Here we are. So a dude called Nick Scratch whom I fervently hope to never meet again told me you love me. Maybe–
SABRINA: Here we are. But we can’t get back together, as I’m now technically a damned soul. And, I mean, we do have communication issues.
HARVEY: Uh… Sabrina? I love what Satan did with your hair.
SATAN: Great job recruiting Sabrina to the side of darkness.
LILITH: Thanks can I be queen of hell now?
SATAN: Sounds like a job for Sabrina!
LILITH: Excuse me?
SATAN: Did I stutter?
LILITH: Ugh, perky blondes in our hellscape, stealing our jobs…
ZELDA: I stole this baby and it’s mine now. Baby possession is nine-tenths of baby law.
BABY-STEALING WITCH SPIRIT WHO COMMANDS AN ARMY OF CHILD GHOSTS: Anybody got a baby I could steal?
ZELDA: How very dare you!
ZELDA: Time to put the baby in a witch’s hut in the woods for her own protection.
ZELDA: Witches don’t have Child Protection Services.
SUSIE: I love Christmas and dressing up in costumes, who can say why costumes might appeal to me as a chance to be someone other than the person society pressures me to be…
DEMON DRESSED AS SANTA: Time to turn you into a living doll!
SUSIE: wow this is a personally distressing allegory!
SABRINA, ZELDA AND HILDA: rescue Susie
SUSIE: I now have a very good impression of witches!
SABRINA: Thank Satan someone does.
SUSIE: Unlike Roz, cursed by witches to go blind, and Harvey, forced by the machinations of witches to shoot his own brother.
SABRINA: 1 out of 3 ain’t bad…
SABRINA: Fancy a sleepover and a séance?
WEIRD SISTERS: We literally have no idea what else people do at sleepovers.
SABRINA: I’ve had a nice chat with my mother’s ghost and I feel there will definitely be no disturbing revelations about my dead parents in the year to come.
AUDIENCE: I know he’s sassing her. I just KNOW it.
SABRINA: Harvey, here’s a magic Christmas present for you!
HARVEY: Sabrina pls. I was highly traumatized by magic!
SABRINA: I know, let me fix this with more magic—
HARVEY: Have you heard about the magic word ‘no’?
SABRINA: I have real trouble with that one.
SABRINA: Being a witch is intrinsically part of who I am tho.
HARVEY: That is legit but so is my trauma.
SABRINA: So sad to be broken up. Taking time apart. Processing our feelings. Considering banging Nick Scratch.
HARVEY: Worst. Christmas. Ever.
SABRINA: Now I sold my soul I guess I’m on the Naughty List forever.
ZELDA: We’re all there together. That’s what Satanic family means.
SABRINA (wiping away a tear): You’re so right, Salem. Beautifully said.
Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker Parody
Star Wars, a last parody from a galaxy far away! As in this movie there seemed confusion whether Kylo Ren was shortened to Kylo or Ren, I’m going to split the difference and refer to Han Solo and Princess Leia’s evil son by Ben, his Past and Future name, throughout. Let it be known I have no strong ships aside from John Boyega/Screentime.
STAR WARS: 2 dudes in a dark and stormy wood… and both of them were evil…
PALPATINE: muahaha evil has rendered me all powerful.
BEN: yikes, my guy, your face is all rotting, also your fingers have rotted clean off. Not to zombie shame, but ew.
PALPATINE: I have transcended death and have a vast evil army!
BEN: but like… at what cost?
PALPATINE: I died before…
BEN: do you wanna clarify that?
PALPATINE: the dark side does not clarify
PALPATINE: I grew your old alien master Snoke in a vat…
BEN: why did you make spares. Is this an evil overlord pyramid scheme
BEN: so in the force I was catfished by not one but two elderly predators?
BEN: not to criticize Princess Leia, but I feel my force time should have been better monitored as a child.
PALPATINE: none know I survived to this day!
PALPATINE: except I just told them all in a space blog post that went viral.
