GENERAL: Lord Miraz, you have a son!
MIRAZ: Well, you know what that means.
GENERAL: Set off fireworks around the castle?
MIRAZ: Exactly! Oh, and kill my nephew Prince Caspian.
DARKLY OMINOUS CLOAKED FIGURE: Nobody will notice me sneaking into Caspian’s bedchamber.
AUDIENCE: Why not?
LIGHT: falls on Prince Caspian’s sleeping face
AUDIENCE: Oh I see. Cloaked figures slip into Prince Caspian’s bedchamber every hour of the night!
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Actually I had to join a line. Wake up, Caspian!
CASPIAN: … ’M kind of tired after dealing with the line…
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: YOUR UNCLE IS GOING TO HAVE YOU KILLED.
CASPIAN: This is not sexy talk!
GENERAL: Fire at will!
GUARDS: riddle the bed with arrows
CASPIAN IN THE WARDROBE: I see that this is not going to be the most subtle royal assassination in the world.
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Take this horn! Go to the woods! No time to explain! I am a sage with a flowing white beard, when have you ever known my kind to explain anything?
CASPIAN: Fair enough.
MIRAZ: Guards! Launch a hot pursuit of the prince and cut him down from his horse!
GUARDS: I see that this is not going to be the most subtle royal assassination in the world.
CASPIAN: I ride through rocks! I ride through raging waters! I get smacked in the head by a branch and fall right off my horse.
CASPIAN: Who would have thought this wood could be so full of trees?
GUARDS: Death to Caspian!
DWARFS: Death to you all, including Caspian!
CASPIAN: This is just not my night. I think I will blow this horn: what’s the worst that could happen?
LUCY: These automobiles keep trying to run me over. Cannot understand it: centaurs always braked for me in Narnia.
STALKER BOY: Hi there.
SUSAN: Welcome to Not Attractive Enough to Speak to Queen Susan-land, population: you!
STALKER BOY: So I’ve seen you at school. You know, on the hockey pitch, on the steps, through my binoculars when someone leaves the dormitory windows open a little bit…
SUSAN: This is not sexy talk!
STALKER BOY: What’s your name?
SUSAN: Leave me alone or I will cut you.
STALKER BOY: That’s a nice name.
LUCY: Susan come quickly! Peter is wrestling with two other schoolboys!
AUDIENCE: SUSAN, GO QUICKLY!
LUCY: Oh no, Susan, Edmund is wrestling with them too.
AUDIENCE: Run Susan, run!
PETER: I had to fight them because they shoved me. Also they did not bow to me or offer me tribute as their High King.
EDMUND: O High King, I offer you some tribute. It consists of these four magical words.
EDMUND: SHUT THE HELL UP.
SUSAN: Let’s just face the fact we are never getting back to Narnia.
DRAMATIC IRONY: Oh really?
CASPIAN: Here I am, waking up in a strange bed. This is not really a new thing for me. Man, my head hurts, I hope whoever she is was hot.
TALKING BADGER: I will make the boy soup!
CASPIAN: OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.
TALKING BADGER: Poor little mite, I have bandaged his head right up.
DWARF: Are you still working from the book where Caspian is like, nine?
CASPIAN: Actually my age is never mentioned. I could be nine.
DWARF: Then I don’t know what the Telmarines are putting in the water, dude.
TALKING BADGER: Looks to me like the Telmarines are putting sexy in the water.
CASPIAN: … I think I’m going to leave now.
PEVENSIES: Aslan seems to want us to frolic in a seaside resort. Well if that is the Lion’s will, so be it!
SUSAN: Does this place look like our old home to anyone else?
EDMUND: Don’t be silly Susan, our old home wasn’t catapulted to bits and pieces!
LUCY: Don’t you guys get it? Hundreds of years have passed! Everyone we know is dead.
PEVENSIES: … Huh.
LUCY: The Beavers! Mr Tumnus!
PETER: Weird. Hey, look at my cool sword!
LUCY: Does nobody understand? He was played by James McAvoy!
TALKING BADGER: Caspian, come back! Narnia needs you and your mighty horn!
CASPIAN: Seriously, lose my number.
GUARDS: There he is! After him!
REEPICHEEP: I am the bane of the Telmarines! I am the Dark Avenger!
CASPIAN: … You’re a mouse.
REEPICHEEP: Oh, eat steel, Telmarine.
TALKING BADGER: Wait Reepicheep, I have to tell you about Caspian’s mighty horn!
TELMARINE LORDS: So it’s interesting that Caspian went missing on the night your son was born.
MIRAZ: I know, right? You’d think I could wait a week or so. Uh, I mean – Caspian was kidnapped by Narnians?
TELMARINE LORDS: Miraz, please leave off with the usurping. And also, the crack.
MIRAZ: I have a Narnian right here! And I could kill him in front of you right now as I threaten the entire extermination of his race, but uh… Well, maybe I’ll keep him to show other Telmarines, sure, I could do that… Maybe I’ll just tell the guards to row him out to a faraway destination on the river and kill him there for no reason, what do you think?
TELMARINE LORDS: Way to overcome the stereotype, Miraz! We always thought evil overlords were cunning.
PETER: Guards are attempting to murder a dwarf!
SUSAN: Battles are ugly when women fight! Because men look so foolish when riddled with arrows.
DLF: So who are you crazy kids?
PETER: I am Peter the Magnificent!
EDMUND: I am Edmund the Just So Embarrassed My Brother Said That.
DLF: Oh my God, Narnia is doomed.
NARNIANS: We’ll kill you, Telmarine!
CASPIAN: How about instead you make me your king?
CENTAURS: You have to admit the boy’s devilishly attractive.
TALKING SQUIRREL: His profile would look good on our money!
NARNIANS: All hail King Caspian!
LUCY: You guys, I see Aslan!
DLF: Dear Narnia, may I present our legendary saviours: King Peter the Egomaniac and Queen Lucy the Crackhead.
LUCY: I think we’re going to call you DLF for Dear Little Friend.
DLF: Secretly it stands for Doesn’t Like Foreigners.
LUCY: Why are you sad, Susan?
SUSAN: I won’t get to stay in Narnia.
LUCY: Huh. Yeah, I guess you won’t. Don’t worry, though, everything will be fine. What could happen?
SUSAN: Well, my entire family could die in a trainwreck. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
PETER: I am Peter the Magnificent!
CASPIAN: I am Caspian the Super Fine!
PETER: … I don’t think I am going to like you.
SUSAN: Really? I think I’m going to like him just fine.
PETER: We can leave if you want.
CASPIAN: No, don’t leave! The only other ladies out here are centaur babes, and nobody will fetch me a stepladder.
REEPICHEEP: Oh King Peter, I pledge you my life!
REEPICHEEP: What can I say, I like blonds.
PETER: So my plan is – we catch them off guard by seizing the castle!
CASPIAN: My plan is that we all sit here and wait for the Telmarines to starve us out.
SURPRISING AMOUNT OF NARNIANS: We vote for Caspian’s plan!
PETER: What the hell?
LESS SURPRISING AMOUNT OF NARNIANS: You see, the thing is, Caspian is really, really attractive.
PETER: I ripped my shirt up once already this movie, and I may do so again at any moment.
NARNIANS: To the castle!
EDMUND: I am all alone on a tower top, on a secret mission. Like James Bond. But it’s okay, I can summon the others. (brandishes torch) I have the technology!
CASPIAN: Doctor Cornelius, wake up! I totally summoned the kings and queens of old and King Peter the Magnificently Snotty has a plan and King Edmund has a torch and Queen Susan has a fine ass! Everything is awesome.
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: I feel that on the eve of battle is a fine time to tell you that your uncle killed your father and make you have a nervous breakdown!
CASPIAN: Miraz, we need to talk! Usurping me is fine, trying to kill me, a-okay, but how could you murder my father? Have you no humanity?