PALPATINE: Anyway I want you to kill Rey and be emperor of the universe.
BEN: thanks but Rey and I are in a pretty serious and committed relationship? As soon as she un-Force-blocks me, the wedding is back ON.
FINN & POE: pew pew pew
POE: lemme enact a daring move that may be fatal
FINN: doubtful! it’s the start of the movie
REY: be with me…
REY: just looking for a connection to be honest
REY: to be even more honest, tho he did not give good proposal and did give far too good mass murder, kind of missing bae.
REY: He was very committed to being with me. Remorseless stalking through several darkened woods occurred.
LEIA: be patient
LEIA: with the force. And my son. And my cgi presence causing awkward scenes
REY: I’ll try.
POE & REY: fight
AUDIENCE: are they in love…?
FINN: no Poe is just bad tempered
FINN: I mean never with me! Because I’m too lovely and handsome.
EVERYONE: how did Palpatine return?
DUDE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: dark science
DUDE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: like regular science… but DARK.
REY: I gotta go on a quest for an evil Mcguffin to get to planet evil to defeat Palpatine. I can elaborate.
EVERYONE: please don’t.
BEN: does my butt look big in this mask
EVIL COUNCIL: no supreme leader
EVIL COUNCIL: svelte and willowy as ever, o supreme leader.
FINN: come be on our quest Rose, good friend and recent make-out partner.
ROSE: can’t, it’s in the script.
FINN: what’s in the script
ROSE: not me, that’s for sure.
BEN: I will become emperor but first things first…
EVIL COUNCIL: o god don’t say it
BEN: my girlfriend!
BEN: also there’s a spy
EVIL COUNCIL: we must find them!
BEN: but first things first—-
EVIL COUNCIL: why are you like this
BEN: MY GIRLFRIEND!
RANDO ALIEN: what’s your surname
REY: I don’t have one!!!
FINN: I don’t have one either, but nobody ever asks.
BEN: just a quick force call to ask why do u leave my force messages on read?
REY: Palpatine wants you to kill me.
BEN: alternate plan! Let’s get married!
BEN: you wanted to take my hand so you must want to be dark empress of the galaxy, remember?
REY: read at 4:15 am
LANDO: I’m here on Mcguffin desert island for one reason…
REY: to help us on our quest
REY: as we were sinking into space quicksand you said you’d never told me…
FINN: I don’t wanna say it in front of Poe
REY: that must mean it was romantic as why would you hesitate to say you were Force sensitive in front of Poe, your bff and Leia’s no 1 fan?
FINN: that‘s a valid question. Let’s never really address my dying proclamation again.
REY: lemme Force heal this serpent real quick
SERPENT: now I will follow u and be loyal to u like the lion who had a thorn taken from its paw
REY: u can’t, we’re going to space to give a robot amnesia so he can translate the instruction manual to our evil mcguffin
SERPENT: uh… good luck with that.
FINN: Rey, evildoers have kidnapped Chewbacca!
REY: evildoers have also shown up in front of me wearing three piece black evil suits in the desert
REY: why are you like this?
BEN: many wonder.
REY: I must Force control that ship with Chewbacca on it
BEN: no I must! Chewbacca is my last father figure, I must kill the whole set.
REY: I destroyed the ship with lightning! Weird and tragic
EVIL COUNCIL : oh no, that was randomly a totally different ship lol!
EVIL COUNCIL: we’re not about destroying beloved icons of the original trilogy! Chewbacca is our bread and butter. Put him safely in the brig!
POE: I have a backstory about being a smuggler just like Han Solo!
AUDIENCE: really? Our Latino lead?
POE: JUST like Han Solo
SOME LADY: I’m your old flame, Heterosexual Bliss.
POE: my criminal past was so sexy!
REY: I have visions of a dark throne. I’m on it. Kylo Ren is on it.
FINN: how big is this throne
FINN: is this a sitting in laps situation
C3PO: oh no amnesia
NEW TINY ROBOT: I love boundaries! PS buy me.