MIRAZ: Nope. Next question!
SUSAN: I cannot believe I put my battle eyeliner on for this.
PETER: I blame you for not following the plan and messing everything up!
CASPIAN: Yeah? Yeah, well I blame you for not retreating when it was already obvious that I had messed everything up!
NARNIANS: Oh my God, the sons of Adam are lame. How sure are we that we need one to be king?
CASPIAN: Also I do not think you are all that magnificent!
PETER: You take that back! You take that back right now!
NARNIANS: Reepicheep for King!
NIKABRIK THE DWARF: Caspian, I totally know a way to win the war.
CASPIAN: Really? That is awesome.
MASSIVELY CREEPY WOLF IN A CLOAK: I eat entrails. And babies. And I creep about the place laughing manically to myself. And I will cause a thousand years of misery and winter. And I am super super creepy. And I never wash my fur. Or this cloak.
CASPIAN: Good to meet you!
HAG: I have a withered skull face with a creepy creepy beak and I think we should raise the extremely evil dead.
CASPIAN: That sounds like fun!
WHITE WITCH: Hi Caspian. Give me some of your blood.
CASPIAN: I’m not totally sure, but that sounds to me like sexy talk.
PETER: Caspian where are you? Are you making out with my sister?
CASPIAN: Nope! Just dabbling with a little necromancy.
PETER: Oh cool, sorry to have inter – OH MY GOD WHAT? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
CASPIAN: … Actually now I come to think about it, that does sound kind of bad. Help!
NIKABRIK: I won’t let you do this! I insist on raising evil witches from the dead! I will kill you all! I will give Queen Lucy a Chinese burn!
DLF: That’s it! NOBODY CHINESE BURNS QUEEN LUCY. Die!
WHITE WITCH: Peter, baby, I’ve missed you.
WHITE WITCH: You are looking more magnificent than ever. Soooooo magnificent.
PETER: You are evil as hell, but I have to give you props for the sexy talk.
WHITE WITCH: Abra, abracadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya!
PETER AND CASPIAN: How were you able to resist her delicious frosty booty?
EDMUND: Been there. Done that. Bought the doublet.
CASPIAN: Susan, Susan baby, talk to me.
SUSAN: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
CASPIAN: Baby, it was just a little necromancy with an evil ice witch, it meant nothing! I was thinking about you the whole time!
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: I am half a dwarf, so you should be king!
CASPIAN: Um… I think dwarf logic is different than human.
PETER: Okay, so the Telmarines are coming and basically, Lucy needs to fetch our magic lion or we’re all doomed!
DLF: I wish the kings and queens would share their crack.
CASPIAN: I have a plan to stall for time.
PETER: You still here?
CASPIAN: It’ll involve Peter displaying his magnificence to the entirety of two armies.
PETER: … Tell me more.
EDMUND: And so in summary, Peter the Magnificent, High King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, Emperor of the Lone Islands, invites you to come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.
MIRAZ: Do I look like Miraz the Dumbass to you, Prince Edmund?
EDMUND: … That’s King Edmund, and does that answer your question?
TELMARINE LORDS: Sire is obviously not hard enough. Haven’t you heard this guy’s magnificent? Magnificent and young and strong and oh so blond.
MIRAZ: I’m totally magnificent and young and strong and – Prince Edmund, tell King Peter it’s on! General, fetch me the hair dye! Hope your brother’s sword is mightier than his pen.
EDMUND: Normally I would not be commenting on my brother’s sword because that is inappropriate, but today I feel moved to inform you that it is MAGNIFICENT.
MIRAZ: LET US FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
PETER: INDEED. WITH APPROPRIATE TIMEOUTS!
MIRAZ: INDEED. They’ll only be three-minute breaks, though.
PETER: Oh, you are truly evil.
SUSAN: Lucy, let’s go find the magic lion!
CASPIAN: Um, do you want your horn back? I realise that I am no longer deserving of the mighty horn.
SUSAN: Oh Caspian. I can’t stay mad at you. Not you and your pretty face and your mighty horn.