HETEROSEXUAL BLISS: I have a plot coupon for safe passage through space
POE: we’re main characters we need plot coupons
HETEROSEXUAL BLISS: why would I give it to you?
POE: I have great hair.
POE: anyway I have this plot coupon to rescue Chewbacca with!
REY: now we’re on this evil spaceship we must split up
REY: just have this strong feeling I should go to the supreme leaders quarters
REY: must be Force intuition
FINN: is that what they’re calling it these days?
POE: no doubt we won’t need your superpowers of hypnosis
POE & FINN: are instantly captured
BEN: there’s a girl in my quarters! DON’T LET HER GET AWAY!
STORMTROOPERS: why is he like this.
BEN: I never lied to you, your parents did trade you for drink money!
BEN: selling kids into desert slavery is a good way to protect them.
REY: … they must have been VERY drunk.
BEN: you see Palpatine is your evil grandpa!
BEN: evil grandpas. We have so much in common, babe!
BEN: totally a force soulmates situation if you ask me.
BEN: raising children in cupboards is another very good and ethical way to protect a protagonist child, while giving them a tragic backstory. It is known.
BEN: now pls stay in my quarters so we can talk in person… in my quarters… very important…
REY: is the Force telling you this
BEN: um. totally.
HUX: let me help you escape, I’m the spy, nobody hates the boss like middle management.
SARAH: I predicted Hux emailing the Resistance .5 seconds after Ben became leader!!!
REY: daring escape
BEN: don’t go bae!
REY: he said my name, just Rey, that’s my name
FINN: I guess that makes sense.
A LADY ON MCGUFFIN ISLAND: I’d like to be the lady assigned to Finn
AUDIENCE: who wouldn’t???
FINN: why couldn’t it be Rose?
LADY: I’m a former stormtrooper like you!
FINN: omg are we getting a plotline about me inspiring stormtrooper rebellion?
LADY: I deserted because I had a feeling killing people was wrong. It must be our conscience!
FINN: It must be the Force!
LADY: do you need the Force to know killing people is wrong?
LADY (whose name is Janna): also I thought Kylo Ren had the Force…?
JANNA: the Force sure did not give him that memo.
POE: let’s just let Rey go get the Mcguffin on her own she’s always running off on her own for some tall dark reason…
FINN: Poe be sympathetic! Imagine you were having Force visions of yourself in Kylo Ren’s lap!
POE: I would strongly prefer not to.
REY: I just got finished fighting a dark vision of myself!
BEN: you couldn’t… like do it again? So I could watch?
BEN: then I’m destroying this evil Mcguffin
REY: don’t do it!
BEN: I just don’t like them as plot devices! I just don’t!
BEN: that handsome rebel keeps yelling your name
REY: that’s kind of his whole thing.
LEIA: I must use up my own life Force to distract my son during his duel with Rey
REY: stabs him
BEN: thanks mom, very supportive.
BEN: my space soccer matches all over again.
REY: stabs Ben
REY: heals Ben
REY: this relationship is a whirlwind
BEN: I don’t get it, if you don’t wanna be dark empress why did you want to take my hand? I can’t think of a single reason…
REY: I’m interested in you romantically!
BEN: wow that never even occurred to…
BEN: and you have seen Finn, yes?
BEN: I mean you’re making a terrible mistake, but thank you so much.
POE: now Leia has passed and I am general, do me the honor of accepting my hand in co-generalship!
AUDIENCE: general desire for their embrace
BEN: wow hallucination of my dad, I’ve made so many mistakes… like killing so many people. Like SO many, including you. But I love you! And I’m sorry. But… so many people died.
HAN SOLO: Believe me. I KNOW.
BEN: I must fight evil!
SHADE OF HAN SOLO: yay great decision I love you
BEN: in preparation for a fight, let me throw away my lightsaber! And take off my armor!
SHADE OF HAN SOLO: son, you are tall but not smart.
PALPATINE: just hanging around doing evil stuff. Creating ships that destroy planets.
AUDIENCE: does evil never have any other plan
PALPATINE: nothing beats the classics.
REY: I’m going to destroy my spaceship! And my lightsaber! And everything useful I own!
AUDIENCE: Wow. Rey and Ben ARE soulmates.
GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: there’s no need to live in an isolated hermitage here…
GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: do as I say not what I do! That’s the essence of teaching.
GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: here’s Leia’s saber. She gave it up because she feared it would end in her sons death, but she hoped someday someone would finish her journey…
REY: to her son’s death…?
LUKE: back in the day when Ben had colic, we were all sleep deprived and cranky.
FINN & POE: lets follow Rey and attack planet evil! This time people will come help us!
TEAM GOOD: why this time
FINN & POE: because this is the last movie!
PALPATINE: so my plan wasn’t really to have Kylo Ren kill you…
REY: what if he had?
BEN: Palpatine had faith in my incompetence and my huge crush I guess.
REY: that’s fair
PALPATINE: so my plan wasn’t really for you to kill me and become dark empress…
REY: what if I had tho
PALPATINE: I dunno. My plans tend to work out. My REAL plan is for us to become one…
REY: Genuinely feels like you’re just winging it at this point, Grandpa.
PALPATINE: Think of it like brainstorming with lightning.
WAR: pew pew pew
FINN: I will do a risky thing! Trust me I have the Force… and charisma.
BEN: you’re descended from heroes Rey
REY: my parents who were actually good?
BEN: and whatever lady got down with Palpatine.
BEN: such bravery
BEN: a true legend
BEN: I’m just going to kill my own guard to get to my lady!
KNIGHTS OF REN: We know we are evil minions but you have consistently been the WORST boss of all time.
BEN: and why spoil a perfect record!
REY: let’s defeat evil together Ben!
PALPATINE: actually Imma use your force soulmate bond to grow back my fingers and rule!
REY: is that your FINAL plan
PALPATINE: who knows. They just come to me.
POE: perhaps all is lost
EVIL COUNCIL: oh nope civilians are coming in spaceships like the civilians who rescued soldiers on D Day in that inspiring historical legend…
EVIL COUNCIL: but even cooler, because in space.
PALPATINE: I am invincible! Gonna grow back my fingers and throw Ben into a pit! Your move!
REY: I’m going to defeat you via not hating you.
PALPATINE: So you’re going to try and love your grandpa?
REY: Ew, no. I’m gonna kill you but in like, a pure way.
JEDI GHOSTS: woo Rey! Rise Rey!
BEN, IN A PIT: lil help with that rising thing
JEDI GHOSTS: new phone who dis?
BEN: … never mind I’ll do it myself.
BEN: Oops it appears my lady has killed herself and Palpatine with the Force.
BEN: Cute how she thinks death will get her out of this relationship.
BEN: resurrects Rey with the Force
REY: I love the new you!
BEN: literally anything would’ve been an improvement on the old me.
REY: I’m gonna make out with your face.
BEN: first base was 100% worth dying for.
REY: what do you…? Oh I see.
BEN: fading away
REY: if you hadn’t used the Force on your hair so much… maybe there would be enough Force for us to both live.
BEN: no Rey.
BEN: the hair was worth it.
REY: he had many personal failings, but the hair was good.
AUDIENCE: Seriously cannot believe we were deprived of the absolute comedy gold of Poe and Finn’s faces when Rey came home on her evil boyfriend’s arm.
REY: Guys, great defeating–and definitely not smooching–evil! Group hug!
POE & REY: we love our friends so much…
POE & REY: Especially Finn.
RANDOM LADY: what’s your surname?
REY: Rey Skywalker, as if Luke and Leia were my parents!
AUDIENCE: Seems like Rey might not know an important Star Wars fact… Luke and Leia being brother and sister came as a surprise to us all once…
FINN, YELLING FROM ANOTHER PLANET: Seriously, why do space randos never demand my surname? Why is it always Rey?