LUCY: I THINK I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS CONVERSATION. Let’s go!
PETER: This is not actually going well.
EDMUND: Shhhh, smile and wave for the centaur babes.
CENTAUR BABES: Peter, Peter, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, Caspian can! Goooo Caspian!
PETER: Edmund, I have something to say to you. You’ve always been there for me! It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never feel sunlight on your face-
EDMUND: I did betray all of Narnia that one time, remember?
PETER: Seriously, I can fly higher than an eagle! You are the wind beneath my w-
EDMUND: PETER! Try to remember that we’re British!
SUSAN: Four arrows, five guards. OH CRAP.
CASPIAN: Susan, I will save you!
SUSAN: Now that’s sexy talk.
PETER: You’re totally at my mercy, Miraz! But I’ll let Caspian do it.
CASPIAN: Aw, thanks, Peter!
PETER: Who can stay mad at you, with y- Um. Excuse me, I think I need to go talk to the centaur babes.
CASPIAN: You’re totally at my mercy, Miraz. But I’ll let you live.
NARNIANS: Hooray for letting evil tyrants live in wartime!
EDMUND: What is wrong with you people?
NARNIANS: Well, Caspian’s just really, really attractive…
TELMARINE LORD: Oh for God’s sake, if nobody else is going to kill him THEN I WILL.
ASLAN: LUCY! Why didn’t you come sooner? Why didn’t you give me a call to say you were going to be late? Did you pick up milk on your way here?
LUCY: If I’d come earlier, would half our army not have died?
ASLAN: Well, we can’t be certain of that. But I certainly am all-powerful, and I certainly would have come to save the day, and…
LUCY: So you’re saying, basically, yes.
ASLAN: Basically, yes.
TELMARINES: Our king is fallen! That means Caspian is the king! KILL HIM.
CASPIAN: We have another plan. It involves earthworks. And a magic lion!
DLF: I see they’ve been sharing the crack with someone…
PETER: This. Is. Narniaaaaaaaaa!
GENERAL: Oh Caspian. I can’t kill you. You’re just really, really attractive.
TREES: We can kill you, Telmarines! Feel our vegetationy wrath!
TELMARINES: Nature has betrayed us! To the river!
LUCY: Hi there.
TELMARINES: Watch out, that little girl has a loaded lion!
ASLAN, RIVERS AND TREES: All the forces of nature suggest that you surrender.
TELMARINES: … okay.
NARNIANS: Hooray for our new and dazzling king! Hooray for Caspian the Super Fine the Tenth!
PETER: Um, actually, I was the one who defeated the tyrant, and Lucy fetched the magic lion, and-
NARNIANS: Caspian looks so dashing in his shiny crown!
ASLAN: Time for you kids to get along home. By the way, Peter and Susan, you can’t ever come back. Because of puberty.
SUSAN: Little late for that…
ASLAN: I am watching you, young lady! Don’t think I haven’t noticed you and your coquettish ways!
CASPIAN: Farewell, Susan the Magnificent!
SUSAN: Actually my title’s Susan the Gentle.
GHOSTS OF A THOUSAND SHOT-UP TELMARINES: Say what now?
CASPIAN: From now on I dub you Susan the Kickass. Or Susan of the Fine Ass. Whatever works for you.
SUSAN: Oh baby, that’s sweet. But it’ll never work. I am 1300 years old.
CASPIAN: And I am nine.
SUSAN: … Well that’s terrible news! But let’s make out anyway.
LUCY: Why are Susan and Caspian making out? I don’t understand.
EDMUND: Um, I kind of understand, but I don’t want to make out with Caspian.
PETER: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, EDMUND.
EDMUND: Nothing, O Magnificent One. Let’s go.
STALKER BOY: Hey there, baby! I saved you a seat.
SUSAN: Oh God, I left Caspian the Super Fine in Narnia!
EDMUND: And I left my torch.
PETER: Well, I’ve got my magnificence right here. Oh yeah.